An Oblong Table, An Oblong Space

this particular table is too big for my lounge
do you have any others?

well we have this one
the problem with this table
if it is a problem
is
it's oblong

why is having an oblong table a problem?

this is an up-and-coming area
people don't like oblong tables here now
it denotes something

oh i like oblong tables
and the table is definitely the right fit for my lounge
i think i'll take it 
thanks
so when can it be delivered?

sorry we no longer deliver
do you have a car?

yes

you can pick it up any time you like

i can't drive

i don't understand
didn't you just say..?

yes but the car was stolen for me

don't worry i won't tell anyone

no the problem is i can't drive
and the man who is taking my driving test for me is still in prison

when will he be released?

in nine months with good behaviour
it was only one bank he raided
and the kidnapping of that politician
was just a misunderstanding

no problem sir
i'll wrap it up for you
and your nominated doppelganger can come and collect your oblong table in your stolen car
once he has passed your test for you

that's great
do you take stolen credit cards?

yes but only because i like this poem

i'm glad you recognise this as a poem
most would say this isn't a poem at all
but a weird comedy sketch

ignore them sir
they are philistines
i recognised this as a poem immediately
no capitalisation no punctuation
the amazing white spaces..

you are a man of good breeding
in fact i stole this credit card from the kind of person
that wouldn't recognise this as a poem

serves them right sir

i'll also leave some glorious white space under this poem
as all great poems have virgin space under them
a huge oblong space

yes sir
it denotes something

•  beginning of oblong space

•  end of oblong space

Granny Farm For Gatsby

And those rare observational gifts
justify your estate agent's fee:
"So,
   This is the kitchen,
     That must be the bathroom..
       Yeah, that dude outside is
   your genuine solar-powered garden gnome..
So, we'll throw the solar gnome in gratis..
[Smiley face]
Delightful..
AspecttoSaturncrecheleaguetables
                Upcomingareagenuinelampposts
                           Rareopportunitybargainbuyorlet
                                     AB1respectableneighbourhoodpets
                                                   DIYgardencentregastropubdentist..
                                                             So made your mind up yet?
                                                                        Floordoorceilingconifersofthoroughbredbreeding..

                                                So,
you've had my five minutes,
So,
please give me my fee,
So,
thank you goodbye,
Exit stage left me"
So,
There you now are -
So deep inside the mortgagee kill zone;
You've dished up your bank a wage slave-loving home.
Your soul gravy shall drizzle commuter zone decades,
Tumbleweed eyes glaze,
Your plaintive rockstar days sand-blasted away,
dinnerware-damned and betrayed.
A lobster on simmer-to-boil-to-cold,
So here's your keys,
And here's a sweet strychnine flavour of rope,
And how about a glass of champagne to soothe your soul's mini-stroke?

Just think, it'll all be paid for - in forty-four years,
And then it's the granny farm for Gatsby,
If
  you're
still
here.

What a bargain - Fear.
Wherever you are in the universe, you're here.
You're flipping fish-headed coins beneath the stairway to starfish.
You're a lifer, you're a hamster -
A hamster stunned on the careering karmic wheel dealing 6 billion other lap-dancing tap dancers..

Watchful -
The Great Sardines are blaring above the broiling Tiggers of Spam.
I'm mixing my metaphors as fast as I can;
I understand.

Ison floored into the sun.
Will Planet X be closer still on its fun run?
So cheer up,
You're one of the lucky ones:
Your solar-powered garden gnome will help you take command,
For this castle of sand is your castle of sand.
So if you're happy and you don't know it,
Clap one hand.

The Horrifying Zen Of Jimmy Savile

Now then
 now then
now then now
then now
now now nowthen then then

Interview With The Commander Of A Western Suicide Bomber

We gave thanks
He was blessed from above,
After all, he died doing something he loved..

He flew in, just like they did:
But they invaded, he defended.
They cluster bomb, we behead.
He was good, he was disciplined;
He was no tearaway, he was a good kid.
He was funny, loved his playstation he did.
Oh, what was his name again..? 
You know, it was two weeks' ago,
And as you know
a lot has happened since then..

I Had To Write This Poem

I had to write this poem 
because I thought of this one great line,
What do you think -
will it stand the test of time?

Well, I had to write it down
to deter other poets stealing this idea;
You know lines are clutched from the atmosphere,
Or they fall like apples, spill over like beer.

I had to write this poem,
Because I thought of this one great line;
Like a beat messiah,
My acid milk turns to wine.

And now I feel fine, and your pleasure
in my one sparkling line.
I had to write this poem,
Hidden in this gem of a line.