Walking My Penguin

 

i am walking my penguin
walking my penguin for a few furlongs
walking my penguin
no madam that is not a euphemism
not a euphemism for anything
anything at all..

my penguin requires a little decent gentle exercise
so taking my penguin for walkies is great
and he is unable to lift weights
you ask why
well because my particular penguin has flippers
you try lifting dumbbells with flippers
not recommended..

besides that
and perhaps because he has put on a little weight
his portly gait means his back is bent out of shape
somewhere down there
his vintage blubber is stoically marinating..

when i walk my penguin in the cold winter weather
he dons woolly neon booties with sucker-soled grips
so he does not fall over onto the unforgiving icy concrete
penguins feet are so unsuited to negotiate human concrete..

and please do not get me started
on why pavements do not have under-heated penguin air-bags
so where does all our council tax go
terrible i know i know..

i am walking my penguin
no madam that is not a euphemism
not a euphemism for anything
you have asked me that once already
that makes no sense at all..

and he never lashes on the lamp posts of dogs
he is exceedingly well-mannered
he stays in his lane
and when he takes a shine to a neighbour
he drops an egg in their garden for them
alpha-bloke penguins have an extraordinary skill set
penguin misandrists really need to visit their shrink-vet..

no offence meant madam
i am simply walking my penguin
only for a few furlongs
after all
do you not also walk yours
yes i should hope so..

and madam i hope you know
you should never let your penguin out on its own
common sense is not so common now
gangster pedigree penguin-nappers are everywhere
they even write stupid songs glorifying it all
conceptual double-albums about penguins finding themselves
are a rare and treasured find
the swirly album art work is always immersive and sublime..

yes i know
and alas it is not like the days of yore
when you could let your penguin out
to relax in a deckchair on strawberryfied-krill summer days
in the secure knowledge your penguin would always
always remain in completely rude health and super-safe
apart from when your penguin suffers
the irritating seasonal malady
of mildly fatal heatstroke..