If Wordsworth Suffered From Hay Fever

I wandered lonely as a cloud
But started sneezing so went back home..

 

The Goddess Of The Clickbait

she'll say something bad
because she's the goddess of the clickbait
she'll get the lubrication
lols thumbs-up love and hate
pavlov's date
kiss her crumbs
make her make her a multi-millionaire
that's really all she wants

she'll say something waaay
because she's the goddess of the clickbait
make her day
react share comment wait
suckle from her putrid lair
the bread and circus vultures pray
make her make her an opinion maker
a mainstream outlier legislator

react - she wins
hate her - she wins
love her - she wins
comment - she wins
she wins - she wins
she loses - she wins
as invisible puppeteers..

..set the dials to maximum distraction
fast-breed the trolls for the alchemical reaction
a fukushima of lost souls - sold
to the demagogues broking the new philistine code

and let us build this promised land
a promised land fit for nero
let us dance programming this chemtrailers' art
lols thumbs-up love and hate


 

Selfie Suicide

And yes, he jumped.
So they took their selfies,
And agreed he was selfish.
Laughing, they carried on..

As Angry As A Pavement Cyclist

he's as angry as a pavement cyclist
because he is a pavement cyclist
his lycra'd bollocks hanging inimitably like
only lycra'd bollocks hang
revolting neon slalom pilot
a face as puce as spam
 
he's as angry as a pavement cyclist
because he is a pavement cyclist
his recording moloch eye
a protein-fuelled protean spy
pedestrians he can prang
his birthright in a can

his legs, muscular violent toothpaste
the treetops drop-ship pigeons' bubble spaceships
billy the kid rides on oblivious
handlebars sculpted for fists
goggles for piranha fish
eyes like charles bronson in death wish

if you're in the bus queue you must die
pedestrians on pavements learn to fly
traffic lights it seems are always green
cross the road safely? in your dreams
pavement cyclists own everything
and they are always very angry
very angry indeed

I Am A Blog Poet

this is an immersive blog poem
so please put your blog poetry helmet on before banging your head repeatedly against this blog poetry screen

i am a blog poet
a blog poet
for blog poet read
plankton poet
bottom-feeder poet
swimming belly-up in the cyber fukushima sea moat
poet

i am a man that writes blog poetry
so where are my groupies
where are my rock star human rights
we need to ask ourselves here one important question
is prejudice against blog poets the last acceptable form of ism

i am a humorous poetry blog poet
that means i'm the lowest of the low
beyond redemption
the kind of human being that would make even gandhi want to pick up a baseball bat
to smash my brains in
well everyone needs a way to wind down

i am a blog poet
i sometimes receive postive feedback from
nigerian billionaires that want my bank details so they can send me fifty million pounds
exotic temptresses who need to marry me for a nominal fee
mumbai pharmacists promising to make my little fern a proud tree
or another poetry agent that definitely doesn't want to help me
i am a blog poet

i am a blog poet
sometimes i receive encouraging emails from other blog poets
encouraging me to
follow them on their blog
and leave them positive feedback
so i oblige by forwarding their blog email address to nigerian billionaires
exotic temptresses
and mumbai pharmacists
and poetry agents that hate blog poets
well one good turn..

i am a blog poet
and if you are reading this
you probably are too
it's horrible isn't it
god save the queen
thank you

i am a blog poet
i've had my blog since two thousand and nine
i should reach one thousand subscribers
in about three to four years' time
although i'm not holding my breath
i am a blog poet

i am a blog poet
i sometimes try to do something constructive about it
i watch ufo case files
or ancient aliens instead
ancient aliens were much better than the modern kind
they used to build pyramids and temples
and teach meditation and play the sitar
now the bastards abduct american cows
and burn inscrutable geometric graffiti on fields of distant stars

i am a blog poet
i am a blog poet
i am a blog poet
repeat and fade away..

