Desert Storm Dawn

Twenty-somethings are going to bingo,
While sixty-somethings are making "real porn",
Such is the magical opening of the twenty-first-century:
The dawn of the ass-backwards unicorn.

Spoiler Alert *

* This poem contains a spoiler alert,
So if you don't want to know what happens in the rest of this poem,
Please look away now.

When this poem is finished I will let you know.

Five, four, three, two, one.

This poem is now finished.

Thank you for reading.

The New Totally Revolutionary Broccoli and Cement Plan

Are you fed up with those fad-eee diets?
Those fad-eee diets that are doh! and dee-ar?
Don't fee-ar!!
For
The New
Totally Revolutionary

Broccoli and Cement Plan is hee-aar!!

The Broccoli and Cement Plan

Your excess weight will soon be a goner,
So throw those scales away!
You can eat kebabs and call yourself Donna;
Your fat will kneel and pray!


The Broccoli and Cement Plan


Our program is never boring:
A cup of protein in the morning,
A broccoli flan in the afternoon,
And a cup of liquid cement for suppertime.


Take this for one day,
Your fatty self will burn away!
Your money back -
Gaaaraaanteeeed!
Gaaaraaanteeeed!
Once-in-a-lifetime!
No hidden fees!


The Broh-caaa-lee and Ceeement Plan,
Ring this number now!!


zeeeroh zzzeeeroh ooh one-hundred - "I wanna drink cement"


Please consult your fizz-zishan before beginning this plan..




The Broccoli and Cement Plan

Facility

Dear Sir/Madam,

It has been brought to our attention
mmmmmmThat you have been overutilising your overdraft facility
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbYou cunt.

Our commitment to responsible lending
bbbbRequires that we best meet the needs of our valued customers
bbbbbbbbResponsibly.

bbbbbbbbbbDue to ongoing liquidity issues
nnnnnnnnn((And because we just fucking well feel like it)
nnnnnnnnnnnnnWe are sadly
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH(Ha! Ha!)
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLWWWithdrawing this facility from you
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbLLLLLLLLImmediatelyRight now. Right fucking now.

Please rest assured
xxWe may wish to offer an overdraft facility to you again

xxxxProbably

ccccccIn your case

ccccccccIn the far-off distant future
aaaaaaaaaaWhen you stop behaving like an absolute cunt
b aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaYou cunt.

Sorry to swear like this
n nnnnnnnnnnnBut
ccccccccccccccccYou really have been taking the piss haven't you?

Should you have any concerns that
mmYour life will turn to absolute shit
nnnnnnISBecause we are withdrawing this facility from you immediately
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvWithout giving you any prior warning
qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqOr time to make alternative arrangements
qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqPlease do not hesitate to contact us
mmmmmmmmmmmBecause
ccccccccccccccccccccccccTo be honest
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm kkWe enjoy a good laugh
bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbHa! Ha!
t bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbSee?

Yours fucking sincerely then,

Customer Services Advisor

A Meeting

Please sit down..No?

Okay, if you prefer..

You've probably guessed then, that,

Our,

Meeting,

Is..is..about..

We're going to have to let you go.

Sorry.

It wasn't easy.

It wasn't easy,

But then again,

It was easier than letting ourselves go:

That would've been truly difficult; dreadful.

So,

We didn't do that.

The credit crunch:

With added value,

And vitamins:

More good for me,

Than for you.

May we wish you the best of luck.

Don't answer that:

Rhetorical.

We've clubbed together and bought you some chocolate.

So,

Don't eat it all at once!

Thanks again then.

Security will escort you from the premises.

Please hand your pass in at the door.

Don't worry:

We'll invite you in for the next Christmas party,

Which will happen..next Christmas,

God, what am I saying?

I know you're not thinking about that right now,

You know,

For the future..Christmas,

Please consider yourself more than pencilled in for an invite.

So..

I know, I know..

It's bad. Bad as in not good bad.

Take care then,

And,

No hard feelings, please.

No need for that;

There's no progress in it.

It's not personal:

It's personnel.

Prosumer, Vosumer, Spirisumer

So I heard a brand-new word today:
Prosumer.
Prosumer: professional consumer.
As opposed to..?
...amateur consumer?
Amsumer?

Wouldn't you say that most of us
are professional consumers now?
We're so prosuming;
So dedicated to the cause of consuming;
We're professional consumers of consuming:
Prosumers prosuming.

And some of us take prosuming to another level:
Vocational consuming:
It ain't just a job, but a feeling of love;
A need to serve:
Vosuming; vosumer.

And then -
Above vosumers are
Those that take consuming to its spiritual realm:
For these enlightened souls rarely consume what they buy,
They just put their new belongings away,
Until,
They say bye-bye;
And off into bags and boxes they go:
To eBay, charities or recycling.
These spiritual consumers just -
Buy,
And buy and buy:
True anti-materialists of the post-modern world:
Spiritual consumers:
Spirisumers.

Prosumer,
Vosumer,
Spirisumer:
Learn these new words today.

Pine

Loneliness pines -
pin-drops echo,
echoes echo.

Moon

The heavens open,
the rains darken -
the parched moon shines ardent.

Clock Smasher!

His face flows backwards,

Clock smasher!

Stretching a strange storm-tossed wafer-thin lily tree.

Wrinkles blow-torched,

Onion peeled and caramelised.

Synthetic tresses stapled and sown.

His gluey skull resealed,

Re-varnished,

Re-baptised:

Surgeons expertly scrape clients' time-lined anciently ravages:

Industrial dishfacers,

Manga facialists.

He's good to go!

(You don't think so?),

Unbandaged,

Relaminated:

Moon-tanned Bamby,

Drip-dry popsicle.

Shocked venriloquist eyes -

Silky as spam.

Ultraviolet,

Atomised:

Blancmange in neon -

Sparkly,

Glamorous shampoo for you now Powdery Blue!

Clock smasher!

Give Porche A Chance

For goodness sake!
Leave the poor bankers alone:
Their penthouses,
And porches,
Have feelings too.

Subliminal Movie

One full minute,
One full minute into this Hollywood movie, and,
Bang!
Four seconds of product placement advertising,
Subliminal product placement advertising, mind.

And done so cleverly I almost didn't notice I noticed.

After all,
There is an art to it;
Commerce and art in symbiosis;

Effortless,

Elegant,

Elephant.

The Heartbreak Ringtone

So the silent phone plays,
The Heartbreak Ringtone,
Even switched off
it plays The Heartbreak Ringtone.
And my dripping kitchen tap keeps the dead air swinging
in metronomic jazz-time.

One more time Sam,
One more time.
I'm in a b-movie,
Black and white,
"Happy Valentine".

So I pick up my fedora,
The plane is waiting,
I have a pizza to collect,
With my name on it.
Gotta go.
And when I return,
I know my silent ringtone will welcome me home,
And it will play all night long,
The Heartbreak Ringtone,
Like jazz.