Should The Magistrate Go Straight To A Potato

 

surprising even herself she coyely confessed 
this is the first time i have ever seen someone do that with a potato
colour me impressed
and i cannot believe i am about to admit 
i want to try it out for myself
i desire to do it now right now 
right now
i feel a pressing urge
but i have to go to the supermarket first
for needs must..

then she stopped dead in her tracks and enquired
…but what kind of potato can do that
i mean is there a difference between a king edward and..
what about organic
it sounds silly but should i first talk to it
or rub it gently like a genie a lamp
i am a married woman so i will not stroke it
i just cannot bring myself to do something like that
not yet..

she giggled
of course i am only joking
i jest
i am not really married..

i just cannot bring myself to stroke a potato
maybe one day yes
but not just yet
i need to upgrade my potato-rubbing skill-set first
take it slowly and deliberatively step by step
yes i feel a bit of a lemon
at school i never took potato-rubbing classes for lemons..
she giggled again..

ah lemons..
and what about lemons
should i train with lemons first
or because lemons are different to potatoes
somewhat like apples are to oranges
lemons are not potatoes i think i mean..

or is it more like comparing daffodils with puffins
or is comparing lemons to potatoes
with apples to oranges
with daffodils to puffins
as silly as comparing or even contrasting the yeti
to a merengue to the loch ness monster
i hope that makes sense..
she said apologetically..

but what if the loch ness monster is a baby boomer
a baby boomer loch nes monster
who still owns a hostess trolley and a working fondue set
or am i now being very silly
this is so unlike me
honestly this is so unbelievably unlike me
i am still a magistrate
i need to remind myself that i am still a magistrate
in a medium-size town with ungodly dark edges..

and correct me if i am wrong
but a fondue set cannot make a merengue
or can it
should it
i really should know this..
she admonished herself..

she rubbed her own chin thoughtfully then pressed on
in other words
would even rubbing a lemon help me with a potato
and although i have never stroked a daffodil or a puffin
just supposing i had
just supposing i had stroked a daffodil or a puffin
or even only lightly rubbed one discreetly at arms-length
could i then go straight to a potato
or would the lemon thing still be best to start off with..

so to recap from rubbing to stroking
should i rub a daffodil then a puffin then a lemon then a potato
or should i go straight to the potato without touching a lemon
i underline
rubbing not stroking
please understand
i have my limits..

also i must ask
what kind of lemons are most like potatoes
and as importantly
what kind of lemons are least like potatoes
for example
i have eaten lemon-flavoured potatoes
but yet to have even once had a potato-flavoured lemon
do potato-flavoured lemons even exist in our world
she gazed to the heavens for a sensible answer
well maybe in russia..

she pondered
my goodness this has become so involved and so confusing
if you had told me only this morning
that i would be talking earnestly with you
about potatoes puffins lemons and daffodils and loch ness monsters
yetis fondue sets hostess trolleys baby boomers and meringues
i probably would never have believed you..

but perhaps..
but perhaps as you seem like such a decent gentleman
i probably would have
nothing is simple is it
but there it is
life is always so full of surprises
and i a middle age woman
who in one particularly memorable and carefree teenage year
enjoyed the stone roses storm their delightful signature set at wigan pier..