I Broke The Office Paper Shredder The Day Before Yesterday

i broke the office paper shredder the day before yesterday
and needless to say
the cruel word has spread around the office town
i broke the office paper shredder
i arrived to work yesterday
and there was an awkward tea point silence
nothing was said you understand
but there was that definite vibe
similar to one of those who jammed the photocopier vibes
you know the drill
precisely like a more bloody episode of the wire

i opened an email
did you break the office paper shredder
did you inform anyone
it took us nearly thirty five minutes to fix it..so i'm guessing that means it took them up to thirty four minutes
..it took us nearly thirty five minutes to fix it
also you must have folded the paper in half before shredding
why
please respond asap
we never thought you would be capable of doing something so..
 
i responded guilty
i'm guilty and i'm sorry
i didn't know i jammed it
i'm sure the paper went through
and i never folded it either
or if i did it was an oversight
it wasn't on purpose
it's not like i'm some kind of terrorist
oh we'll be the judge of that
will you please step outside..
now as i have a day off today
i shall only find out tomorrow night whether
this case will be escalated
to the hr herbal tea bag jihadis
perhaps i should get the union involved
perhaps i should ask for a priest of my denomination
i'm in trouble
no doubt about it
it's karma isn't it
i will be reincarnated as a jammed sheet of shredded paper
and this poem won't help
it might make things even worse
as if they can get any worse
lord krishna please forgive me
i'll work on opening my third eye from tomorrow
i promise
i'll even work on opening my eyelids

i broke the office paper shredder
it lay broken  for nearly thirty five minutes
i received an email
i could see that all the important management people were also copied in
i'm gonna bleed
i'm wondering now
while on my day off today
who they have also 
forwarded and cc'd and bcc'd
no doubt you too will soon receive that email
loaded with coded comments not so veiled
i must take ownership of my sin
perhaps save myself from being thrown head down
in the man's recycle bin
it's morning but i need a drink

i broke the office paper shredder
it lay broken for nearly thirty five minutes
they knew it was me
because they looked inside the shredder
yes they actually looked inside the shredder
and they recognised that particular brand of coloured paper
that we use only for the committee rooms
and they knew i would have been the one to shred those sheets
there's no point in denying it either
they might have already checked the cctvit must gone down all csi
they must have taken prints dna ultraviolet
and as i live in the uk
i can't take the fifth or plea bargain
or drive to mexico
or become a guy stripper in vegas
where will it end
is this what i have worked for
is all this dust meant to only turn to
dust
the office gossipers have me in their twerking grips
those smirking smug ninja pixies
their dead eyes swinging from their hips...


on a positive note
although i'm a middle aged man
is this breaking the office paper shredder
that lay broken for nearly thirty five minutes remember
my rock star moment
will the office ladies see me now as that edgy guy
hey look it's that guy the he broke the office paper shredder guy
i just wanna rip my clothes off
i just don't care
a man like that loses control for a reason
he's probably misunderstood
he probably writes really deep poetry
or does something even worse than that
he has that tortured million mile stare and everything
and to think
i always just used to walk right past him
when will i learn
when will i learn..

Freedom Fries

this poem is dedicated to all the victims of the recent paris attacks
and as we all eat our freedom fries
at concerts and sporting events
let us salute their flag

this poem is dedicated to all the victims of the recent paris attacks
facebook and google have painted themselves tricolour
for a few hours

this poem is dedicated to all the victims of the recent paris attacks
we are all french now
they are so much like us
now
and for the next few soundbite moments

this poem is dedicated to all the victims of the recent paris attacks
but this poem is not dedicated to the more recent victims of the mali attacks
to be honest i don't even know what their flag looks like
do you
no concerts
no silence at football matches
no candles
no special facebook button
no reporters overcome with emotion

this poem is dedicated to the victims of the recent paris attacks
but not the victims of boko haram
or the yazidi communities wiped out by the salafists of saudi arabia
considering everything would it not make a whole more sense if we sung the saudi national anthem
we are all saudi now
not houthi
or doctors tortured in bahrain

this poem is dedicated to the victims of the recent paris attacks
not the people we and our allies ourselves daisy bombed to bits in iraq afghanistan yemen or libya
like those patients and medics slaughtered in a hospital a few weeks ago with american friendly fire
no anthem for them
no shimmering candles
no earnest entertainers
just a sorry we will try not to do it yet again
again
there may be a cheque after due diligence if you make no trouble and go away
no tears for you
no way
because this means war

