Papadum Sommelier Redux

Inside Indian bleeding edge vegetarian Restaurant Go! Transcendental Yeti Goddess
Attractive couple at table reading menu. Intimate, chilled, sophisticated vibe, subdued lighting and candlelight. Indian ambient jazz music gently waft over everyone..

Elegantly dressed man walks up to a couple's table. This is Shashi, Papadum Sommelier extraordinaire..

Shashi: Good evening, my name is Shashi, your papadum sommelier for this evening. Would you like to order?

Man: Oh yes, thank you. We're impressed with your extensive papadum list I have to say. I haven't even tried most of these.

Shashi: Sir, thank you. I can confidently argue that our papadum list is the finest in Shoreditch. All our papadums are hand-made, especially flown in from India and Nepal especially for our London Shoreditch clients.

Woman: Do you have a papadum special?

Shashi: We do. Today's papadum is "Mumbai Platinum". I'll fetch one for you if you would like a tasting..

Woman: Oh that would be lovely.

Shashi leaves to collect a "Mumbai Platinum" papadum.

Woman: gorgeous restaurant darling.

Man: Thank you. It comes highly recommended. If you haven't eaten a papadum here, they say, you haven't eaten a papadum anywhere..in Shoreditch.

Woman: Oh darling, you think of everything.

Shashi returns pushing a tray table on wheels. On top of the tray is a covered dish. Shashi puts on some white gloves and carefully pulls back the dish cover, and voila! we see the Mumbai Platinum papadum sparkling on its silver plate. Shashi then very carefully picks up the Mumbai Platinum papadum, and holds it before the couple, showing one side of the papadum, then the other..

Man: That's lovely.

Woman: It's very pretty isn't it?

Shashi: The Mumbai Platinum is a light papadum, indeed so light its calories are in minus figures. You practically lose weight eating these. By the end of this evening you'll be floating.

Couple laugh.

Shashi: The top notes of Mumbai..are distilled fenugreek over atomised saffron bay leaf, with a dimpled cumin aftertaste, very very for the palate. The middle notes reflect its linear counterpoint - simply, pink cardamom with a sheer coral turmeric powdering. The flip side of the Mumbai Platinum lies puffed parcel occlusion centering liminal cucumber peppercorns at her base. One whole organic peppercorn utilised per papadum... All our papadums are organically grown and fair trade..

Man: That's good to hear..Yes I'd like a tasting. And darling?

Woman: Yes, let's try.

Shashi takes the papadum lists from the couple, handing it to another staff member. Shashi then places the Mumbai Platinum papadum very delicately back on its dish, then places the dish with the same care onto their table. He then pulls from his pocket an ornate and very small golden hammer. Shashi holds the hammer a few centimetres above the papadum and closes his eyes, seemingly in intense meditative concentration. The hammer hits the Mumbai Platinum papadum, and the papadum cracks. The couple applaud, indeed the whole restaurant politely applaud. Shashi shyly acknowledges, then takes a sliver of papadum and puts one each on the couple's plates.
Shashi then offers them a strange-looking small spoon.

Shashi: Madam, sir, here are your papadum scoop spoons.

With the spoon the couple take the sliver from the plate, smiling, delighted. The couple eat their sample. Both look ecstatic as the flavours and tastes roll around their tongue.

Man: This is just delightful. We'll have one!

Woman: Darling, let's have two!

Man: Why not. Let's go crazy! Yes, we'll have two papadums!

Shashi: Great choice sir, madam!

A Labour Leadership Contest Candidate Reaches Out

conference
i've been a member for as long as i can remember
i've always believed in things recently..

we've had that traumatic election result
where we were all but wiped out in scotland and even london
they sent us a message
and the message they sent us was this..

