Saturday, 23 July 2011

Forty-Two Seconds

Congratulations, and,
Please rest assured,
Your limited edition mp3,
Will be with you shortly,
And will arrive in a virtual-cardboard gatefold sleeve.

And, in delightful edition -
Its very special revolving hole,
Wrapped tenderly - hand-made too!
Will come to you separately,
Posted in a vacuum-sealed, sexy black bubble-wrap.

We're sorry,
For we are now legally obliged to state the obvious to you:
We know, probably, you are aware of this already, and,
Justin Bieber appreciates your patience and understanding here,
Truly, he does,
For he knows how seriously his special fans,
Love all manifestations of life in this amazing universe so very much:
A universe that created Justin Bieber,
And Justin Bieber fans,
And on the same planet,
And at the same time, means,
We Are All One.
But Justin Bieber's lawyers still wish you to know:
Please don't, by accident,
Drop the hole for this mp3 through your hands:
A dropped revolving hole may trigger,
A cataclysmic flux in space-time,
Ripping the entire universe to absolute shreds.

Don't do this in Justin Bieber's name:
He loves you as he loves Canada.

Justin Bieber doesn't want any of his truly astonishing fans to
wipe out fifty-billion-and-one civilisations instantly.
And all for being a little clumsy?

And please be aware,
The person who drops the mp3 hole will be humanity's sole survivor,
(Being the centre of the catastrophe, ironically perhaps,
Means being the only one to escape instant death).
Now that is not good news,
As everyone else, all dead, shall eagerly await their slayer's arrival,
Down and into,
The newly terrible and vengeful black hole afterlife.
And "sorry" and "please forgive me" won't cut it there:
For your forgiving and loving God,
Wrapped as She is,
In the very bubble-wrap of space-time,
Would also have died.
The swirling, melting afterlife,
Functioning out of space and time,
Would thrive.
And yes,
That is really ironic.

Even Justin Bieber's pure and eternal soul won't be able to save you there.

Dear winner,
Please don't let this information spoil your enjoyment of this limited edition mp3,
With its virtual gatefold sleeve,
And its very special revolving hole,
Arriving separately,
In sexy black bubble wrap

Justin Bieber endorses this message.


That was forty-two seconds of your life,
You will never get back.
So how was it for you?

Actually -
Only kidding!
Here you go:
Here's your forty-two seconds back.
Please put them away in a cool, dry and safe place,
Until you need them.

Please use your forty-two seconds wisely,
By July 3011.

If you accidentally consume these forty-two seconds after the use-by-date,
Please fly back in time,
Before your cosmic consciousness disintegrates;
Your local time-warp shaman,
Will be glad to assist you with this,
So don't worry.

(And in case you are wondering -
And you probably are -
Time-warp shamanic practitioners
Will come into existence,
In ninety years and twelve seconds time, precisely,
By which time,
You will also be delighted to hear,
We would also have paid off our current national deficit,
And be invited to join The New Mongol Empire.
The New Mongol Empire?
Oh, don't ask.)

So remember,
Justin Bieber wants you to enjoy his compositions,
And his very special revolving hole,

Please be warned:
The lyrics on this mp3,
Contain mild expressions of sentimental sadness.

Justin Bieber,
And The New Mongol Empire,
Endorse this message.