so please let us be upstanding for the national anthem of this weird island next to the big part of europe
that's of no significance at all
next to this small part of europe very significant
that wants to leave europe
and move to neptune
and the neptunians can feel significant
feeling now a sense of belonging to the small significant stellarish part of europe

god save the queen blog poem

god save the queen blog poem
god save her corgies
god save those soldiers guarding buckingham palace
from german tourists trying to make them laugh
by singing kraftwerk songs in broken spanish
god save the queen
but not german tourists singing kraftwerk songs in broken spanish
god save the queen blog poem

god save the trees
but please first save the queen
unless the queen is sitting in a tree
in which case god save the queen
and the tree in which the queen is sitting
but god don't save the other trees
because they're probably communists or something
god save the queen
blog poem

god save atheists that love the queen
but don't save atheists that don't want to save the queen
even if they want to save the queen only for a rainy day
god don't save atheists that don't want to save the queen
even those cynical atheists that want to save the queen only for a rainy day
god save the queen
blog poem

god save agnostics that aren't sure about the queen
but don't save them entirely
save only a bit of them
like an elbow or leg
for example
or another part of their body
it doesn't really matter
i gave an elbow or leg only as an example
it could be a chin
or ear cartilage
it doesn't really matter to be honest
god save bits of agnostics that aren't sure about the queen
any bit really
god save bits of agnostics that are okay with god saving the queen
even if the queen might not exist
blog poem

god save the queen from commoners' austerity blog poetry
god save the queen from flowers that make her sneeze
kill 'em all
militant republican daffodils must be taught a lesson
mow the treacherous scum down
god save the queen

likewise god save evil terrorists that want to kill the queen
that is until god needs to kill them to prove he saved the queen
super-heroically
and at the very last minute
and all the people
will be grateful
for god acting like batman
god save the bad guys so god can save the queen from them
it's a bit complicated but god knows what god means
and batman would definitely know what god means
you need batman predictive programming
god save the queen

god save blog poets that want to save the queen
because then they can write blog poetry
about god saving blog poets' poetry about god saving the queen
god save the queen
and blog poetry about god saving the queen
a little like all those poems written after nine eleven
apart from those tinfoil dark web poems about how did building seven..
god save the queen

god save nauseating bbc royal correspondents who want you to want them to save the queen
god save jesus who wants to save the queen
but if he doesn't
then that's a different story
so let's hope he does
god save the queen and jesus but only if jesus wants to save the queen
otherwise there's nothing we can do for him
stupid man
god save the queen

god save everyone who wants to save the queen
god save god who wants to save the queen
but god don't save yourself if you don't want to save the queen
it's a win-win
so god save your sorry self and save your god the queen
the queen save god
god save..

god save ancient aliens
but not the modern ones who want to save the queen
unless they stop murdering american cows
then okay they may save the queen
god save sacred geometry graffiti only there to save the queen
god save the queen
blog poem..

i am a blog poet
i am a blog poet
i am a blog poet
you are a blog poet
you are a blog poet
you are a blog poet
we are a blog poet
we are a blog poet
we are a blog poet
blog poem

this has been an immersive blog poem experience
you can take off your helmet now
which colour pill do you want

Ethical Cheating Dating App 101

ethical cheating -
it's the bleeding edge of online dating -
subscribe share appropriate delete
rinse selfie, repeat

i'll be late tonight again honey
don't wait up
yeah yeah..i have to go
deadlines, we need the money
yeah i know i know..

Blow-Up Sheep Blues

Blow-up sheep blues
It's really bad ewes..