..is that we need to stay in the centre
and this we need to remember
now and forever
the scots of the north wanted us to stay in the centre
and the zero-hours people of east and south london
and we let them all down

principles are reasonably necessary at least some of the time
principles though don't..
don't put secretaries on the table
don't put us in those positions..

the hard-working families
not the scroungers

the hard working families
not the scroungers
i can't say that enough

justice and fairness need to be balanced against financial constraints of the real world
we must have some justice and fairness
yes
but too much and we could end up..

fairness only makes sense if you have some unfairness
justice only happens when you have injustice
so we need some unfairness and injustice
but only moderate unfairness and injustice
that's the new third way
you could call it a fourth third way
the new new labour way
if you vote for me
i pledge i will try and deliver that pledge not a promise
a pledge that together we will
fight for uh..

and let's hear it for the hard-working families
not the scroungers
i'm surprised i haven't said that already..
 
we need to defend our country against threats
that's why i promise
the only promise i will make to you conference
that come hell or high water
i will waste no more that one hundred billion pounds on trident
and if more than one hundred billion pounds is wasted i will be very cross indeed
that's the kind of tough-talking labour leader i will be
prudent with your money
i will try to waste no more than one hundred billion pounds on trident
remember we still live in a post-austerity austerity society
that will be with us an eternity
a cruel world of uncaged disbelief requires someone like me
to be sensible with your trident money..

at this point i would like to reach out to uh
the demographic hard-working families
not the scroungers
 
yes people like houses
i like houses too
they're great
some people live in houses
i would like more people to live in those houses
but we need to defend ourselves first
and then we can have people in houses
people need to feel secure in houses
and the best way of doing that
is to spend one hundred billion pounds
but not a penny more
on trident
not houses

may i mention at this point
the hard-working families
not the scroungers

imagine if you will
that the economy is a gateau
you know one of those german not french ones
a black forest gateau
with cream on the top and a chocolate base
and some sprinkled icing on the sides
nice isn't it?
well no it isn't
because if you sit on that gateau
and i mean that not in the literal sense
but by squashing it
the cream in the gateau squirts out the side doesn't it?
well we need to promise that to the electorate
we need to present ourselves as trustworthy with that black forest gateau cake..

conference i promise to you this
that i will not squirt your cream out of your cake dish
not even literally
i will not sit on that cake
because that is your cream
and your cake
i will put that cake in the fridge
and it won't be a german fridge
it will be a british fridge
but a british fridge that celebrates
this is 
this is the vision that i see
conference i am the new credible authentic alternative
to the other candidates for leadership
that say similar things to me..

and please let's hear it for
the hard-working families
not the scroungers..

Bigotry Inc.

Bigotry Inc.

We are Bigotry Inc
Bigotry is an Equal Opportunities Employer
Whatever your religion
Whatever your creed
Whatever your politics
Whatever your class or caste or clan
Whatever your flag waving spam
Whatever your skin colour
Whatever your so called truth and facts and historical spin
Bigotry Inc welcomes you in
Wilful Ignorance here is very much not a sin
Every lie gets laid and gets in
Selective amnesia is Dream

Bigotry Inc is an Equal Opportunities Employer
We positively welcome all your demons and shills and belittlers and destroyers
We recognise that all groups and sub cultures and sects
Have as much right to celebrate their hate and prejudice and fear
As any other
It is all cleared

Different demagogues for different demographics
Bigotry Inc is flexible and plastic
Bigotry Inc prefers the measures drastic
The mobs the vigilantes the prophets of the anti
The ones who need to save us from the outsiders of ourselves
Where the moral high ground lead down to the gates of hell
Where the slippery slope is our wishing well
Where the silken sheath hides the noose man's rope
Where every fist has its blessing pope
Where every god will anoint the righteous
Follow the promised land to burning tyres
Where oil kisses fire
Where music grapples piano wire
The scent of blood desired

Every group has its day
Some more than others we have to say
But that's okay
Because in every system there's an overlord that owns
Every village has buried bones
Every culture sticks and stones
Beliefs cloned
Finessed and forged anew
Hello and goodbye you and you and you
Adieu

Bigotry Inc resends the unbroken spell
Appropriately reviewed for the different ages and epochs and eras
Forge the burning speakers
Stoke the cheer leaders
Ready the tears and save the cut and paste hysteria
We at Bigotry Inc will always be here
No fear
Smell the fever
Drink the beer

