Monday, 31 March 2014

They Go To Food Banks For Bingo and Beer, But Should They?

This poem quite deliberately doesn't rhyme.
People who use food banks aren't entitled to a poem that rhymes. 
To most, that would seem pretty obvious, but.. 

If this poem rhymed, 
Soon enough the unemployed slash low-paid, 
(They're really the same: semantics), 
Deploying their astonishingly cynical levels of guile, 
Would then expect all poems written about them to rhyme. 
And where would we be then? 
The all too well-travelled slippery slope, 
That's where we would be. 
Exclamation mark.  

Edwina Currie, the venerable former Member of Parliament - 
Elegant, humble, susurrant - 
Confirms our worst fears: 
The so-called so-called food banks - 
The only banks left wing people trust (surprise, surprise), 
Sends out entirely the wrong message. 
That entirely wrong message:  
People who so-called work in so-called low-paid jobs, 
Are absolutely entitled to eat free tinned mushy peas, for example, 
Which totally (my italics) totally undermines Britain's responsible hard-working families (Trademark), 
The exasperated always-silent-majority, 
Who ask: 
Why should I work in low-paid jobs for my tinned custard slash tinned tomatoes,  
Or, God forbid, tinned mushy peas, 
When there are irresponsible (my italics),
Irresponsible hard-working families (not yet trademarked) that get all this stuff for free. 
Exclamation mark. Question mark. 

Free tinned tomatoes doesn't rhyme. 
And why should tinned tomatoes rhyme? 
Free tinned tomatoes eaten by the low-paid? 
Pretending like they are of the Eurosceptical elite, 
Vacationing in some fancy pants villa in Florence? 
Low-paid people eating tinned tomatoes? 
Next they'll be asking for artisan sliced white bread to stuff their face with
while playing bingo
in the thick hashish/opium smoke-filled food bank.
Pretentious moi they are. 
I agree with our Edwina: 
Low-paid so-called people (people in complex inverted commas) should budget better;
It's so easy.
Easier than writing a poem that on principle must not rhyme, that's for sure. 
And where are my tinned tomatoes? 
No tinned tomatoes for Britain's struggling, tortured poets;
My head is practically falling off. But I don't complain.
No one asks me if I have tinned tomatoes. 
Double exclamation mark, plus one question mark.

Light bulbs don't rhyme. 
Amen to that. 
There's no excuse if they did. 
Everyone knows light bulbs, crushed, make for a wonderful crunchy snack. 
Poets eat them all the time. 
What's a little sore throat?
And crushed light bulbs are so low in calories too. 
So what more do these feckless low-paid want? 

Yes, I said cement. Exclamation mark. 
What should I have said at this crucial middle point in this poem that steadfastly refuses to rhyme? 

Cement mixed in with delicate garden twigs, cooked, can provide a heart-warming soup; 
Melts crunchy on furry car mat unsophisticated unemployed tongues. 
What cost of living crisis, I ask you? 
Oh look, that nearly rhymed. 
This poem almost turned liberal on itself. 

Edwina, a no-nonsense Tory, only says it like it is.
And let's thank little Baby Jesus for that.
And little Baby Buddha, and little Baby Prophet Mohammad.
In fact, let's thank all the important babies of history. 
None of them - none of them - ever used a food bank. 

May I might remind you this poem refuses to rhyme. 
I firmly believe low-paid people who, or is it whom? 
Whom use food banks? 
That makes me sound like Russell Brand doesn't it? Whom. 
Russell Brand, 
Whom does not use a foody woody banky, my liege.
His liege-tight trousers, throbbing hotter than a bingo caller -
A bingo caller celebrating frozen beer prices liketheydoenjoy (one word) liketheydoenjoy.. 

Yes, badgers! No exclamation mark needed.
Badgers whom never rhyme. 
Should they? 
Why don't the low-paid get up off their backside,
And hunt that badger? 
With their flubberingdiabetesengorgedlazyflabberyfingers (one word). 
Boil the badger,
And use the wings of a tawny owl for garnish. 
Problem solved. 
Ignore Bill Oddie, kill and eat a possibly but not definitely diseased badger; 
Cut out the diseased bits, eat the rest. Man up!
And that badger, even diseased, deserves a poem that rhymes, more than you-know-who. 

Unicorn ear wax! 
Yes, unicorn ear wax. 
Someone had to say it. 
Unicorns are lazy, they ponce about inside the magic mountain. 
Low-paid public sector people, 
Flap thy bingo wings and run to the magic mountain, 
As fast as your rippling rivers of wobbling work-shy thighs can carry you. 
Bjork anciently chucked off cutlery from atop the magic mountain. 
Collect her cutlery, 
Only a little rusty now, 
And unleash your imprisoned badgers to dive on the unicorn, and, 
Smash its skull open for its marbled ear wax. 
Unicorns' ear wax makes for a wonderful condiment. 

Edwina Currie doesn't rhyme with poetry or unicorn ear wax. 
There's a reason for that: 
Low-paid people don't deserve it. 


Is David Cameron a Christian country?
Last week he asked you to decide.

Jesus rides his donkey
He has wine
He has fruit 
He has bread
And through the rain, just up ahead
He observes a throng
A throng outside the food bank -
Tears in their eyes..

Jesus though, looking through them, turns away
Scroungers - he whispers under his breath 
If I gave them all this
I will be sending out entirely the wrong message..
And he rides on..

A limosine pulls up
Jesus stops, the passenger-side electric window rolls down 
It's Gary Barlow..

Jesus sends his donkey on its way
Steps into the limo with the bread and fruit and wine
And the limo speeds away..

So the answer is yes
David Cameron is a Christian country
He always was and he always will be
Gary Barlow has done a lot for charity..