this poem is dedicated to the victims of the recent paris attacks
but not the two thousand who died last year in gaza
the five hundred and fifty one children
no songs or poems for them
we were never all palestinian then
no minutes silence for nairobi
we were never kenyan at football matches
the few dozen in lebanon also murdered last week
mentioned on the news
in brief
after the sports
before the weather
yet i don't remember any of our politicians turning lebanese

this poem is dedicated to all the victims of the recent paris attacks
and as we all eat our freedom fries
at concerts and sporting events
let us salute their flag
but probably not the next's

Wordless Whisper

language the poor cover tune for pure thought
words the tune the words toys
language a poor substitute for the music
the wordless music wordless
the music is the light the stark freedom sheer
the words are at best only as good as the words

gold fire lifts the linking stars to your skin
alighting the stations through your eyes
your lashes like distant cranes drop molten tears igniting
my rivers of nights 

rush to your palace rising
rest in the shade of the pinnacle
my wash of mind has soaked a thousand torched dreams
whose visions only ash under the cold menace of all the cruel machinery
gift me forgive the fateful hour and proof
i am another awol prodigal son
i return with your one-way ticket to burn
how abysmal we give our lives in the spilt and spilling water of eyes stroking hours
yet one day this whisper offered the eternal second's bliss
without warning and in a flash
here the is
a trillionth of the grain of the wordless

A Stranger Holds Your Hand

A stranger holds your hand
Grips it tightly
They are just holding on
to your hand
They don't want anything from you
The stranger doesn't want to hurt you
The stranger is giving something to you
And you most likely won't see them again

Free Drugs

If you say no to drugs
Pretend you've said yes
That way you can blame the drugs
If you've made a bit of a mess

I Am Component

I am component
I am a
part

A clicking clinking trinket
A sliver of light in another rolled up wave

I live night in
Inside in
I deliver human
humanish

I clutch the strings that bind
If they loosen I'm my skin unnatural on my bone
The only way I feel at home is when I place my earphones on
Wherever I place my earphones that's my home
There's no place like earphones

I fell as the component
I once believed I only need to imagine
And there together we'd celebrate our strangeness

Now integrated slaves
Even though strays
Here's a cv
Baptised with the water from in-ashtrays
The stare of nothing
I pace

Sanguine so hopeless
This twenty-first century
The charmed epoch of aloneness
At least when I blush I'm on my own
I have this affect on alcohol
There's no place like earphones
Hear yourself fall
And flash by a reflecting android
He's still got his earphones on
He's still got his earphones on

Fearporn Orgasmatron

Enmesh your head with the End Game practitioners
As they crack open the codices of Saturn's cube vicars
Where there are shills
Are trolls
Mainstream lickers who answer the call
Hollywood stars flipping the masonic steeple
Showbiz is showbiz for ugly people
The debunkers wear plaid for an downside-up crown
Name-calling to snare the ghouls with a frown
So put on your helmet and wave your pom poms
You've just entered the Fearporn Orgasmatron

                                                                                    ON it's on as it's always on

Fearporn Orgasmatron
Where every day some new apocalypse wriggling is born
The Mayans just got the date wrong
Monument Six
Or six six six
The mark of the beast
Celebrities scratching an itch
A sacrifice
A witch hunt
Or the breakdown of a hoaxathon
Crisis actors' marathon with firecracker-perforated ear drums
There are the stills
There's the fake blood
There's an exclusive
To bubble-boil and simmer the rolling funding
So really who are the brave
Choose wisely the subversive thoughts that might form
Ever so tricky an assignment even outside the Fearporn Orgasmatron

You show me your Planet X
I raise you my Fukushima
You show me the chemtrails like a dance of diffusing feather boas
Undulating rainbow hues inject a strontium sky
The strange orbs that form
The planes with reflective paint dye
And if this conspiracy is a lie
Then which lie is The Lie
Subscribe share
Lock your door
Have three years of water
And prayer
Or
Pray and wait
My personal apocalypse brand might be late
It takes time to fate that perfect storm
Such are the dream-drains drop-shipping limpid sink holes
Fearporn Orgasmatron

