Nuisance Rain

Does your weather forecaster predict nuisance rain for you?

Have no fear,
Just pour some of this shampoo and conditioner,
Over your dull, lifeless clouds,
And your nuisance rain,
Will have a new healthy bounce and shine.


Love Or Happiness?

Some wish for love,
Others wish for happiness,
A few wish for both.

Love and Happiness?
At the same time?
Now that's just being greedy.

Eighteenth Draft

Well,
This really is it then,
At last - done.
This is The One.

Eighteen,
Eighteen drafts!
Eighteen?
Yes, eighteen,
Eighteen.

You wouldn't think it would you?


Ner-Ner (Part One)

"Jeremy Clarkson - God, he's the wittiest man alive,"
Stated the delightful dad-rock beer-gut,
He went on,
"He tells it how it is,
Never holds back,
Really socks it to those namby-pamby,
Politically correct, numpty Bambi shaggers -

Nanny state do-gooders,

Them environmentalists - bastards,
Mentalists more like, eh,
Yeah," (he agreed with himself),
"He really let's them have it in the neck,
And he's just so hilarious,
So funny as well,
Isn't he?
Isn't he?!"

I nodded.

Ner-Ner (Part 2)

Later,
To atone,
And for some light-relief,
I poured the entire contents,
Of a Tabasco Sauce bottle -
(That new extra-hot one),
Onto my little fellow -
(If you know what I mean).

I can't say that this,
Unorthodox method,
Of pain-relief worked,
But I suppose -
Given the circumstances,
It was worth a try.

Ner-Ner Ner-Ner,
Went the racing ambulance,
"Oh my head -
Both of them",
Went I.

Ner-Ner Ner-Ner

Inter-Faith

God. God.
God? God?
God, like this: God. God. I said God..
..Yes. And I say God. As in The God, pronounced "God". And I too..

God. God.
Ah, I know how difficult this is for you. Oh dear.
We must understand each other. Reach across this dangerous divide.
Yes. Yes.
So, listen: God. God?
Almost. Almost. Almost?
Almost, but not,
.... God God?
Again! God.. You're not listening I said God. Why are you getting angry?
Okay, love is all that we have here,
Let's remember that.

Okay. Again.
God. Oh, you mean, God, not..God? But..
In a word. In a word, hmm. Your opinion.
Let's try this again, agreed? Alright. Agreed.
Two, three, four..God. God.
Look, I was afraid this would happen. You're just afraid.
You're so.. I'm so..what..?
No. I'm sorry. Can we stop this dialogue now. Dialogue!
We seem..
This is why there are wars.. Yes! And isn't that a shame?
Yes, so why wont you.. Why wont I.. what?

Marshmallows

These marshmallows have not been scanned,
They may hold small atomic devices inside,
You look alright to me though,
And seeing as it's Christmastime,
I'll allow you through,
Next time, mind..

Text Message For The January Sales

I want to send this text message to you now,
But I'm waiting for the January sales,
Hopefully then the postage stamps will be cheaper.

I'll post my text message to you first class,
My phone will be in a white padded envelope,
With my name and address on the back of my phone,
So you know where to return your reply.

Massive Apology Live And Direct Outside The Big Gates Of A Really Big House

First,
Above first,
I must apologise to God,
Obviously,
That goes without saying.

And,
My fans,

But,
Firstly, (after God, obviously) my wife -
Especially my beautiful wife.
For,
To her,
My wildest and deepest sorrow goes,
And,
Then,
After God and my wife,
I must prostrate myself earnestly before,
Everyone else who knows me,
Who may now feel truly betrayed and disappointed,
At my appalling and unconscionable behaviour,
Especially -as I said - my beautiful wife.
Why does she put up with this?
She's an Angel,
And I will always stand by her,
Please don't judge her,
For she is my wife..

And after God, and then my astonishing wife,
And then those that know me,
I would also like to gastronomicallyapologise,
In a one word, not two, kind of way,
To,
Everyone else who doesn't know me,
And, ironically,
Now that they know,
That they don't want to know me,
Because of all the lurid headlines,
Written about my shameful life,
This past week,
I hope that they will continue,
To not want to know me,
But for all the right reasons,
And for none of the wrong ones,
If you see what I mean..

