Thursday, 17 December 2009

Massive Apology Live And Direct Outside The Big Gates Of A Really Big House


First,
Above first,
I must apologise to God,
Obviously,
That goes without saying.

And,
My fans,

But,
Firstly, (after God, obviously) my wife -
Especially my beautiful wife.
For,

To her,
My wildest and deepest sorrow goes,
And,
Then,
After God and my wife,
I must prostrate myself earnestly before,

Everyone else who knows me,
Who may now feel truly betrayed and disappointed,

At my appalling and unconscionable behaviour,
Especially -as I said - my beautiful wife.
Why does she put up with this?
She's an Angel,

And I will always stand by her,
Please don't judge her,
For she is my wife..

And after God, and then my astonishing wife,
And then those that know me,
I would also like to gastronomicallyapologise,
In a one word, not two, kind of way,
To,
Everyone else who
doesn't know me,
And, ironically,
Now that they know,
That they don't want to know me,
Because of all the lurid headlines,
Written about my shameful life,
This past week,
I hope that they will continue,
To not want to know me,
But for all the right reasons,
And for none of the wrong ones,
If you see what I mean..

May I also express to all of you here today,
My colossal remorse,

At all my intimate infractions,
My romantic transgressions,
Moist, pulsating,
And evil,
As they were,
On reflection,
I realise now,
And - more to the point - you should realise too,

Were nothing more than moments of madness,
All sixteen of them - all moments of madness.
That you must all forget about.

Because?
Because,
No one and nothing compares to the fragrant beauty of my wife,
How could they:
The supermodels, lap dancers and waitresses,
How could they compare,
To my beautiful wife of forest fern fragrances?
My wife - not yours - who is so very beautiful,
And fragrant,
And astonishing,

And timeless,
Like a clock with no hands,

Made in Stonehenge:
Classical and insurmountable.

So what was I thinking:
The supermodels, the lap dancers, the waitresses?
No idea.

My sordid drug habits over this past week,
Have also - quite rightly in my opinion - been exposed,
For the pure, decadent and shameful filth it is -

In particular,
My love of hallucinogenics.
And while it's true,
The trips I had on them,
Were amazing,
And the visions I experienced there,
Opened up my mind,
To new, exciting and magical spheres of unicorn-riding reality,
And gifted me the inspiration,
For what I consider to be my greatest creations -
To be released early next year -
Well, that doesn't make it right.
What was I thinking?
Again,
I've no idea,
No idea..

I would also like to apologise for the tax evasion,

And that fraud thing too..

So,
To sum up,
I think it would be fair to say,
That I've behaved quite badly,
This week,
But I promise you all,
That I plan to make a fresh start,
And I promise,
Sincerely promise,
That I will really behave myself next week,
And be really good.

Honest.

But, I can't lie:
I'm not sure how I'll do,
The week after that,
But I'll do my best
..