                                                                                    always on always it's always ON
Fearporn Orgasmatron
Where everyone's either a racist or a politically-correct liberal moron
A misogynist or a feminazi
A true patriot or a treacherous fifth-columnist
Subtlety and shade
Complexity and minds changed
The science here is horny impotent rage
If they disagree they are simply wrong
My truth is the only truth inside the Fearporn Orgasmatron

                                                                                      you too can always be ON         go on
Contrails with their boots on
Predictive programming verses the confirmation bias riddle
Angels or Lucifer or the NWO neoconNeos itchy with the boot-up trigger
Is it written in your scriptures
Or subliminally hidden in the pictures
Is it in the barcodes
Or slipped inside Scanners
                                     These pixels
Is it the NSA Isis or Mossad
I'll go to the right channel
With a damp towel of fevered cucumbers wrapped tightly around my head
I am the messiah of my matrix
A lone wolf correctly attired inside my crystal shed
I'm better off dead than dead
I think lots of thoughts as deep as this
My Zen of Said
Hear my words
Then batten down the hatches
I am Alpha and Omega and Zeta Reticuli
Please think of funding me
I am broke for meds
But how I shall help you stakeholders see..

ii) Cute Kittens and Genocide

Fearporn Orgasmatron
It's a child who has just uploaded her cute kitten playing the piano
                                                                       then strumming a toy banjo..
Well don't we all need a sprinkle of levity
A little light relief
Laughter is a wonderful thing
Let's read the humorous children's comments beneath
Blindfolded
It starts off with the supportive mum's comment LOL
But the thread intellectually compromises itself a full two replies later
When the other responsible adults join to play
        Here's the first debater
the Chinese eat kittens I knew a waiter
STFU you probably eat cows comes a quickfire riposte
reply you STFU if it wasn't for us you'd be speaking German
    reply I am German
              reply prove it
            reply Troll
                          reply  troll

And so on it goes..

                                   reply the Chinese occupy Tibet so They are the worst genocidal maniacs of all time
And They eat dogs worse Israel bombz Palestine
                                                               reply  you stfu really what about the British empirabsolutely millionsdied churchill and the Bengal famine look it up some time
                                                                        reply   wdum stfu?!?

                                                                                   reply  sixty million native Americans
                                                                              Now that's a proper atrocity LOL..
                                     reply LOL!!
                                                                                 reply STFU
                                                                                                               reply  LOL
                                                                           and
The confused seven-year-old girl has just written
                                                                           Asking
                                                                                         Get ready for this                                                                                                         reply  What do think of my kitten?

Well
From the mouths of children..

I think I need a wash
I think I need to cry
I'll climb the blue walls that try for the bleeding sky
I think I need to watch a shopping channel
A place of gentle humanity
Where attractive middle-aged presenters sell lifetime-guarantee bargain Christmas trees
                                                                                                       It must be January

But you know what it's like
Once you learn how to be the zen rabbit in your chosen headlights
..Swivel salute selfie salivate swivel

It's the kill-shot coronal mass ejection
It's a fundamentalist's hate erection
Or it's a god-atheist mild paedophilia hectoring tweet thing
Who has had a go at Catholics previously
There's the magic of interweb binary irony
It's a Prison Planet and Firmament thing
It's a flat earth NASA shell game
It's school girls selling anorexia
It's a suicidal survivalist praying for an apocalypse
That never seems to arrive
it must be a test of faith i must reread between the lines
                                          i'm not worrying three will probably come along at the same time
                                                                                                         in numerological design

It's another false flag
It's another grooming Channel Jihad
It's yet another celebrity leak
See how she wants it so bad
It's another former actor on crack
It's an alien attack
It's seven seconds of an ad
Seven seconds you will never get back
I can count the astronauts' bubbles
As upside-down they hang like..
                                              Well like upside-down hanging bats
                                                         Hmmm
So what do I think about that..Six amazing things you never knew lobsters could do
One perfect trick for getting killer abs for your genitalia
Eighteen reasons why Katie Perry is really a vampire slayer
Fourteen more unprovable facts about Tupac
The Queen is a lizard
                          yeah you knew thatOPINION PIECE ******* ********* Ate My Penguin and Why I forgave him
 For we are all sinners.....

comment
     It's political correctness gone mad....The greens only care about penguins because some are half-black so why don't they say anything about the half-white ones!!?!
no I thought so..so not surprised you liberalz havn't replyed back..

