Utopia, Incoming (The Correct Deployment Of Fluffy Towels 101)

 

First Aid At Work 2027
Scenario Test Question 9 Of 11

percy patel works in accounts by the fourth turning of the third floor
his desk sits by the east-side emergency fire exit stairwell *
you are his designated first aider..

+percy delightedly informs you that his waters are about to break
  he has gone into labour..

you only have a first aid box and a high-viz tabard
what do you do..

Best Practice Answer

firstly you would inform security/reception/or your other designated contact
to call for an ambulance immediately
your designated contact should already have been made aware
that percy is with child and expecting shortly..

and so that paramedics can be escorted directly to him
clearly identify the floor and desk number/location of percy..
..
then take four clean **fluffy towels from the person-cabinet
and put on your high-viz tabard..

how to embrace and relate..
do not be afraid to dig down deep to your unfathomable depths 
breathe deeply and lilt to a falsetto
ecstatically exclaim
make way and celebrate
make way and celebrate
stop all work
percy patel is breaking water
percy patel is having a his-baby
you may wave your arms high in the air uplifted
be in your own presence
but be careful not to accidentally punch anyone in the face=..

reassure percy that an ambulance has been sent for
and paramedics should arrive very soon..

what if percy is sweating..
you must only gently mop his fevered brow 
with the specialised moistened wipes provided
because so-called fluffy towels might scratch his skin #..

then comb both of his eyebrows in an upwardly direction
and away from the eyes..

to allow percy privacy
ask nearby staff members to please stand away and make space
dignity is power..

deploy the aloe vera testicle-guard and operate gently
watch out for stubborn pubic hair recoil..

designate a trusted colleague to fetch the backside-defibrillator
then open the first aid box for the conductive serum sachet
then to mitiagte the compressed clenched tension
squirt on your trained massage-hand generous dollops
by caressing and rubbing his backside cheeks tenderly until soft and shiny
backside cheeks should burnish like ancient bronze
see illustration..

carefully place on a non-flammable surface
a lit essential lavender oil candle
there should be one safety lighter
and one lavender oil candle provided in your first aid box..
..
to protect dignity
at two increments of thirty-three degrees
his maternity skirt should be lifted up respectfully
it might help to imagine lifting a wedding dress veil..

ensure that his gum shield is firmly fixed
and manufactured with british-standard rubber..

then and only then take the paddles of the backside-defibrillator
shout stand back
administer two shocks
wait thirty seconds
and only if the baby does not begin to appear
administer two more shocks
continue until the paramedics arrive..

 to catch the baby "
 unfold the vacuum-pack bamboo bucket
 and hold one metre above the backside
 use the purple measuring tape provided..

  only utilise this purposed bamboo bucket
  plastic buckets are bad for the environment
  but even worse for the head of the jettisoned his-baby...++

should the his-baby begin to appear
do hold and support its head
do not pull its ears
do encourage the birthist to scream and safely be in his own moment
exploring the range of sounds he can make with his vocal tract unleashing
essentially generating and pouring out all his tenderest emotional expressions..

observe primal vowels twisting and turning
rising and elongating
and fusing with abrupt yet spirited interludes of silence
ask a trained colleague to help time the silences
see chart..

footnotes

 *never ask a pregnant man-person breaking water to run down the stairs
  always use a wheelchair and lift if available 
  knees and shins should firmly rest on the chair seat
  backside raised proud and high toward the lift doors
  any false teeth should be gently removed
  allow the paramedics to lead..

+make a mental note of anyone refusing joy
  inform
  feel empowered..

= (insert name) is having a his-baby..
   percy patel is used only as example 
   so if the delighted man-person is named bob smith
   you would not ecstatically exclaim
   make way and celebrate
   percy patel is having a his-baby
   you would ecstatically exclaim
   make way and celebrate
   bob smith is having a his-baby..

   fun question
   what would you ecstatically exclaim
   if bob smith is in a relationship with percy patel
   whose his-baby would he be having
   see notes for correct protocol..
   ..
** remember just because a fluffy towel may look soft and fluffy
   does not mean it is soft and fluffy..

# fluffy towels are only to be deployed to protect privacy and dignity..

" be careful not to drop the his-baby
   it is not a marrow or a man-size baby melon..

 ++ fun fact
        a his-baby will fly out at speed
        often exceeding 7km/h..