You Say Oprah

She asked me if I like opera,
I replied, I prefer post rock ambient electronica.
No! she shrieked, I mean Op-rah, not opera!
You know, the world's biggest celebrity of America?
Op-rah who? I enquired
Oprah who? OPRAH! OPRAH Winfrey?!
Oh. Pee. Arrhh. Ehh. Aitch. Oprah!
Wow, you really think
when people say Oprah, they actually mean..op-e-ra?
Well, it was nice meeting you..
So umm..I must be going..
She waved her arm around the mezzanine lounge,
Taking in the other waiting omega male dating clowns.

I nodded,
Her eyes scored me nought,
The bartender offered me a vodka,
And a double-take thought:
That has to be the speediest speed-date thumbs down
I've ever seen in this town,
Well at least she will remember you now.

Seconds out,
And it was time to meet another speed datee;
I asked her if she likes Oprah,
She said she did and asked the same of me,
Oh, I said (smarter now) I prefer re-runs of Gerry Springer.
She jumped off the bar stool - another pull of the trigger,
And the bartender poured me a triple..

Safety Deposit Boxes In The Sky

safety deposit boxes in the sky
must i
safety deposit boxes in the sky
wish i could live the life in a safety deposit box in the sky
a capital flight commodity
a ghost of spaceships float satellite moscows and beijings
qatar to our city rich kids
wall to ceiling ceilings hang ceiling to ceiling floors
i shall set my controls for the heart of this rabbit hole
the dead cat bounce on the rock and roll
yeah i'm sold..

The Aliens' Roswell Conspiracy Theory Is Better Than Yours

Some aliens believe that the so-called Roswell crash
was fake.
So fake!
Fake, because, for one, their flying saucers are not capable of crashing,
and for two, because there is no intelligent life on earth!
Or even stupid life,
Or even really really stupid life,
Although some disagree,
And say that a little really really dreary stupid life might exist there.
But please don't quote me on that,
As I heard all this while having an out-of-body experience,
Like you do.
I had no poems to write that lunch break.

And as I floated above their planet,
(Actually I was in one of their bars),
I heard the alien conspiracists surmise:
How could our transcendental space cadets be taken by earth's military
when earth has no military?
Have you ever seen a earthling saucer leave orbit? Exactly!
Those rocket things are only photographic anomalies!
How can something shaped like a rocket even fly?
They aren't even round or oblong or triangle!
Sheesh..do I need to go on?
They smoked back another psychedelic octopus chaser,
While checking out the groovy penguin dancers rocking the HoloYacht magic carpets.
Yeah baby!

One alien conspiracist continued,
..so look closely at the so-called Roswell crash images,
Don't they all look so suspiciously staged,
Our military-abduction complex at it again,
Convincing us that intelligent life on that stupid planet exists,
All to steal my and your triffid credits -
All for their non-existent stupid trips.
Listen, none of our dolphins were even in that crashed saucer,
I bet they got plastic surgery and are living the high life in Arcturus;
Our emperor found out so got the laser in one of her two heads,
Front and to the right, front and to the right.
Ozwoz Zarvey was the patsy on the Platinum Hill,
Yet, the Xowzer was fired from the incarnation repository -
Snagg Ruby was their well-connected shill!

Earth: empty, barren, ugly,
With a poisonous atmosphere.
Those photos of pyramids,
Are just weathered rocks and shadows.
Now you tell me, how can anything live in an atmosphere of poisonous nitrogen?
How can any flowers grow without Helium 3, and diamond rain?
Didn't you go to science class Two Brains!?
You've been smoking too many of those drinks my orange haired friend.

What's more, the gravity on earth would flatten life like a pancake.
The oceans are full of weird blue water.
And there's not enough methane.
Now what in the name of our Goddess can live in water?
Not one plasma lake in sight!
And not one place on that godforsaken rock can escape
it's violent blinding moonlight.

Yeah, yeah we've read the reports:
Beings live there who have only one head (one head!) who can talk!
Animals with four legs that horizontally walk. Lol!
Give. Us. A. Break.

And get yourself an education before it's too late.

Wow check out that penguin on the left,
Ain't she gorgeous?
Man how I'd love to have hamsters with her..

Happy New Year!

2016 was ushered in with the most apt and vivid juxtaposition - a firework display right next to a burning high rise building..


Anyway, may I wish you all a safe year ahead, and thank you all again for your continued support.


Take it easy,


Cheers!
Suki

Nailed On The River Styx

Some glide, some slide,
And some couples list from both sides,
Energy drink fugue fried,
Glow worms on boards swiftly unglued by the night,
A babbling brook of dreaming lips steam-open the frazzled,
And closed circuit dollies shall frack their eyes.

