Daisy, Daisy Cow, The

This health and safety notice will explode in five minutes..
Four minutes..
Three minutes..

Sorry,
This health and safety notice will not explode:
It has developed a fault.
Al Queda Health and Safety Executive,
Apologise for any inconvenience caused.

This celebrity has passed his sell-by date.
He has passed with flying colours,
And shall be presented with this lovely certificate,
At his sell-out parade,
To celebrate his stellar achievement.

This meat has gone off,
But no-one knows where it's gone to.
Naughty cow!
Please find and kill her,
And then deep-freeze her;
Then she wont go off again,
For at least another twelve months.
She answers to the name of Daisy, Daisy Cow,
And her middle name is The.

This relationship is past finished,
We just aren't compatible,
And we have nothing in common.
But surely we can still be best friends?

This dogma will pass,
And be superseded by another dogma,
And this will continue in cycles,
Forever and ever.
Dogma is Great! Dogma is Great!
Woof! Woof!
Dogma is Great!
Woof! Woof!
Or Meeow! Meeow!
If you're an agnostic.

Portent Of A Disconnection Foretold

Commuters space-walk along the train platform;
Broken links:
A human chain in mourning.
Faces' lines read like tyre tracks:
Stanzas torn abandoned on a zebra crossing.
Air conditioned skin awaits to shed on the rattlesnake.
Silencer earphones on "stun", eyes like rose-tinted grenades..

Indentured meer cats mutter mobile hydraulic conversations:
I'm calling just to let you know
I can't talk now I'm on the train,
Or I will be if it ever arrives,
Talk later..
And again the roaring silence washes over the caller,
Like a prodigal son,
Surfing a crashing wave of liquid nitrogen,
Smashing against a zero-gravity beach head.
Return to sender.

Such curious nano incantations murmur,
Like a thousand Buddhist librarians:
I'm on my way;
I'm not on my way;
I'm nearly there, but..;
I might be there late;
I might not be late, but if I am
I will only just be late..but if I will be I will still be there;
..and can you buy cat food on your way home,
Love you..Hello.. I said I love you..Hello..?
That hello with its plaintive question mark:
A portent of a disconnection foretold?
She returns her phone to her handbag,
And looks down,
Her eyes shimmer and falter like an evaporating mirage,
And the little mouse on the track,
Weaves and bobs like a boxer on LSD;
He's obviously not a church mouse.

Me?
Oh I just listen to music,
And sometimes text the message:
I can't text you now I'm on the train,
Or I will be if it ever arrives..

An Englishly Simpleodlium

Obsiliquent is not a word,
This word does not exist.
In other words,
Obsiliquent is utterly rindampulous.

Although,
When used in a magical realist context,
Could parse in a bambitarily, omfododily kind of way:
The garden gnome is astride my unicorn, obsiliquent;
For example.

It's so important to get these simple things right.

Bonsai Beast

Some men have penises that can chop down trees,
But some women prefer penises that buzz like bees..

A Fragrance Ghost With No Name Drifts By

And whenever I catch a whiff of her perfume,
As a fragrance ghost with no name drifts by,
Time's warped arrow splices,
And Love's atomic clock,
Tock-ticks its anti-clockwise meltdown,
And a handful of forbidden memories escape,
Their ashes regenerate.

Time's never a straight line;
It's a curving upper-cut -
A cosmic smack,
Care of the Bad Karma Police.
I'm not guilty,
Where's my solicitor?

Glowing pearls on a melting boomerang,
Thrown by a dream-time warrior,
At this desert pedestrian.

Such memories:
Lonesome grains of sand more precious than diamond.
The broken windows of space evaporate Time,
And melt away,
The comic, dark-matter shadow play.
The wistful dolly dagger twists,
A charmed feedback loop of deja vu:
Her scent: her phantom touch,
She's not here,
She's not here she is..

The Pylon And The Scarf

A silk scarf of crimson elevates,
Levitates,
Like a sky-bound alien manta ray;
The deep glowing slate heavens shimmer,
Casting the pylon a mysterious aura of golden silver,
And reflects a light so fierce:
A totem of shining mirror.

The darkest cream grey sky,
Whisked and liquefied,
All passive-aggressive,
Blasts down still-life breaths,
Pummelling the mustard grass,
Like bleached wig hair,
Sucked up into a cyclonic vacuum cleaner's vortex.

Brooding tides of air currents,
Caress and lift this abandoned scarf,
Playfully,
(Lovingly?),
Higher,
As it arcs the beaming pylon,
In spirals it drifts.

This pylon,
Like a dancer frozen:
A bashful pageant Christ,
His six energy-god arms seem to outstretch,
Perhaps to catch her?

The orphaned scarf,
Here in the so silent day after a night -
Abandoned,
Abandons itself,
In turn,
To the pagan power line,
And rests.

And falls,
Like a spaceman.

The Bendy-Bus Salsa

i)
Astringent lemon insurgency -
Eau de Sicily;
My plankton face.

Lapis lazuli olfactory iridescence;
I Gurgle my mint mouthwash arias.
Scorchio!
My coral reef tongue.

Saturday night surgery:
Pregnant prophylactic prophecy,
Carnal dentistry,
Sensual occlusion jihadi,
Lapidary mercenary;
Meat-market crash-team.

No, no.
I think this year I'll stay in -
No desire to set sail for the Babel-tongue-fisted neon canyons,
With my cinema-verite pirate-eyes.
Gottle-of-gear,
Gottle-of-gear.

Laser-guided eye-lines glancing over shoulders,
Cold eyes folded:
The smear-stare,
The double-take;
Let the crumbs eat cake.
Beer-goggle romance,
As tender as a gorilla finger-fucking a souffle.

