Friday, 13 May 2016

How I Defeated A Buy-To-Let Landlord

Oh I didn't
I didn't defeat a buy-to-let landlord
Not one so much as once

I have this poem
So we can call it a draw

I didn't defeat a buy-to-let landlord
Not so much as once so..

So I have this poem
A low-fi kind of poetry Lo
For a lo-fi kind of draw

Now indulge me for moments and ponder this
If every poet were able to defeat buy-to-let landlords
Where would poetry be
Nowhere near poetry

With quality kitchen units of Atlantian crystal
Colour coded en-suite lapis lazuli bathrooms
A delightful cacophony of blue hue iridescence

Studded rhinestones blaze
Amaze the child-minders

 what about.. 
A heart-shaped swimming pool with Icelandic steam sauna 
A triple-aspect air-conditioned jade balcony towering above 
your cavernous multi-level sprawling basement 
Such subterranea-fracking de-rigueur
                                                     in Kensington and Chelsea

Italian marble decking for the dodo birdcage..

Luxury Persian carpets and cats 
Luxury cats 
Their fur 
Like satin Venusian clouds 
The textured weave of orchids' gossamer petals 
Shimmery Arctic summer
Oenomel nectar dewy

Subdued chandeliers lightly dot the mezzanine 
Tear drop spotlights hang
                              outside your offspring's garden ziggurat
Quartz snooker table 
Conch-shaped rabbit hutches 
Elgin Marbles 

Well you must know where I am going with this 
You surely must 
As some of you have known me through poetry since 2009 
International soul-minds now meshed
                                                                 intricately aligned


Seven years is longer than most buy-to-let tenancies 
Indeed longer than most intimate relationships  
Most jobs most friendships 
Most government inquiries 
Syrian children's lifespans.. 

There will never quite be another 
Unless a new messiah arrives 
Then we will have another 2009 
2010 years after he is crucified
Crucified by the media this time 
That is unless the new messiah is media-manufactured 
A media-manufactured messiah 
Won't be crucified 
Certainly not by the media 
Until the appointed time and hour.. 
Then shall be 
And we will join in the deeming
Because we won't want to feel outside of things 
As we are social animals

One manifestation of the social animal in the early 21st century 
Chickens and eggs atavism
Gonzo tabula rasa
The shapeless mandate 
The flesh-on-pixel drones lock-and-load
                         the hand-me-down copy-and-paste

We throw the stones 
As the quarrymen blast rocks from thrones
The ghostly reflections of the unchosen
Rippling fall
Often opaque outside our glassed-in knolls

He turns water into wine 
So encourages irresponsible drinking 
He gives away free loaves of bread 
Knowing carbohydrates trigger obesity 
He forgives all sinners
But will he cure their diabetes
He is politically correct gone mad 
He hangs out with a prostitute 
So I ask you 
What more needs to be said 
                                            The feminist

And 2009 years' or so ago 
There would have been a poet 
Musing similarly
Holding a quill wearing a toga 
Although I have no idea  how a quill is able to wear a toga 
One of those lost arts
                                       did I just spill my poem inside your champagne.. 

A poet living in affordable opulence 
Would look around themselves askance 
And muse 
I really must let go of this childish versifying thing 
It no longer seems.. 
                          It no longer seems...

Leaning there 
Against your quartz snooker table 
Poetry not very fitting 
For a distinguished human being  
Of your economically elevated status and bearing 

Once in a lifetime..
 My God what have I done..* 
Buy-to-let landlords 
This is my poem dedicated to you 
To whatever religion or spirituality you belong 
An infinite shower of blessings 

You are the divine unicorn incarnate 
You stoke us wild with creativity
               The embittered poets sated 
                           Such as me myself and me 
You embody and personify the rarest nobility 

You are both spiritual and religious And that must not be easy
Buy-to-let landlords 
You really humble this poet  
              with your sure-footed power shower benefaction action
Buy-to-let landlords 
You only rip us off to inspire 
You are all from head-to-toe soaked drenched 
Stumbling out the bedazzled dairy
The very dairy of human kindness 
The very goats 
The very camels 
The very cows..
Asses milk
Old Testament asses milk 
The best kind 
The only kind.. 
Forget high street asses milk 
This asses milk puts high street asses milk in the shade 
Asses don't make asses milk like they used to 
Although their goats milk 
is perfectly reasonable
Honey dew melons 
Fig trees 
Baby dolphins squeak splashing inside their pools
Your Emperor penguins playfully frolick 
                inside your walk-in fridge/freezers

Buy-to-let landlords 
Your property ours for an unreasonable fee 
And perhaps more unreasonably 
I encourage you all to please charge ever more unreasonably 
For it would inspire us poets more I'm sure 
Although I concede that's only me being greedy
Greedy for your gifts of melancholy
And yes
For this greed 

This strange gluttony
I feel ashamed

Buy-to-let landlords
Forgive me.. 


* "Once in a Lifetime" by Talking Heads