Mind That Child

Mind that child
Which child
The Baby On Board child in the back of my car
How do you wish me to mind them
Drive carefully
My child is in the back of my car
Should I knock over the other children
Yes
That would be helpful
The school I wish my child to attend is over-subscribed
Don't quote me
The nuns

Unfortunately I don't have a driving licence
So I cannot drive a car
It would be against the law
So I'm not allowed to knock over the other children
It's probably in the highway code

Well I wish you had said that in the beginning
Are you a psychopath or something

Post Rock Song Titles That Probably Don't Exist But Probably Should (A List Poem, Part 1)

Fish to the Sound of Neptune
Synonymous Acropolis
Falling Off Crystals
Purgatory Daffodil in Musk
Gemini Gerbil
Livid Contract Negotiations in a Quarry
Eyewash for my Snowflakes
As Her Hand Grips the Atom Smasher I Run into an Exploding Volcano
Screaming at Triangles
Song with Insufficient Form
I LOve Her Like Zero Loves INfinity
Your God Hates Mirrors
Uncomfortable Guitar Shapes
Khartoum Lap Dancer
The Tip of Time in a Blade of Glass

I Broke the Internet
Helped by People Living on Stranger Worlds
Your Ectoplasm, My Face
The Nuclear Fission of Nuns is Present
I Fell in Love with a Forbidden Archaeologist but She Fell in Love with an Exo-EgyptologistThe Hindu Goddess of the Delay Pedal Drinks Rose Milk

Granny Farm Stage 3 (Fat Chance)
She Points to Orion as this Earth Melts
The Sound of Ten Thousand Ears
Filament/Bingo Atrocity
Brand New Cardigan for My Fata Morgana
My Ears See My Eyes Listen
Revenge of the Vegan Lobsters
Corn Circle Bottleneck Blues
Six Seconds of Silence for Two Minutes
In Praise (of British Dentists)
Shoot those Asterisks at my Heart
Effects Affect Effects
Ultraterrestrials in Devon
If Goldfish Played Guitar

Liminal Turpentine
I Smoke Chemtrails
Is That Supposed To Mean Something?
She's a Blow-up Sheep (but She Loves You)
Tell Me About My Childhood
Forms of Boredom at Prayer
89% of a Ming Vase
Lozenge Picnic in an Elephant Graveyard
Bill Oddie Accidentally Killed My Badger Part 2 (Extended Version)

Tulip Abuse on the Web (Shills on the Seashore)
Ununpentium (A Tribute To Bob Lazar)
Unpronounceable and Single
Pituitary Argonaut
NasaAstroturf/The Moon is a Flat Earth

Magenta Apollinaire
O
Glue Mermaids on Sax
Acoustic Feedback at Cern
My Soul is in Kilos
12:32 Sonic Integer
No Aspartame, No Crime
Smoke Signals for a Predictive Programmer Apocalypse
Sink Holes of Helsinki
Infinity Plus One Equals Zero Minus Time Squared
Yoga 4 Yetis
Chords Across the Rubicon
Killer Cheerleaders Never Die
Petal Crush Smoothie
Gandhi and Buddha Smash up a Hotel Room with a Candy Floss Light Saber
Of Neon
Mad Cow Rodeo (Who Stole the Sports Tyres from my UFO?)

etcetera..


*If any of these titles are real please let me know; I don't want to get sued for copywrite infringement

**No offence to post rock bands who hate being categorised as such; it seems to upset them 

***Examples of the genre: GSYBE, Sigor Ros, Mogwai, Explosions in the Sky, Beta Band, Cheryl Cole..
 

Papadum Sommelier Redux

Inside Indian bleeding edge vegetarian Restaurant Go! Transcendental Yeti Goddess
Attractive couple at table reading menu. Intimate, chilled, sophisticated vibe, subdued lighting and candlelight. Indian ambient jazz music gently waft over everyone..

Elegantly dressed man walks up to a couple's table. This is Shashi, Papadum Sommelier extraordinaire..

Shashi: Good evening, my name is Shashi, your papadum sommelier for this evening. Would you like to order?

Man: Oh yes, thank you. We're impressed with your extensive papadum list I have to say. I haven't even tried most of these.

Shashi: Sir, thank you. I can confidently argue that our papadum list is the finest in Shoreditch. All our papadums are hand-made, especially flown in from India and Nepal especially for our London Shoreditch clients.

Woman: Do you have a papadum special?

Shashi: We do. Today's papadum is "Mumbai Platinum". I'll fetch one for you if you would like a tasting..

Woman: Oh that would be lovely.

Shashi leaves to collect a "Mumbai Platinum" papadum.

Woman: gorgeous restaurant darling.

Man: Thank you. It comes highly recommended. If you haven't eaten a papadum here, they say, you haven't eaten a papadum anywhere..in Shoreditch.

Woman: Oh darling, you think of everything.

Shashi returns pushing a tray table on wheels. On top of the tray is a covered dish. Shashi puts on some white gloves and carefully pulls back the dish cover, and voila! we see the Mumbai Platinum papadum sparkling on its silver plate. Shashi then very carefully picks up the Mumbai Platinum papadum, and holds it before the couple, showing one side of the papadum, then the other..

Man: That's lovely.

Woman: It's very pretty isn't it?

Shashi: The Mumbai Platinum is a light papadum, indeed so light its calories are in minus figures. You practically lose weight eating these. By the end of this evening you'll be floating.

Couple laugh.

Shashi: The top notes of Mumbai..are distilled fenugreek over atomised saffron bay leaf, with a dimpled cumin aftertaste, very very for the palate. The middle notes reflect its linear counterpoint - simply, pink cardamom with a sheer coral turmeric powdering. The flip side of the Mumbai Platinum lies puffed parcel occlusion centering liminal cucumber peppercorns at her base. One whole organic peppercorn utilised per papadum... All our papadums are organically grown and fair trade..

Man: That's good to hear..Yes I'd like a tasting. And darling?

Woman: Yes, let's try.

Shashi takes the papadum lists from the couple, handing it to another staff member. Shashi then places the Mumbai Platinum papadum very delicately back on its dish, then places the dish with the same care onto their table. He then pulls from his pocket an ornate and very small golden hammer. Shashi holds the hammer a few centimetres above the papadum and closes his eyes, seemingly in intense meditative concentration. The hammer hits the Mumbai Platinum papadum, and the papadum cracks. The couple applaud, indeed the whole restaurant politely applaud. Shashi shyly acknowledges, then takes a sliver of papadum and puts one each on the couple's plates.
Shashi then offers them a strange-looking small spoon.

Shashi: Madam, sir, here are your papadum scoop spoons.

With the spoon the couple take the sliver from the plate, smiling, delighted. The couple eat their sample. Both look ecstatic as the flavours and tastes roll around their tongue.

Man: This is just delightful. We'll have one!

Woman: Darling, let's have two!

Man: Why not. Let's go crazy! Yes, we'll have two papadums!

Shashi: Great choice sir, madam!