How I Defeated A Buy-To-Let Landlord

Oh I didn't
I didn't defeat a buy-to-let landlord
Not one so much as once

Yet
Lo
I have this poem
So we can call it a draw

I didn't defeat a buy-to-let landlord
Not so much as once so..

So I have this poem
A low-fi kind of poetry Lo
For a lo-fi kind of draw

Now indulge me for moments and ponder this
If every poet were able to defeat buy-to-let landlords
Where would poetry be
Nowhere near poetry

With quality kitchen units of Atlantian crystal
Colour coded en-suite lapis lazuli bathrooms
A delightful cacophony of blue hue iridescence
Studded rhinestones blaze
Amaze the child-minders

And what about.. 

A heart-shaped swimming pool with Icelandic steam sauna 

A triple-aspect air-conditioned jade balcony towering above 

your cavernous multi-level sprawling basement 

Such subterranea-fracking de-rigueur
                                                     in Kensington and Chelsea

Italian marble decking for the dodo birdcage..

Luxury Persian carpets and cats 

Luxury cats 

Their fur 

Like satin Venusian clouds 

The textured weave of orchids' gossamer petals 

Shimmery Arctic summer
Oenomel nectar dewy

Subdued chandeliers lightly dot the mezzanine 

Tear drop spotlights hang
                              outside your offspring's garden ziggurat 

Quartz snooker table 

Conch-shaped rabbit hutches 

Elgin Marbles 
Koh-i-Noor 
Faberge

Well you must know where I am going with this 

You surely must 

As some of you have known me through poetry since 2009 

International soul-minds now meshed
                                                                 intricately aligned
                                                                        oftentimes

Seven years is longer than most buy-to-let tenancies 

Indeed longer than most intimate relationships  

Most jobs most friendships 

Most government inquiries 

Most 

Syrian children's lifespans.. 

2009  

There will never quite be another 

Unless a new messiah arrives 

Then we will have another 2009 

2010 years after he is crucified
  

Crucified by the media this time 
That is unless the new messiah is media-manufactured 

A media-manufactured messiah 

Won't be crucified 

Certainly not by the media 

Until the appointed time and hour.. 

Then shall be 

And we will join in the deeming

Because we won't want to feel outside of things 

As we are social animals

One manifestation of the social animal in the early 21st century 

Chickens and eggs atavism
Gonzo tabula rasa
The shapeless mandate 
The flesh-on-pixel drones lock-and-load
             copulate
                         the hand-me-down copy-and-paste


We throw the stones 

As the quarrymen blast rocks from thrones

The ghostly reflections of the unchosen

Rippling fall
Often opaque outside our glassed-in knolls

He turns water into wine 

So encourages irresponsible drinking 

He gives away free loaves of bread 

Knowing carbohydrates trigger obesity 

He forgives all sinners
But will he cure their diabetes

He is politically correct gone mad 

He hangs out with a prostitute 

So I ask you 

What more needs to be said 

                                            The feminist

And 2009 years' or so ago 

There would have been a poet 

Musing similarly

Holding a quill wearing a toga 

Although I have no idea  how a quill is able to wear a toga 

One of those lost arts

                                       did I just spill my poem inside your champagne.. 

A poet living in affordable opulence 

Would look around themselves askance 

And muse 

I really must let go of this childish versifying thing 

It no longer seems.. 
                          It no longer seems...

Leaning there 

Against your quartz snooker table 

Poetry not very fitting 

For a distinguished human being  

Of your economically elevated status and bearing 

Once in a lifetime..

 My God what have I done..* 

                                                                                     
Lo 

Buy-to-let landlords 

This is my poem dedicated to you 

And 

To whatever religion or spirituality you belong 

An infinite shower of blessings 

You are the divine unicorn incarnate 
You stoke us wild with creativity

               The embittered poets sated 
                           Such as me myself and me 

You embody and personify the rarest nobility 

You are both spiritual and religious And that must not be easy

Buy-to-let landlords 

You really humble this poet  

              with your sure-footed power shower benefaction action
      

Buy-to-let landlords 

You only rip us off to inspire 

You are all from head-to-toe soaked drenched 

Stumbling out the bedazzled dairy
The very dairy of human kindness 

The very goats 

The very camels 

The very cows..