We at Bigotry Inc
Have been the most successful organisation since man crawled out a fish
We have always gifted the entitlement to stomp and twist
We at Bigotry Inc
Love all bigotry
No hate is too big or too small
None too ridiculous
No superstition too superstitious
All maliciousness is just delicious
All hateful fictions build our empires nutritious
Bigotry Inc is felicitous to earth's multi-variant piss artists

We are the human race
We are every night fable of every face
You have the right to hate
As do those you call they
And so do they
It's funny it slays us too
Come on in
And join the fun
Don't analyse or empathise
There's enough bigotry here for everyone

We at Bigotry Inc are always ahead of the curve
We know how to operate the myths' reflexive nerve
With verve
To project and serve
We are the lines that light the words that burn
And guarantee we never learn

If Wordsworth Suffered From Hay Fever

I wandered lonely as a cloud
But started sneezing so went back home..

 

The Goddess Of The Clickbait

she'll say something bad
because she's the goddess of the clickbait
she'll get the lubrication
lols thumbs-up love and hate
pavlov's date
kiss her crumbs
make her make her a multi-millionaire
that's really all she wants

she'll say something waaay
because she's the goddess of the clickbait
make her day
react share comment wait
suckle from her putrid lair
the bread and circus vultures pray
make her make her an opinion maker
a mainstream outlier legislator

react - she wins
hate her - she wins
love her - she wins
comment - she wins
she wins - she wins
she loses - she wins
as invisible puppeteers..

..set the dials to maximum distraction
fast-breed the trolls for the alchemical reaction
a fukushima of lost souls - sold
to the demagogues broking the new philistine code

and let us build this promised land
a promised land fit for nero
let us dance programming this chemtrailers' art
lols thumbs-up love and hate


 

Selfie Suicide

And yes, he jumped.
So they took their selfies,
And agreed he was selfish.
Laughing, they carried on..

As Angry As A Pavement Cyclist

he's as angry as a pavement cyclist
because he is a pavement cyclist
his lycra'd bollocks hanging inimitably like
only lycra'd bollocks hang
revolting neon slalom pilot
a face as puce as spam
 
he's as angry as a pavement cyclist
because he is a pavement cyclist
his recording moloch eye
a protein-fuelled protean spy
pedestrians he can prang
his birthright in a can

his legs, muscular violent toothpaste
the treetops drop-ship pigeons' bubble spaceships
billy the kid rides on oblivious
handlebars sculpted for fists
goggles for piranha fish
eyes like charles bronson in death wish

if you're in the bus queue you must die
pedestrians on pavements learn to fly
traffic lights it seems are always green
cross the road safely? in your dreams
pavement cyclists own everything
and they are always very angry
very angry indeed

I Am A Blog Poet

this is an immersive blog poem
so please put your blog poetry helmet on before banging your head repeatedly against this blog poetry screen

i am a blog poet
a blog poet
for blog poet read
plankton poet
bottom-feeder poet
swimming belly-up in the cyber fukushima sea moat
poet

i am a man that writes blog poetry
so where are my groupies
where are my rock star human rights
we need to ask ourselves here one important question
is prejudice against blog poets the last acceptable form of ism

i am a humorous poetry blog poet
that means i'm the lowest of the low
beyond redemption
the kind of human being that would make even gandhi want to pick up a baseball bat
to smash my brains in
well everyone needs a way to wind down

i am a blog poet
i sometimes receive postive feedback from
nigerian billionaires that want my bank details so they can send me fifty million pounds
exotic temptresses who need to marry me for a nominal fee
mumbai pharmacists promising to make my little fern a proud tree
or another poetry agent that definitely doesn't want to help me
i am a blog poet

i am a blog poet
sometimes i receive encouraging emails from other blog poets
encouraging me to
follow them on their blog
and leave them positive feedback
so i oblige by forwarding their blog email address to nigerian billionaires
exotic temptresses
and mumbai pharmacists
and poetry agents that hate blog poets
well one good turn..