Clowns and meer cats,
Crocodiles and fairies,
Maggots, mermaids, parrots and canaries.

I'm floating,
I'm bouncing,
I'm a primal blurry blob,
Punching out through my teeth silly words,
Like a twentieth-century typist
banging out bingo numbers in Morse code,
Behind this - my vacant and collapsing semaphore-miming face.

It's the show-and-tell,
My Guantanamo Caligula.
What the hell would Jane Austen make of this?
This Urban Jungle Book,
This Amour Vaudeville.
Piss bolts of silk,
Giraffes:
"Eat My Milk."

ii)
Dark-matter-rainfall spool their angel-down yarn,
Like transcendental fishing lines,
Wispy vermicelli of turquoise-charcoal-silver.
Illuminated whirlpool-puddle-leaves,
Circle and swim,
Like schools of tropical fish,
On a delicates/silk-rinse cycle.

And a couple swoon-loopy,
Aflame,
Ache,
Entwined beneath this wallflower moon:
Our parochial star.
They sway,
And slowly turn,
Alternating clockwise,
And anti-clockwise,
On the bendy-bus turntable,
Like only passengers on a bendy-bus can:
The Bendy-Bus Salsa.

A sonic-boom of de-cloaking pigeons,
Helicopter-blade,
Rotate,
Fan-out and arc,
And,
Fade.

Two sirens,
Now three,
Now four,
Now five,
Hermetically seal,
The rudely awakened God-Squad Sunday sky.

And as atheists pray to Jesus,
To cure them of their hangovers,
Dawn-patrol photo-tourists,
March like lobsters,
And gently collide with shift-workers,
Like deflating, static, party balloons.

In the interests of time,
I'll keep this poem to a thousand unwritten lines.

Eject.

Future Recommendations:

People who bought this lawn mower,
Also bought this Aphex Twin MP3.

People who bought these water purification filters,
Also bought this plastic bonsai tree.

People who sell The War On Terror,
Never buy candles, flowers and wreathes.

A Lamp Post

A lamp post tourniquet of wilted roses,
Hang;
They weep and fuse inside their bag,
Of polythene-condensation-tears.

It's been there for a week or so now.
A note attached,
Rain-ink-drips block capitals:
"WHY YOU WERE SO LOVELY".

A bent-double bollard -
A dislocated thumb,
Its wire fangs and bone,
Expose the torn pavement flag bare.

Child undone:
A hit-and-run.

Hollywood's Top Ten Most Mysterious Drug Overdoses

She threw the roses on the floor,
Like they were used takeaway trays,
"I hate him!" She exclaimed,
"If he thinks all he need do is send me this:
Some cheap garage flowers!
That makes everything okay.."
She flourished an imaginary wand,
"..just like that!"
Her slanted feline eyes demanded affirmation,
I just shrugged my shoulders,
And patted the sofa.

She sat down,
Staring-out the discarded flowers,
Hoping they would spontaneously combust,
But they just cast timid baby shadows on the beech floor -
The roses now stricken by a smirking,
Still,
And pretty smug-with-itself afternoon sun.

"Hollywood's Top Ten Most Mysterious Drug Overdoses"
was about to begin.
"Oh look" I said,
" "Hollywood's Top Ten Most Mysterious Drug Overdoses"
is about to start".
"I'm not in the mood!"
She was adamant!
"God" I thought to myself,
"This really is serious then.."

A few hour-seconds of tomb-like silence dumbwaitered by,
Before her mobile chirruped oddly,
Tentatively,
Plaintively,
Like a broken songbird,
Sending out its last-breath s.o.s.

She oblong-shaped her inevitable sigh,
And lifted up her mobile,
As if it was a dumbbell,
Of papier mache.
She scanned the text,
And then,
Smeared almost comically her most elusive Da Vinci painted smile,
Which blasted the snide sun out of its static orbit,
Atomically,
And out of sight!

And baffled angels descended..
Scratched their heads,
So I just pointed at her.

She giggled,
Glanced at me,
Then turned away all Geisha;
I couldn't help but smile.
"Look.." She flashed the text at me,
But pulled it away more swiftly than a thief,
"Isn't he lovely" she instructed,
"He really knows how to treat a girl.
He's so exciting!
You should be like this."
I nodded,
And,
With statesman-like gravity,
Pointed to the t.v screen,
She assented,
Now in the mood for
"Hollywood's Top Ten Most Mysterious Drug Overdoses".

I Love You Like A Packet Of Frozen Peas

I love you like a packet of frozen peas,
Yes, that much!
Except that you're not frozen,
Or anything like peas,
Or full of vitamin e,
Although I bet you are,
Because your skin glows all healthy and dewy,
Like freshly frozen peas defrosting..

So I love you like frozen peas defrosting,
Yes, that much!
Except I've never seen you defrosting,
And if I did I'd call an ambulance,
In case you catch a chill,
Defrosting frozen peas.

Cupid's Pirates

Broken heart-strings.
Broken, yet still they vibrate,
And thrum,
Reverberate,
And hum,
But they're broken aren't they?

The heart-strings snapped.
Replaced with tougher and meaner heart-ropes,
Lassoing the tightened heart,
Now a burnished, panel-beaten sail:

It will survive.

And if Cupid's pirates climb aboard,
And fire their baby arrows,
Or pluck at the heart-ropes,
Through sun, through storm,
Never fear:
Just kill another day.
And,

Eventually,
Abashed, and defeated,
Silenced,
Heads lowered,
They will always sail away.