Sunday, 21 February 2010

I'll Bring My Special Wand


I have,
An astonishing and enormous secret,
I must share with you,
And it really is of huge import,
And it completely goes against the grain,
Of the current orthodoxy,
The accepted wisdom,
And the common currency..

So I hope you're sitting comfortably,
Are you ready?
You sure?
Okay, because, well..,
Because,

Once you are, as we say, "In The Know",
You will never see things in quite the same way again.

Ready?
Breathe in,
In deeply,
Relax and compose yourself..

All right.
Well, here it is then,
Here it is:
It's. Penguins. That. Cause. Global. Warming..

You look stunned.
Yes, you heard right.
No, I'm not kidding,
I wish I was.
No.
Penguins cause global warming.

There.
I've said it.
Clearly there's no going back now.
And,
Please, don't tell anyone,

Anyone.

I'm entrusting you,
With this highly classified information,
Eighteen levels above Top Secret actually.
Why?
Good question:
It has to be eighteen levels above T.S,
Because penguins are very well connected.
You wouldn't think it would you?
They take no prisoners:
They are utterly ruthless.

Here's the thing:

We think,
Some of the top penguins have infiltrated,
Infiltrated our intelligence services,
Both five and six.
Some are on the inside,
Disguised,

Not wearing their penguin suits,
And when penguins don't wear their penguin suits,
They look just like regular blobby little guys.

Look,
I'll meet you by the river,
That bar beneath the tower,
South side.
I'll fill you in with all the details there.
Can't say anymore now,
I think I'm being tailed.

I'll be the man,
Sat by the window.
There will be a seventy-nine percent chance,
I'll be wearing a fuscia slim-fit collarless shirt.

And what will you be wearing?

I'll bring my special wand,
It's to detect bugs,
That may have been placed on your person,
Whilst you were asleep last night.

Later then.
I'll be there prompt at sunset,
GMT.