Milk 

Asses milk
Old Testament asses milk 

The best kind 

The only kind.. 

Forget high street asses milk 

This asses milk puts high street asses milk in the shade 

Asses don't make asses milk like they used to 

Although their goats milk 

is perfectly reasonable
   

Honey dew melons 

Fig trees 

Baby dolphins squeak splashing inside their pools
Your Emperor penguins playfully frolick 

                inside your walk-in fridge/freezers

Buy-to-let landlords 

Your property ours for an unreasonable fee 

And perhaps more unreasonably 

I encourage you all to please charge ever more unreasonably 

For it would inspire us poets more I'm sure 

Although I concede that's only me being greedy
Greedy for your gifts of melancholy 
And yes
For this greed 
This strange gluttony

I feel ashamed

Buy-to-let landlords
Forgive me..    

 

* "Once in a Lifetime" by Talking Heads

Swipe Left, Swipe Right

The screen is your mirror
The mirror entwining with backlit light
..but I do look alright don't I..
Swipe left swipe right
Grin like your NHS dentist
Going private

So spin your bottled grin
Pull in your body temple chin
Try not to scream out the smile
Touch up your image to beautify
Swipe left swipe right
The dating site I Ching never lies

Stranded second-hand man
Sand-bagged woman
Upload the walrus virtual-mate-call
Unchain your very soul trickling down so draining
The self-stalking charisma catwalk

Catalogue and chart all the speed-bump strangers

Blurring together surging melting apart

Fellow stakeholders strike through the heart
No need to talk
This in toto rejection is the silent talking part

Swipe left and left
Swipe left and right
Job pre-interview your face unglued
Woo the hive mind revue through you
The kangaroo court of love's landmined Xanadu

Codify Cupid's clues
Deep fried in collapsed swooning queues
Zero-in to-do rendevous
Loop-the-loop Waterloo
Swipe face blue
Swipe face blue

Dial S for Selfie
Where the machine guns are eyes
Arm the perfumed trench militias visually infanticised
Now crayon vividity
Your product placement profile
Crucify them
Get crucified

Swipe
And just swipe
Amanuensis-pipe your Hollywood script
Be a time traveller resending past timeline hits
Buzz saw romanticise truth's treeline to bits

Swipe another left
Swipe another left
Gulp down another carafe of still on the shelf
Hell is another selfie
searching for the self
Hell is another selfie
searching for some selfie else

Log in
Log out
Walk about
Log in
Log out
Run in
Run out

At last
Ding dong
Ding ding dong
It's what you're waiting for
Bang the mojo gong
You know that special someone's waiting
Pacing around outside your door
Heart racing
Oh it's your pizza
It's here
Well I bet this feels like war

And while you contemplate love's cruel lore
Know even vegetarians now mainline
the meat market for the time poor

And as you sluice the last isotopes of untrue Tuscan goo
Speed-drool prime real estate of the human zoo tattoo
Some sultry
Some elusive
Some forlorn
Some bemused
Some sporting stoned cheesy grins
Some clutch skiis by the pyramids
Some point to themselves an it's me
this me it's me
So is it time again to order more fast Tuscan MSG

Others stoked
As horny as goats
Some shoving their tongue down their lense's throat
They need your phone vote
For their fantasy porn panto
Introductions served with a light salad
At a delightful dungeon restaurant tomorrow
Will that be a no-show

Swipe left left
Swipe left right
So what's your status of like
Imagineer your algorithmic fate
Is it hexed
What will you say next
What films will you claim you best
Where do you see yourself in a year's time
What's your greatest weakness
apart from drinking too much wine
What skills do you bring to this plate of pine nut pasta
Is victory now when your date is not a complete disaster
When Amour's Titanic hits only icebergs of falling plaster

