A Labour Leadership Contest Candidate Reaches Out

conference
i've been a member for as long as i can remember
i've always believed in things recently..

we've had that traumatic election result
where we were all but wiped out in scotland and even london
they sent us a message
and the message they sent us was this..

..is that we need to stay in the centre
and this we need to remember
now and forever
the scots of the north wanted us to stay in the centre
and the zero-hours people of east and south london
and we let them all down

principles are reasonably necessary at least some of the time
principles though don't..
don't put secretaries on the table
don't put us in those positions..

the hard-working families
not the scroungers

the hard working families
not the scroungers
i can't say that enough

justice and fairness need to be balanced against financial constraints of the real world
we must have some justice and fairness
yes
but too much and we could end up..

fairness only makes sense if you have some unfairness
justice only happens when you have injustice
so we need some unfairness and injustice
but only moderate unfairness and injustice
that's the new third way
you could call it a fourth third way
the new new labour way
if you vote for me
i pledge i will try and deliver that pledge not a promise
a pledge that together we will
fight for uh..

and let's hear it for the hard-working families
not the scroungers
i'm surprised i haven't said that already..
 
we need to defend our country against threats
that's why i promise
the only promise i will make to you conference
that come hell or high water
i will waste no more that one hundred billion pounds on trident
and if more than one hundred billion pounds is wasted i will be very cross indeed
that's the kind of tough-talking labour leader i will be
prudent with your money
i will try to waste no more than one hundred billion pounds on trident
remember we still live in a post-austerity austerity society
that will be with us an eternity
a cruel world of uncaged disbelief requires someone like me
to be sensible with your trident money..

at this point i would like to reach out to uh
the demographic hard-working families
not the scroungers
 
yes people like houses
i like houses too
they're great
some people live in houses
i would like more people to live in those houses
but we need to defend ourselves first
and then we can have people in houses
people need to feel secure in houses
and the best way of doing that
is to spend one hundred billion pounds
but not a penny more
on trident
not houses

may i mention at this point
the hard-working families
not the scroungers

imagine if you will
that the economy is a gateau
you know one of those german not french ones
a black forest gateau
with cream on the top and a chocolate base
and some sprinkled icing on the sides
nice isn't it?
well no it isn't
because if you sit on that gateau
and i mean that not in the literal sense
but by squashing it
the cream in the gateau squirts out the side doesn't it?
well we need to promise that to the electorate
we need to present ourselves as trustworthy with that black forest gateau cake..

conference i promise to you this
that i will not squirt your cream out of your cake dish
not even literally
i will not sit on that cake
because that is your cream
and your cake
i will put that cake in the fridge
and it won't be a german fridge
it will be a british fridge
but a british fridge that celebrates
this is 
this is the vision that i see
conference i am the new credible authentic alternative
to the other candidates for leadership
that say similar things to me..

and please let's hear it for
the hard-working families
not the scroungers..