Showbiz

For we come from Planet Blancmange
For short we call Planet

We're good people
So we'll keep an eye on you
Make sure you don't do anything bad
We're interested in your funny habits
We the still ones like to know
Because
We come only for your soul
We're interested only in the rock and roll
We come for all the good stuff
We come from Planet Blancmange

For short we call ourselves Planetarians
Or Blancmangarians
Sometimes we call ourselves nothing
Because we're almost all there is

So
You don't need to apply to join the Blancmangarian brethren
You're in
And if you want to stay out
Then we'll make sure to find out what you're about
We thirst to wet nurse

We mentioned
We come from Planet Blancmange
We are avian
Fly on springs
We'll build you a strong new society made of twigs
A net of twigs
A trampoline made of twigs
We'll give you springs as we don't do wings
Silly things
We spring along our string
String you along your springs

We're close to the entertainment industry
We've already made good use of that military
Lather for your brain to make it snow slow
Wherever we are
                       you go
And just so you know
We come from Planet Blancmange

We welcome your input
We'll give you all the salient facts
Then we'll encourage you to feed them back
Confirmation bias has a bad rap
Anything else is tin foil hat
We are all there is
Now what's so wrong with that
That's not a question
That's a fact

We don't like penguins
They cause global warming
That's why there's a hole over Antarctica
You don't like penguins
They cause global warming
That's why there's a hole over Antarctica
See how natural that sounds
And to effortlessly amplify
Just a simple example
A small free sample

Remember people who don't like us don't like you
We you are all there is
Don't be a Sceptical Simon
It's a form of ideological violence
We are electricity you shall be a taut string-strong pylon
Don't be a Sceptical Simon
We you are all there is

We encourage frank debate
We'll plate-up your spinning plates
Crumbs are baby cakes
We'll serve you our choices
Our singularity shall bend and curve only with tailor-made voices
We'll moisten the bespoke hand-picked fears
We'll imagineer situations and schedule tears and seamlessly shift through the gears
Embed our white noise machinations
Inoculate the calibrations
Toll the bells of celebration
Baptise in the dark the tips of the enemies spears
Our diverse fraternity goes back a few years
You'll really wish we are here
We are the talent you are the balance
We come from Planet Blancmange
We you are all there is
Soon there won't be anything
But showbiz

Genghis Gandhi

His name is Genghis Gandhi
Let's strip his campaign hand shandy
As he blows straw men away through the msm In door
A free trade for peace
Here's another just war
Lock-on the porn of fear
Conquer and divide
Score and shoot
It's the name of that game
Kiss the ball of that boot

Weaving spells over his seashell crowd
Mesmerised by himself
The shepherd swells a coal that glitters
Slivers of vows smoke and lick melting mirrors
The thrumming of lectern stage-craft and spin
Camouflage the spiders' hidden vision

Perhaps that sits with you too strange
Perchance yearning to X the return-to-sender vote for change
Mustn't be cynical then
They're not all the same
Please consider Gandhi Genghis

Her name is Gandhi Genghis
She's all sympathetic dentist
She lip-syncs "the family..the hard-working poor.."
Yet flows for covert wars' surveillance whores more
She'll kiss your baby
                             before
                                      it can
                                             hit the floor
It's all tough love from Gandhi Genghis
Where compassion dovetails with a fistful of menace

They both spoil the rod
Withered lips gritted quote slayed men of peace
And if the said men were still alive
Laser guided boomerangs with fangs shall seek them deceased
Trolling truth to power speaks
Vacuum packs their spirited sheep
A theremin tune serenades
The curb kicking the bleating street

The gurning tango twerks the rabbit-hole sky
Let's pay obeisance sisters and brothers to the inverted all-seeing eye
Genghis Gandhi Gandhi Genghis
The croneys' The Internationale revelation in genesis

Poppadum Sommelier

May I introduce you to today's House Special Nominated Poppadom: Lumbini Nightingale.

The pronounced narrative notes of this boutique poppadom are deceptively languid and delightfully off-centre:
The top notes:
A flourish of cardamom, the organic sage sparkles cheeky eyelash dreamy saplings of jovial erotic saffron,
Glowing her golden epidermis shyly, enticingly..