May I also express to all of you here today,
My colossal remorse,
At all my intimate infractions,
My romantic transgressions,
Moist, pulsating,
And evil,
As they were,
On reflection,
I realise now,
And - more to the point - you should realise too,
Were nothing more than moments of madness,
All sixteen of them - all moments of madness.
That you must all forget about.
Because?
Because,
No one and nothing compares to the fragrant beauty of my wife,
How could they:
The supermodels, lap dancers and waitresses,
How could they compare,
To my beautiful wife of forest fern fragrances?
My wife - not yours - who is so very beautiful,
And fragrant,
And astonishing,
And timeless,
Like a clock with no hands,
Made in Stonehenge:
Classical and insurmountable.

So what was I thinking:
The supermodels, the lap dancers, the waitresses?
No idea.

My sordid drug habits over this past week,
Have also - quite rightly in my opinion - been exposed,
For the pure, decadent and shameful filth it is -
In particular,
My love of hallucinogenics.
And while it's true,
The trips I had on them,
Were amazing,
And the visions I experienced there,
Opened up my mind,
To new, exciting and magical spheres of unicorn-riding reality,
And gifted me the inspiration,
For what I consider to be my greatest creations -
To be released early next year -
Well, that doesn't make it right.
What was I thinking?
Again,
I've no idea,
No idea..

I would also like to apologise for the tax evasion,

And that fraud thing too..

So,
To sum up,
I think it would be fair to say,
That I've behaved quite badly,
This week,
But I promise you all,
That I plan to make a fresh start,
And I promise,
Sincerely promise,
That I will really behave myself next week,
And be really good.

Honest.

But, I can't lie:
I'm not sure how I'll do,
The week after that,
But I'll do my best..

Ironic Bumblebee

How ironic:
A bumblebee,
Has fallen onto my toast!

Maybe tomorrow,
A cow will trip over my teapot!

I wonder,
Will the MPs' gravy train,
Ever shed its load,
By the parliamentary chip shop?

Welcome To The Transcendental Elephant

Welcome to The Transcendental Elephant,
So if I can just read your order back to you all,
Clockwise round the table :

Mushroom masala with saffron rice,
Cucumber raita,
Two lentil samosas with mint and coriander dip, yeah?

And you'd like:
Moong daal,
With the aubergine thing, number twenty-seven,
That's nice that - had some earlier,
And two naan.
Okay, thanks.

And you'd like:
Chips, peas, very English jam roly-poly,
And two poppodums? Is that right?
Uh yes,
The poppodums are good today sir,
Very fresh: straight from the fields,
..And?
And a mineral water.
No problem sir.

And madam?
You'd like to have the transcendental cosmic consciousness platter,
That's number fifty? Yeah,
Um..with a complete obliteration of self,
With Hindu yogic flying past life Ayurvedic regression therapy?
Anything else?
A pistachio kulfi,
And..
Twelve lagers.
No problem..
Sorry?
You think you may have been a yeti,
In your previous life?
Oh well done madam.
May I ask,
Would you like your lagers before or after you have obliterated your selfish ego?
What do I recommend?
To be honest,
I think,
If you think,
You may have been a yeti in your previous life,
You're half way there already,
But I have witnessed some of our more spiritual customers,
After they've had a few lagers,
Connect with the universe,
Sometimes very successfully.
So it's up to you really.

Okay then.

Well thank you all for your order,
It should be with you in no more than ten or so minutes,
So until then,
Please help yourselves to the complimentary Bombay mix,
And my psychic transference of good karma energy to you all,

And thank you again for visiting The Transcendental Elephant.

Any Minute Now

Any minute now,
She cannot help but fall in love with me again,
And,
I will have to gently turn her away.
Any minute now.

Any minute now,
She will text me,
"We really need to talk",
And for a fair while I will not reply.
Any minute now.

Any minute now,
She will confess her new relationship isn't rating ,
Then ask do I have another girlfriend.
Any minute now.