Glittering indigo swans card shuffle the dawn
slim-line nascent functioning forms;
The store fronts' knee-deep teardrop lights
glow with the reckoning:
Inkling herds concussed with ultraviolet kisses,
The neon wash of cobalt, fuchsia, oyster and saffron hues,
Their shopping bags which shimmer
withhold intelligent tags resounding with personal news to lose..

Earphones wash the tumbling ice rink sonics of youth -
The white noise smeared illusions,
Fancifully duct taped with lip-read truths:
Cinnamon fairy tales of moon/June travails and trampled over glamour;
The vapouriser aspirations paint a palate of crowbar colours.
Defunct holy grails mist in laser guided vapour trails -
This planet's constellations of hurt sailed,
And embers stoke and smoke desires and wishes,
Burning,
The burned burn those bridges..

With purpose, the legions parched return their unwanted gifts,
Spilt back inside their glass plastic sense,
I'll be good for your gold, perhaps,
if you'll allow a cash refund for this myrrh and frankincense..

Duty Of Care - Extreme Combat

Staff Notice

Dear all
Please take this refresher advice as a friendly reminder
Of our protocol for calling in sick
Which is 

In the first instance call the shift supervisor
Inform them why you are unable to attend your shift
Be as clear as possible
The more information the better
We don't need to hear a blues lyric
Only the truth
This information will of course remain confidential
And will only be passed on
to the internal interested parties and relevant stake holders
As deemed appropriate

In addition to calling the shift supervisor
Please call the assistant manager on duty
Or leave a message with the manager
If the assistant manager isn't on duty
However
Please note
If the manager is not in
Please do not leave a message on their answer phone
This is no longer acceptable
In point of fact it never ever was
Instead speak to the senior manager on duty
This is all part of our Duty of Care
To ensure we are able to do all we can
To encourage and assist with your well being
The assistant manager has been informed to escalate this chain accordingly

Please note that if you are adamant to call in unwell for your shift
We may call you at home
This is only to check on the progress of your recovery
This too is part of our Duty of Care
We may be able to offer you assistance and advice
On how you might be able to attend a later shift on the same day
Affording you the opportunity to perform lighter duties
As part of our
Duty of Care

If you still insist on being unwell for the whole day
Please on your return fill in the Return to Work form
And bring it to a shift supervisor
Who will book a Back to Work Interview appointment with you
With your immediate line manager
Where you will be offered the opportunity to discuss your absence
With them
A member of occupational health might also attend
Should it be deemed appropriate
And of course a human resources adviser
Will be informed should there be any issues arising
That require a more tailored intervention and monitoring
This is all part of our Duty of Care

Please also bring your notes of your day's sickness
To your next six month review
This is to help you refresh your memory
Of your sickness
And we may discuss and go over the relevant factors
This should take no more than half an hour
This is all part of our Duty of Care to you
While you remain an employee

I Broke The Office Paper Shredder The Day Before Yesterday

i broke the office paper shredder the day before yesterday
and needless to say
the cruel word has spread around the office town
i broke the office paper shredder
i arrived to work yesterday
and there was an awkward tea point silence
nothing was said you understand
but there was that definite vibe
similar to one of those who jammed the photocopier vibes
you know the drill
precisely like a more bloody episode of the wire

i opened an email
did you break the office paper shredder
did you inform anyone
it took us nearly thirty five minutes to fix it..so i'm guessing that means it took them up to thirty four minutes
..it took us nearly thirty five minutes to fix it
also you must have folded the paper in half before shredding
why
please respond asap
we never thought you would be capable of doing something so..
 
i responded guilty
i'm guilty and i'm sorry
i didn't know i jammed it
i'm sure the paper went through
and i never folded it either
or if i did it was an oversight
it wasn't on purpose
it's not like i'm some kind of terrorist
oh we'll be the judge of that
will you please step outside..
now as i have a day off today
i shall only find out tomorrow night whether
this case will be escalated
to the hr herbal tea bag jihadis
perhaps i should get the union involved
perhaps i should ask for a priest of my denomination
i'm in trouble
no doubt about it
it's karma isn't it
i will be reincarnated as a jammed sheet of shredded paper
and this poem won't help
it might make things even worse
as if they can get any worse
lord krishna please forgive me
i'll work on opening my third eye from tomorrow
i promise
i'll even work on opening my eyelids

i broke the office paper shredder
it lay broken  for nearly thirty five minutes
i received an email
i could see that all the important management people were also copied in
i'm gonna bleed
i'm wondering now
while on my day off today
who they have also 
forwarded and cc'd and bcc'd
no doubt you too will soon receive that email
loaded with coded comments not so veiled
i must take ownership of my sin
perhaps save myself from being thrown head down
in the man's recycle bin
it's morning but i need a drink

i broke the office paper shredder
it lay broken for nearly thirty five minutes
they knew it was me
because they looked inside the shredder
yes they actually looked inside the shredder
and they recognised that particular brand of coloured paper
that we use only for the committee rooms
and they knew i would have been the one to shred those sheets
there's no point in denying it either
they might have already checked the cctvit must gone down all csi
they must have taken prints dna ultraviolet
and as i live in the uk
i can't take the fifth or plea bargain
or drive to mexico
or become a guy stripper in vegas
where will it end
is this what i have worked for
is all this dust meant to only turn to
dust
the office gossipers have me in their twerking grips
those smirking smug ninja pixies
their dead eyes swinging from their hips...