Swipe left and sigh
Swipe right it's okay you can cry
Wipe out another dating night
Do you realise
As your head was down
You walked past this possible love of your life
How wistfully they gazed
As your downturned face
glazed at the gorilla glass maze
Be amazed they aren't on a dating site
And be yet more amazed they might be right
Their stars and yours do align
Yet alas never now to be in the same cute timeline

Yet unusually
Dating sites always covet the loves of their life
Because we will click them today
And probably
                    tomorrow night
Swiping away left
Swiping away right
Cuddles for our dating apps and sites
Together how we look so nice
So made for each other
It must be fate right

Pyramid App

Tony Blair
AKA a former playgirl mate of Islamic State
Do you recall
For a while
He thought their God great
Back in the day
Before she was reassigned..

Isis
Anciently
Egyptian goddess of magic and fertility
Sent to dispatch AQ's macho hegemony
After AQ post 2006
Strangely lost touch with their
softer child-bearing sensibilities..

Paradise sprayed and diced
Isis splayed and spliced
Units shape-shift
The engineered dream futurism
Wherein slides a more limber ghost rider
For a more nihilist and franchised Antichrist..

Isis
Never named so called Isis
Always only Isis
The derivation quite precise
Isis before crisis
Very compass/square concise
Nice

All not told
The intelligence allegedly faulty
Now thrice
So old
And Tony welcomes any inquiry
Cut a price
Reset the precept
Then reanimate
The West's pyramid app device

So which Mother Earth goddess will be cross-dressed next time
Mayan Indian Celtic Gnostic
Orionic
To lead the next wave deliverance
of Saudi Salafi outreach misogynists

Overwrite
Rewrite
Reunite
Underwrite
Trans underwear
Reignite
Expedite
Then smite
Never sparing an inch of cordite
The new newest improvedist Isis
Now distinctly with Baal irides

Don't doubt the meteorite strike shall pillion ride
Feedback loop Sacrifice
With more devastation
Reaping lives
Landfill for bonfires

The Vast Asterism Dawn

Yet close
Yet not
Nursing only the mirage
Threading through the veiled horizon

Or release
The lifting
The reveal
A beauty insane

The first spark
Igniting the internal jet ruby
Imparting the call answer
Sweeping up all my nights' rivers
Washing away stones carelessly thrown
Rivulets melt time frozen reshowing

let go let go

Drops
Drops flung
The infinite ocean a drop
One drop oceans
No embrace
To leave not a trace
Not one trace
Talk about tough love

Somewhere in this
I glimpse
Between despair and revelation
The present
The beyond
The vast asterism dawn
Where the zero
Is something different

In Gentrificationland

a bowl of muesli for under four pounds    (*)
a small cup of slow faux java for under three    (**)
a slice of pizza                                    
don't say nietzsche
seven pounds
inclusive of a fat free complimentary radish dip  (***)

welcome to gentrificationland  (****)
all this could be yours
if you earn a minimum
of sixty three thousand four hundred and fifty (*****)


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(*)   prices correct at April 2016   [i](**)  slim slice pizza with one olive topping scheme   [ii]
(***)  fair traded french radish with organic aspertame cream   [iii]   (****) gentrificationland is a trademark of killtrees plc    [iv]  (*****) obviously no public sector employees   [v]

• [i] muesli annual yield investments 14%  {a}
• [ii] transinterstellar creative poodles welcome in yoga tent  {b}
• [iii] subject to continued eu membership entitlement  {c}
• [iv] killtrees plc are quality providers of concrete nourishment  {d}
• [v]  exigent due diligence {e}

{a} equal to or more than tofu spam  (¬) {b} all yoga postions copywrite of dharma-in-a-can (``)
{c} we support the free radish peasants of europe app (^) {d} we tap carbon emissions of trees we zap (+~)
{e} we reserve the right to ethically scam (#=)

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