                                                                         On oN ON

Fearporn Orgasmatron
The accidents of intelligence of the human species on race
The transhumanist agenda is a sleeper cell hidden coiled inside my toothpaste
Cortana is scary there's no getting away
Bill Gates' vaccines
Abbotabad and the CIA
Bin laden thrown into an ocean
My tin foil hat is floating in the waves
Of fluoride and aspartame and face palms
God save Jeremy Corbyn
He has to see the queen
I'm going to eBay Jerusalem

Fearporn Orgasmatron
A kaleidoscope of id-visionary
A cocktail stick of diamond
Pizza and energy drink
The night breathes deserting air
Wanderers stalking for the lost to lead
Hope in the believing subscriber
The white screen noise the word and screed
And every comedian you've never heard of
No fear of an ad hominum planet
The outlier mainstream love-in
The spin of yin and yang
Cern's answer to the big bang
Nostradamus' never never go to Geneva
And if we're still here revise the time and place
Fearporn Orgasmatron is kind that way
Another upload another timeline
It's another day

Fearporn Orgasmatron
Tepco Melting Starfish Time (TMST)
Locusts dropping bread
Did you just call my favourite follower a dickhead
Here's another unboxing of the cult of Apple
The gravity of sponsored newtonian-like propaganda
NULL
It's the push of marketing pull
And alas another misguided child a criminal
Or stabbed glassed
For a fistful of plastic that tags you
And talking about the price tag
Swish army knife
Just do it and get life
Fearporn Orgasmatron
Quantum metadata viral nanobot persondoms and forms
Consume shall eat itself
Window shoppers left like abandoned muses deafened by the screaming shelf..

Fearporn Orgasmatron
           It's always on
It's the fun of the everything like thought matters
                                          Edgar Allen Poe bungie jumping with crows
                       Wounded on Google Maps
         Spam of Manga

             Ping pong balls bounce inside the empty submarine
                         The next serial killer shall share a dismal dream
         His unrequited Reality quenched drips ice 
The next serial killer shall share some life
          A selfie within some guns
  Another lone gunman who lived like a nun
               The middle west or the middle east
                        Get a piece ~ peace
                ..he always kept himself to himself
     he never hurt a fly until he...
                         he must have had a screw loose..
                              if only the priest had had a gun..
                                   it's a second amendment issue..

Drill and arm your mind to the teeth
                                               Roll right along and weave your patterns And waves and waves
                                                                                                   The slipstreams of pain
                                                                   Purple Haze Methane rising shall Save
                                                                      surroundsoundmachineslaves
           Burning the midnight lamp inside any number of Mystery Trains

15 Years After I Had Sex With A Palanput

15 years after I had sex with a palanput
Even if I say so myself
That's a great title for a poem isn't it
A real world-beater
It was there floating confetti-like in the poetry ether
And I grabbed onto it like a panther
15 years after I had sex with a palanput

15 years after I had sex with a palanput
Poetry titles like this only come once a blue moon
I went online to search palanput
And nothing returned
I caught a made-up word
Well how about that
15 years after I had sex with a palanput

15 years after I had sex with a palanput
14 years doesn't sound right
16 years seems too distant
15 years after I had sex with a palanput
Was it in a plant pot
Palanput/plant pot
John Lennon would have been proud of that one

15 years after I had sex with a palanput
Will poetry readers palanput up with this
It will either be a big hit or a big miss
15 years after I had sex with a palanput
This might be the most original poetry title I shall ever write
Now the boring bit
Thoughts words lines

 

The Moment's Sight

Everything lost lost again
A sculptur embraces a melting snowman
Everything lost lost again
That fleeting glimpse locks the moment’s sight
That terrible second or so

Everything lost lost again
Embers ash underline the emptied lines
Everything lost lost again
Where time unhinges so cruelly a random reminder
There
A threadful of nothing to seam

Everything lost lost again
A small paragraph for you there spoken in volumes
Everything lost lost again
A pristine photograph framed in a dark room
The wordless secret laughed by spies

No melodrama but my inside-to-fade
A swedish TV detective frozen
Holding on to a pebble
Standing in the sift and waves

There
I’m not even sure that was you

Radiohead's New Album: Gainful Employment in a Philistine World - Song Titles and Artwork

11 penguins inside your pillow

diffi cult c ard tric  k

minimax

antibiotics for everyone  !

