Sunday, 22 March 2015

Things To Do When Your Heart Is Broken

Things to do when your heart is broken

The second part of this poem is entitled Fridge Magnet Fuck Buddy Poem.
So if you want to skip the first part of this poem
for the more salacious, less spiritually uplifting second part, (or should that be fewer?),
Go ahead.
You should feel ashamed though.

It's up to you.

And just so you know,
We'll know
(It's not just about fighting terrorism.)

You can save yourself a further eleven seconds
not reading this part too.
Though please note this intense and aggressive build up,
Will help you lock on,
Aggregate and calibrate your audience.
I hope you're not on drugs - or things.

Things to do when your heart is broken

Chuck grumpy glamorous people in hedgerows,
Comb the whiskers of a walrus,
Tickle the toes of a baby mole,
Eat blancmange with gusto.

Don't be surprised if you still feel low,
But at least know,
Baby mole will always love you.
And forever,
Up to the time,
That baby mole grows up and dumps you a "so long..".

Ah yeah, but you know that will happen, so that's okay.


Moving on.
I'm receiving lots of emails from glamorous women,
Imploring me to desire them as their f*ckbuddy.
Their explicit coyness designed to enchant;
They always send their emails begging me to be their effasteriskbuddy,
Directly into my spam folder;
To shy to fire their amorous missives directly into my inbox,
They fantasise the come-hither thrill, testing my detective skill, the cyber silken sheet chase.
James Blunt.

These comely ladies are from all over the world.
They really must support my poetry.
I suppose I can't blame them.

I reply to all:
Dear LusciousLips, HornyBeijingGirl, LatinMinx, etcetera,
Thank you for covertly approaching me to be your,

You obviously enjoy my poetry
A Lot.
I have to decline your passion offered.
You see, I'm celibate,
I live in a tree-house,
I only talk to owls,
And my best friend is a crazy witch that lives in the forbidden forest, (just by the motorway).
Cheers anyway!

And you'll be shocked by how many replies I receive, typically:
"Oh don't worry,
Just help me with my visa,
Pretend we're a couple and we want to marry,
And I promise to leave you alone,
I won't force you to be my effasteriskbuddy..".

I just ignore them;
I know they are lying.
At their first opportunity they will taunt me,
Tie me up to the bedposts for the rest of my days.
I'll be a man enslaved!
No way!

They must think I'm stupid.
And think of the poor owls!

Please note -
You can save yourself another two minutes of time,
By not reading any of the above.

Don't believe in conspiracy;
Be in the matrix.
Indeed, be,
Be the matrix.