i am a blog poet
and if you are reading this
you probably are too
it's horrible isn't it
god save the queen
thank you

i am a blog poet
i've had my blog since two thousand and nine
i should reach one thousand subscribers
in about three to four years' time
although i'm not holding my breath
i am a blog poet

i am a blog poet
i sometimes try to do something constructive about it
i watch ufo case files
or ancient aliens instead
ancient aliens were much better than the modern kind
they used to build pyramids and temples
and teach meditation and play the sitar
now the bastards abduct american cows
and burn inscrutable geometric graffiti on fields of distant stars

i am a blog poet
i am a blog poet
i am a blog poet
repeat and fade away..

so please let us be upstanding for the national anthem of this weird island next to the big part of europe
that's of no significance at all
next to this small part of europe very significant
that wants to leave europe
and move to neptune
and the neptunians can feel significant
feeling now a sense of belonging to the small significant stellarish part of europe

god save the queen blog poem

god save the queen blog poem
god save her corgies
god save those soldiers guarding buckingham palace
from german tourists trying to make them laugh
by singing kraftwerk songs in broken spanish
god save the queen
but not german tourists singing kraftwerk songs in broken spanish
god save the queen blog poem

god save the trees
but please first save the queen
unless the queen is sitting in a tree
in which case god save the queen
and the tree in which the queen is sitting
but god don't save the other trees
because they're probably communists or something
god save the queen
blog poem

god save atheists that love the queen
but don't save atheists that don't want to save the queen
even if they want to save the queen only for a rainy day
god don't save atheists that don't want to save the queen
even those cynical atheists that want to save the queen only for a rainy day
god save the queen
blog poem

god save agnostics that aren't sure about the queen
but don't save them entirely
save only a bit of them
like an elbow or leg
for example
or another part of their body
it doesn't really matter
i gave an elbow or leg only as an example
it could be a chin
or ear cartilage
it doesn't really matter to be honest
god save bits of agnostics that aren't sure about the queen
any bit really
god save bits of agnostics that are okay with god saving the queen
even if the queen might not exist
blog poem

god save the queen from commoners' austerity blog poetry
god save the queen from flowers that make her sneeze
kill 'em all
militant republican daffodils must be taught a lesson
mow the treacherous scum down
god save the queen

likewise god save evil terrorists that want to kill the queen
that is until god needs to kill them to prove he saved the queen
super-heroically
and at the very last minute
and all the people
will be grateful
for god acting like batman
god save the bad guys so god can save the queen from them
it's a bit complicated but god knows what god means
and batman would definitely know what god means
you need batman predictive programming
god save the queen

god save blog poets that want to save the queen
because then they can write blog poetry
about god saving blog poets' poetry about god saving the queen
god save the queen
and blog poetry about god saving the queen
a little like all those poems written after nine eleven
apart from those tinfoil dark web poems about how did building seven..
god save the queen

god save nauseating bbc royal correspondents who want you to want them to save the queen
god save jesus who wants to save the queen
but if he doesn't
then that's a different story
so let's hope he does
god save the queen and jesus but only if jesus wants to save the queen
otherwise there's nothing we can do for him
stupid man
god save the queen

god save everyone who wants to save the queen
god save god who wants to save the queen
but god don't save yourself if you don't want to save the queen
it's a win-win
so god save your sorry self and save your god the queen
the queen save god
god save..

god save ancient aliens
but not the modern ones who want to save the queen
unless they stop murdering american cows
then okay they may save the queen
god save sacred geometry graffiti only there to save the queen
god save the queen
blog poem..

i am a blog poet
i am a blog poet
i am a blog poet
you are a blog poet
you are a blog poet
you are a blog poet
we are a blog poet
we are a blog poet
we are a blog poet
blog poem

this has been an immersive blog poem experience
you can take off your helmet now
which colour pill do you want

Ethical Cheating Dating App 101

ethical cheating -
it's the bleeding edge of online dating -
subscribe share appropriate delete
rinse selfie, repeat

i'll be late tonight again honey
don't wait up
yeah yeah..i have to go
deadlines, we need the money
yeah i know i know..