                                       in my                                  toothpaste

                  a
                    stra
                          phobia

thank you for reporting a fake troll

hoax majure

g
  l
   i
     mmer
                                            trampoline casino

                   xylophones and
 frankincense

stud farm moon landing/nodding dog drone

strychnine lopped hedgerows

                                                                                 i am the stickman (song for brent)

 radiohead


           gainful employment in a philistine world

Mind That Child

Mind that child
Which child
The Baby On Board child in the back of my car
How do you wish me to mind them
Drive carefully
My child is in the back of my car
Should I knock over the other children
Yes
That would be helpful
The school I wish my child to attend is over-subscribed
Don't quote me
The nuns

Unfortunately I don't have a driving licence
So I cannot drive a car
It would be against the law
So I'm not allowed to knock over the other children
It's probably in the highway code

Well I wish you had said that in the beginning
Are you a psychopath or something

Post Rock Song Titles That Probably Don't Exist But Probably Should (A List Poem, Part 1)

Fish to the Sound of Neptune
Synonymous Acropolis
Falling Off Crystals
Purgatory Daffodil in Musk
Gemini Gerbil
Livid Contract Negotiations in a Quarry
Eyewash for my Snowflakes
As Her Hand Grips the Atom Smasher I Run into an Exploding Volcano
Screaming at Triangles
Song with Insufficient Form
I LOve Her Like Zero Loves INfinity
Your God Hates Mirrors
Uncomfortable Guitar Shapes
Khartoum Lap Dancer
The Tip of Time in a Blade of Glass

I Broke the Internet
Helped by People Living on Stranger Worlds
Your Ectoplasm, My Face
The Nuclear Fission of Nuns is Present
I Fell in Love with a Forbidden Archaeologist but She Fell in Love with an Exo-EgyptologistThe Hindu Goddess of the Delay Pedal Drinks Rose Milk

Granny Farm Stage 3 (Fat Chance)
She Points to Orion as this Earth Melts
The Sound of Ten Thousand Ears
Filament/Bingo Atrocity
Brand New Cardigan for My Fata Morgana
My Ears See My Eyes Listen
Revenge of the Vegan Lobsters
Corn Circle Bottleneck Blues
Six Seconds of Silence for Two Minutes
In Praise (of British Dentists)
Shoot those Asterisks at my Heart
Effects Affect Effects
Ultraterrestrials in Devon
If Goldfish Played Guitar

Liminal Turpentine
I Smoke Chemtrails
Is That Supposed To Mean Something?
She's a Blow-up Sheep (but She Loves You)
Tell Me About My Childhood
Forms of Boredom at Prayer
89% of a Ming Vase
Lozenge Picnic in an Elephant Graveyard
Bill Oddie Accidentally Killed My Badger Part 2 (Extended Version)

Tulip Abuse on the Web (Shills on the Seashore)
Ununpentium (A Tribute To Bob Lazar)
Unpronounceable and Single
Pituitary Argonaut
NasaAstroturf/The Moon is a Flat Earth

Magenta Apollinaire
O
Glue Mermaids on Sax
Acoustic Feedback at Cern
My Soul is in Kilos
12:32 Sonic Integer
No Aspartame, No Crime
Smoke Signals for a Predictive Programmer Apocalypse
Sink Holes of Helsinki
Infinity Plus One Equals Zero Minus Time Squared
Yoga 4 Yetis
Chords Across the Rubicon
Killer Cheerleaders Never Die
Petal Crush Smoothie
Gandhi and Buddha Smash up a Hotel Room with a Candy Floss Light Saber
Of Neon
Mad Cow Rodeo (Who Stole the Sports Tyres from my UFO?)

etcetera..


*If any of these titles are real please let me know; I don't want to get sued for copywrite infringement

**No offence to post rock bands who hate being categorised as such; it seems to upset them 

***Examples of the genre: GSYBE, Sigor Ros, Mogwai, Explosions in the Sky, Beta Band, Cheryl Cole..