Honestly.

I know women.

Any minute now..

Pretty Nascent

Over there,
Many people are killed,
Being killed,
By surgical strikes.

I suppose that,
In a True Democracy,
The right to strike,
Is an absolute right,
And,
A given,
I suppose,
In a True Democracy.

But over there?
There, the democracies,
Are pretty nascent,
Aren't they?

So I do hope,
These surgeons,
Call their strikes off soon.
Doesn't it contradict their Hippocratic Oath,
Or something?

Maybe our surgical strikers,
Over there,
Have gone a bit,
I dunno,
..Militant?

[redacted poem]

For reasons of national security,
This poem,
Has been redacted.

Please move on,
There's nothing to see here.

Please move on.


NOTICE FROM HM GOVERNMENT INFORMATION SERVICES
Protecting you from your need to know
Saving us from ourselves l

Ldstdh Ooaaee

I've had to eat my own words,
I stuffed them in some humble pie.
Quite nice actually.

So-called own-grown words,
Taste much fuller-bodied,
Juicier,
And flow sweeter off the tongue,
Than words sold on supermarket shelves;
Although I've been told
the new M&S range of organic Tuscan words is,
Truly,
Bellissimo!

Most supermarket words sold - even free-range,
Contain preservatives,
And E numbers,
So every time you consume a word,
Such as,
"Mermaid",
You have to consume its E number,
Such as,
E218.
Munch munch "mermiad", munch munch "E218",
See what I mean?
Hope that makes sense.

Eating other people's words,
Can be more than a little disconcerting too,
Don't you think?
Always leaves me with a feeling of,
Dislocation,
And bewilderment,
Eating other people's words.

I know it's always lovely,
On romantic occasions,
To devour words succulent,
Plucked like harpoons from our surrogate lips.

And I have to share with you,
This one amazing time,
When I ate the words chanted,
From a Siberian shaman trance,
Incredible!
Intensely smokey and nutty they were,
With a hint of pine.
Had some quite amazing dreams afterwards too!
I'll tell you about them sometime,
Only if you're interested though!
I can imagine listening to someone else
wax lyrical about their shamanic-word-dreams,
Is, well, probably an acquired taste.
But if you ever have the chance,
To inebriate yourself on Siberian shamanic trance words,
Please try,
And I promise,
You wont regret it.
Just make sure you don't drive afterwards!

When I ate my own words,
Marinated in pieces of my own humble pie,
I saved a piece for you,
And in case you are curious of the words,
I prepared earlier for my filling,
Here they are:
Glitzlivibro,
Twimmillee,
Llibamliwah,
Uv wxyz (pronounce uv wicksis),
Pambymint,
Defanee,
Kooroiaa,
Duparyas patimi.

Bet you can't buy those in the supermarket!

P.
.S
:
If any Siberian shaman are reading this,
And recognise any of these words as your own,
Please accept my apologies.
And a humble ldstdh ooaaee to you!

Orchids

First,
I'm going for an orchid transfusion,
Then, perhaps a soul-trepanation later this afternoon;
Not visited my soul-trepanner for two years now,
Probably why then,
My seepings are now squirting,
Deep-blue brain dew!

The orchid transfusion is my top priority,
It's a "must have" for all the tender men these days,
And anyway,
Why shouldn't we replace our blood with liquidised orchids,
So our hearts pump plasma of jade?

Pasteurised,
Liquidised,
Orchids.
No need eau de toilette anymore,
As orchidised-man smells naturally,
Of this strangely aphrodisiac flower,
Women so adore.
(Even more than daffodils I'm told.)

So I'll venture out to chop some wood,
Beneath London's belting Malteser-melting heat,
Thus,
When a delectable chick wanders innocently by,
She may sniff my furrowed,
And flowery,
(Yet extraordinarily manly),
Pheromones,
And Swoon her sighs.

Or..
She may intuit,
I'm perhaps,
A tad,
A-bark,
Earnestly chopping down fences,
Of a municipal park,

And triangulate,
A floating,
Away..

The Sacred Beauty Of Love And The Sacred Love Of Beauty Explained

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