Blow-Up Sheep Blues

Blow-up sheep blues
It's really bad ewes..

Showbiz

For we come from Planet Blancmange
For short we call Planet

We're good people
So we'll keep an eye on you
Make sure you don't do anything bad
We're interested in your funny habits
We the still ones like to know
Because
We come only for your soul
We're interested only in the rock and roll
We come for all the good stuff
We come from Planet Blancmange

For short we call ourselves Planetarians
Or Blancmangarians
Sometimes we call ourselves nothing
Because we're almost all there is

So
You don't need to apply to join the Blancmangarian brethren
You're in
And if you want to stay out
Then we'll make sure to find out what you're about
We thirst to wet nurse

We mentioned
We come from Planet Blancmange
We are avian
Fly on springs
We'll build you a strong new society made of twigs
A net of twigs
A trampoline made of twigs
We'll give you springs as we don't do wings
Silly things
We spring along our string
String you along your springs

We're close to the entertainment industry
We've already made good use of that military
Lather for your brain to make it snow slow
Wherever we are
                       you go
And just so you know
We come from Planet Blancmange

We welcome your input
We'll give you all the salient facts
Then we'll encourage you to feed them back
Confirmation bias has a bad rap
Anything else is tin foil hat
We are all there is
Now what's so wrong with that
That's not a question
That's a fact

We don't like penguins
They cause global warming
That's why there's a hole over Antarctica
You don't like penguins
They cause global warming
That's why there's a hole over Antarctica
See how natural that sounds
And to effortlessly amplify
Just a simple example
A small free sample

Remember people who don't like us don't like you
We you are all there is
Don't be a Sceptical Simon
It's a form of ideological violence
We are electricity you shall be a taut string-strong pylon
Don't be a Sceptical Simon
We you are all there is

We encourage frank debate
We'll plate-up your spinning plates
Crumbs are baby cakes
We'll serve you our choices
Our singularity shall bend and curve only with tailor-made voices
We'll moisten the bespoke hand-picked fears
We'll imagineer situations and schedule tears and seamlessly shift through the gears
Embed our white noise machinations
Inoculate the calibrations
Toll the bells of celebration
Baptise in the dark the tips of the enemies spears
Our diverse fraternity goes back a few years
You'll really wish we are here
We are the talent you are the balance
We come from Planet Blancmange
We you are all there is
Soon there won't be anything
But showbiz

Genghis Gandhi

His name is Genghis Gandhi
Let's strip his campaign hand shandy
As he blows straw men away through the msm In door
A free trade for peace
Here's another just war
Lock-on the porn of fear
Conquer and divide
Score and shoot
It's the name of that game
Kiss the ball of that boot

Weaving spells over his seashell crowd
Mesmerised by himself
The shepherd swells a coal that glitters
Slivers of vows smoke and lick melting mirrors
The thrumming of lectern stage-craft and spin
Camouflage the spiders' hidden vision

Perhaps that sits with you too strange
Perchance yearning to X the return-to-sender vote for change
Mustn't be cynical then
They're not all the same
Please consider Gandhi Genghis

Her name is Gandhi Genghis
She's all sympathetic dentist
She lip-syncs "the family..the hard-working poor.."
Yet flows for covert wars' surveillance whores more
She'll kiss your baby
                             before
                                      it can
                                             hit the floor
It's all tough love from Gandhi Genghis
Where compassion dovetails with a fistful of menace

They both spoil the rod
Withered lips gritted quote slayed men of peace
And if the said men were still alive
Laser guided boomerangs with fangs shall seek them deceased
Trolling truth to power speaks
Vacuum packs their spirited sheep
A theremin tune serenades
The curb kicking the bleating street

The gurning tango twerks the rabbit-hole sky
Let's pay obeisance sisters and brothers to the inverted all-seeing eye
Genghis Gandhi Gandhi Genghis
The croneys' The Internationale revelation in genesis