Wednesday, 31 July 2013
A Real Woman Has Had A Baby (A Real Woman Though She's A Princess)
A woman has given birth to a...
Let us rejoice!
What a marvel!
What has been going on?
A woman has had a baby?
Is this a twenty-first century cutting-edge technology doing right,
Or doing wrong?
Britain's premier (subscription) MILF porn channels,
All agog, or gagging - depending on the channel.
On the BBC they were gagging,
The (subscription) MILF porn channels, not so much, ironically.
Nicholas Witchell, by name, on triple overtime I bet.
Quite right too, and thank goodness.
On the BBC, nothing else.
A woman has had a baby!
A real woman though she's a princess.
I remember where I was when I first heard the miraculous news:
I was watching the news, but it was nowhere.
I wondered why.
Then, I stopped wondering why:
A woman has had a baby - that's why!
I said no way!
How? A woman....?
But obviously the scientists have this holy grail commanded.
So, the country that gave the world the railways,
And self-service tanning salons for only one pound-an-hour,
Behold, peasants of Albion, and the heathen boundaries beyond,
This most miraculous of bounties:
A baby - of woman!
Surely more amazing than the pyramids;
Of more import than Syrian skirmishes?
Rejoice! You must!
A woman - a British woman to boot!
Has given birth!
There's no other way to say this -
I can't stop saying it.
Neither can the BBC, and the other responsible media, understandably.
The baby even said its name: George!
My name is George. Just like that!
My name is George, and,
I am a baby - the world's first baby born to a woman;
A real woman though a princess.
For a moment there,
And I'm ashamed to admit this -
I thought it was all propaganda.
But propaganda to what end? I could not fathom.
So it's not propaganda I realised.
Phew! What a relief.
No longer shall babies be born under toadstools,
Or be couriered by unicorns from fluffy little clouds.
Sad, in a way..
Maybe these traditional baby-delivering practises will be considered old-fashioned before long.
But is this progress?
I think so.
Outside of work, women need a hobby -
This will do.
Maybe, even in our own lifetime,
Women may soon give birth to babies in such Malthusian numbers,
That it will be considered so mundane and ordinary,
A woman doing baby-birthing will no longer occupy the news,
Full Spectrum Dominance style,
The way this baby has since its "conception".
Conception - whatever the hell that might mean..
Let's see how multi-skilled women really are:
Having babies, and multi-skilling at the same time?
Can they do both, and at the same time?
You know, I bet they can.
I need a lawn mower.
Actually, I don't.
But if I did,
Could a woman give birth to a lawn mower?
A baby lawn mower?
Would that be silly?
I couldn't imagine Nicholas Witchell getting giddy about a woman -
A real woman though a princess -
Having a natural baby lawn mower birth.
Nicholas Witchell giving birth to a real baby though,
That's another matter.
I'd gladly pay to see that:
Nicholas Witchell giving birth to a real baby,
Even though he is a princess.