Elusive zephyrs of Tibetan sage,
Slivers in landscaped peppermint oblongs blush her meandering subterranean canyons a bronzed cream.

Counterposing an arresting dandy of succulents, deftly alongside a parallel astronomy deckchair of fenugreek, Mumbai lemongrass..
Are a transcendental sprig of atomised turmeric,
Even more cheeky and vicarious,
which co-mingles entirely her crispy sandy sentient oceans mermaid..

Mentoring the top notes -
A burnished olive's fluorescing knob marine hosannas melting play jazz butter quavers sobbing the Vedic grass petals a love-in melody of subdued coriander.

So moving along the light-range of medium note-trigger-descriptors locking down this poppadom..
Going from middle-range to top then reverse to minimals, as that's easier:
A Daphne of ginger, 
Two iambs of Himalayan powdered yeti berry - the blessing Buddha's tincture liminal,
And dimpled to marvel..

A flamingo's flamenco of nutmeg tornadoes spruce glimmering lanterns a moon-night-lit dream;
The sandalwood scented rosewater sprinkling brazenly piggy backs iridescent like a giggling dancing temple girl -
Erotic yet timorous, fully tipped escarpments, secluded, forbidden, almost verboten,
rubs moistened olive butter-fingers along her edges..
Example, see here and here..

For me,
The almost baroque basenote architecture of this poppadom incarnation is where the real surprise of this truly blissful installation excoriates the tongue-lashing to orgas mesmerically:
Toasted sesame bugle-slivers imprint a miasma masala engineering;
A llama scrutiny silhouettes perpendicularising the strobes paprika, lime, and clove.
Tresses-dimini slips headlong inside the mezzanine.

Moving onto her nervous system's textual descriptors shimmering this boutique-level executive poppadom -
Observe the ambient hounds-tooth stitching - ships along the borderline - contrasting a yoghurt culture with a peachening shell filigree of coral cinnamon..
And if I may cheekily interrupt myself, this tickles my pickle every single time.

The heartland of this poppadom jamboree, geographically at least, habituates the middle shaman chakra bilinguals:
Lightly sunset tones, minute jade speckles, dappled peppercorns atomise the spirals-in-spirals
bohemian racy radish hymn to itself.

The flipside, ditto with minimal counterpoint-occasions,
Shifted by a light frosting of roasted almond submarine-dapples dazzling this fierce panda of a poppadom concerto's mangrove, Fernando.

I heartily recommend this poppadom for fifty pence sterling, fully inclusive of VAT and service charge.

*Poppadum can also be spelt papadum or pappadum!

One Day I Ate A Vegetarian Prawn

One day I ate a vegetarian prawn
I know it was vegetarian
Because all prawns are vegetarian
In fact they are all so vegetarian
They don't even eat vegetables
And you can't get much more vegetarian than that
For a prawn

One day I ate a vegetarian prawn
I think it was a Tuesday
Although I don't recall which Tuesday it was
No wait
I do
It was the very Tuesday
The very Tuesday that I ate a vegetarian prawn

One day I ate a vegetarian prawn
It was quite warm
But not as warm as the prawn
I'm a Sagittarian
And this vegetarian prawn had never eaten a vegetarian
So I asked myself why did it call itself a vegetarian prawn

One day I ate a vegetarian prawn
Thankfully it didn't taste of vegetarians
Unless vegetarians taste of prawns
Vegetarian prawns

One day I ate a vegetarian prawn
But on another day I didn't
I do not know what this proves
No wait
I do
It proves that one day I ate a vegetarian prawn
But on the other day..
Oh this is getting so complicated

One day I ate a vegetarian prawn
While doing yoga
I never knew vegetarian prawns could do yoga
I said to the prawn
I never knew vegetarian prawns could do yoga
Neither did I she said
I'm a vegan prawn
I only eat carnivores
They don't taste of vegetarians
Prawn vegetarian prawns

April Fools' Poem