on a positive note
although i'm a middle aged man
is this breaking the office paper shredder
that lay broken for nearly thirty five minutes remember
my rock star moment
will the office ladies see me now as that edgy guy
hey look it's that guy the he broke the office paper shredder guy
i just wanna rip my clothes off
i just don't care
a man like that loses control for a reason
he's probably misunderstood
he probably writes really deep poetry
or does something even worse than that
he has that tortured million mile stare and everything
and to think
i always just used to walk right past him
when will i learn
when will i learn..

Freedom Fries

this poem is dedicated to all the victims of the recent paris attacks
and as we all eat our freedom fries
at concerts and sporting events
let us salute their flag

this poem is dedicated to all the victims of the recent paris attacks
facebook and google have painted themselves tricolour
for a few hours

this poem is dedicated to all the victims of the recent paris attacks
we are all french now
they are so much like us
now
and for the next few soundbite moments

this poem is dedicated to all the victims of the recent paris attacks
but this poem is not dedicated to the more recent victims of the mali attacks
to be honest i don't even know what their flag looks like
do you
no concerts
no silence at football matches
no candles
no special facebook button
no reporters overcome with emotion

this poem is dedicated to the victims of the recent paris attacks
but not the victims of boko haram
or the yazidi communities wiped out by the salafists of saudi arabia
considering everything would it not make a whole more sense if we sung the saudi national anthem
we are all saudi now
not houthi
or doctors tortured in bahrain

this poem is dedicated to the victims of the recent paris attacks
not the people we and our allies ourselves daisy bombed to bits in iraq afghanistan yemen or libya
like those patients and medics slaughtered in a hospital a few weeks ago with american friendly fire
no anthem for them
no shimmering candles
no earnest entertainers
just a sorry we will try not to do it yet again
again
there may be a cheque after due diligence if you make no trouble and go away
no tears for you
no way
because this means war

this poem is dedicated to the victims of the recent paris attacks
but not the two thousand who died last year in gaza
the five hundred and fifty one children
no songs or poems for them
we were never all palestinian then
no minutes silence for nairobi
we were never kenyan at football matches
the few dozen in lebanon also murdered last week
mentioned on the news
in brief
after the sports
before the weather
yet i don't remember any of our politicians turning lebanese

this poem is dedicated to all the victims of the recent paris attacks
and as we all eat our freedom fries
at concerts and sporting events
let us salute their flag
but probably not the next's

Wordless Whisper

language the poor cover tune for pure thought
words the tune the words toys
language a poor substitute for the music
the wordless music wordless
the music is the light the stark freedom sheer
the words are at best only as good as the words

gold fire lifts the linking stars to your skin
alighting the stations through your eyes
your lashes like distant cranes drop molten tears igniting
my rivers of nights 

rush to your palace rising
rest in the shade of the pinnacle
my wash of mind has soaked a thousand torched dreams
whose visions only ash under the cold menace of all the cruel machinery
gift me forgive the fateful hour and proof
i am another awol prodigal son
i return with your one-way ticket to burn
how abysmal we give our lives in the spilt and spilling water of eyes stroking hours
yet one day this whisper offered the eternal second's bliss
without warning and in a flash
here the is
a trillionth of the grain of the wordless

A Stranger Holds Your Hand

A stranger holds your hand
Grips it tightly
They are just holding on
to your hand
They don't want anything from you
The stranger doesn't want to hurt you
The stranger is giving something to you
And you most likely won't see them again

Free Drugs

If you say no to drugs
Pretend you've said yes
That way you can blame the drugs
If you've made a bit of a mess

I Am Component

I am component
I am a
part

A clicking clinking trinket
A sliver of light in another rolled up wave

I live night in
Inside in
I deliver human
humanish

I clutch the strings that bind
If they loosen I'm my skin unnatural on my bone
The only way I feel at home is when I place my earphones on
Wherever I place my earphones that's my home
There's no place like earphones

I fell as the component
I once believed I only need to imagine
And there together we'd celebrate our strangeness

Now integrated slaves
Even though strays
Here's a cv
Baptised with the water from in-ashtrays
The stare of nothing
I pace

Sanguine so hopeless
This twenty-first century
The charmed epoch of aloneness
At least when I blush I'm on my own
I have this affect on alcohol
There's no place like earphones
Hear yourself fall
And flash by a reflecting android
He's still got his earphones on
He's still got his earphones on