Deemed Encounter

so while on a date with a senior human resources officer
i felt fairly confident the encounter was holding up well
the restaurant was her choice
and the dishes served so classy
a smoothly blended hybridised concoction enjambement
of goan vegan-cydonian and atlantian-arthurian al fresco
so in other words if the dishes we explored and excavated were an animal
it would be a parrot crossed with a mastadon a walrus and a moose
standing in a fluffy-light oat-cream custard of blue-golden spirulina bon-bon gravy
metropolitan heady substantial very edgy
and yet so effortless so gastro-noir

you get the picture..

and rest assured no mythical hybrid creatures
were in any way harmed in the above scene
i would never allow it..

so let us continue..
the boutique mock-cocktails did flow
the conversation was a benday-dot lacuna bouquet of meaningful gaze ellipses
my date with the senior human resources officer
                flowed like a magical gently babbling stream
complete with playful baby dolphins frolicking porpoises and harp-playing mermaids
and where cool jade alcoves nestle below dream-mountains of organza-sheen tangerine
i hope you get the picture..

and when the waiter enquired whether we would like dessert
she replied no we will skip it
she smiled a coy candle-lit venusian sauce factory
and ..

then and there my finely sharpened male intuition sensed
an invitation to her h.r.-boudoir-insousiance
cool egyptian sheets of cotton-satin-weave
a gaudi-style balcony a frosted bottle of craft icelandic tea
utterly enchanted and enticed not thinking twice
gladly i paid the second mortgage-like restaurant bill

then we promptly departed..

outside flanked and softly enveloped by a velvety static charge
slowly we walked within our iridescent silken bubble hand in hand
that first brush of skin felt to me utterly electric
a lightly scented rain plumed and misted us wispy-pummel-silly
i felt like a sophisticated bloke character in a 60s existential french film
one of those intellectual ruffians who bowled the ladies over
with bon mots of godless wisdom
matador of the extended metaphor
seducing his smitten preening swooners kamikaze helplessly bedazzled
enamoured of his dapper gauloises-smoke-ring curlicue presence..

politically incorrect he would read out his engineered panty-dropper pondering
a meditation on why murmurations of starlings pissing over a left-bank pylon
somehow signified and presaged the imminent collapse of dreary capitalism
then he would look to the heavens and promise
by nineteen-seventy-four at the very latest
there would be mass love-ins within domed marxist ziggurat communes on mars
where even the cows would be practicing zero-gravity yoga
when they are not zooming around telekinetically piloting flying cars..

so to underline
my date with the senior human resources officer was unfolding
more spectacularly than i would dare imagine..

we walked to a nearby marble fountain now arm in arm
the magnetic moon shimmered over the lapping rippling tinkling water
distant heady laughter serenaded a lilting jazz saxophone melody
the sailing summer susurration echoing wafting floating us intertwined
as blinking neon lights dappled us a synesthete symphony
you hear the picture..

gazing down into the inky fountain the ululations mirrored
the loved-up reflection glistening
there she brushed my cheek
i could smell her niche perfume - a wow
saffron and jasmine with counterpointed vodka-marshmallow inflections
and i closed my eyes as she caressed so tenderly the back of my neck
then with her other hidden hand in a flash
she shoved and pressed my head right under the fountain water
shocked astonished i was choking i could not breathe
i thrashed as i tried to comprehend
i gurgled my final lost breaths wtf
my life played out before me
because i thought i was going to die - yes

so what did i miss how had i upset her so
and i thought the date was going so well
so what happened to my finely-tuned male intuition sixth sense
it was too late to guess i guessed..

after a while of choking somehow she lifted
then tipped me over in the fountain completely
and after i managed to scramble to safety
collapsing on the cobbled stones beneath
couples curious aswarmed and openly spied laughing at and recording me
bewildered as i looked up at the senior human resources officer
i could only choke and splutter out why and wtf..

she calmly looked down and curtly announced.. 

here is a hard copy of the form
do not worry you do not need to fill it in now
take your time
have it emailed to me by nine tomorrow
that will be fine.. 
and with that off she sashayed like an empress for sociopaths into the night..

so what had she handed to me
my skull spinning-mind-wasps had warned
the penny finally dropped i should have guessed
of course it was a self-assessment performance review form..

it was one of those from a scale of one to five questionnaires
one being poor to five being excellent
and with the small blank space at the bottom
where you could leave thoughtful feedback comment
but only if you really wished
you did not have to
have to - their spiritual advice - my italics..

so please allow me to read out her performance review questions for you 
so strap yourself in

question 1
reflecting on the date you have just enjoyed with your senior human resources officer what could you have done differently to make your senior human resources officer even happier..

question 2
what are your key learning takeaways from tonight
and how will almost choking to death from drowning improve your morale going forward..

in other words what are the recognised value-added positives that will help you to be more productive and achieve our necessary objectives..

question 3
please identify the three finest qualities of your senior human resources officer
and contrast them with your three most egregious and pathetic faults failures and weaknesses..

please be honest..

you will be asked to present these with examples at your next team-building away day..

bring with you any organic herbal lavender-chamomile-honeysuckle teabags of your choice..

and please note should you forget we will deem such action a conscious nuclear-level macro-aggression directed at the entire senior human resources team..dotdotdot
.

drenched weeping i wandered so alone pondering her perplexing questions so deep
praying to find a dark web hacker to sell me initiate-level answers for an inexpensive fee..

a little too late i finally got the picture..