15 Years After I Had Sex With A Palanput

15 years after I had sex with a palanput
Even if I say so myself
That's a great title for a poem isn't it
A real world-beater
It was there floating confetti-like in the poetry ether
And I grabbed onto it like a panther
15 years after I had sex with a palanput

15 years after I had sex with a palanput
Poetry titles like this only come once a blue moon
I went online to search palanput
And nothing returned
I caught a made-up word
Well how about that
15 years after I had sex with a palanput

15 years after I had sex with a palanput
14 years doesn't sound right
16 years seems too distant
15 years after I had sex with a palanput
Was it in a plant pot
Palanput/plant pot
John Lennon would have been proud of that one

15 years after I had sex with a palanput
Will poetry readers palanput up with this
It will either be a big hit or a big miss
15 years after I had sex with a palanput
This might be the most original poetry title I shall ever write
Now the boring bit
Thoughts words lines

 

The Moment's Sight

Everything lost lost again
A sculptur embraces a melting snowman
Everything lost lost again
That fleeting glimpse locks the moment’s sight
That terrible second or so

Everything lost lost again
Embers ash underline the emptied lines
Everything lost lost again
Where time unhinges so cruelly a random reminder
There
A threadful of nothing to seam

Everything lost lost again
A small paragraph for you there spoken in volumes
Everything lost lost again
A pristine photograph framed in a dark room
The wordless secret laughed by spies

No melodrama but my inside-to-fade
A swedish TV detective frozen
Holding on to a pebble
Standing in the sift and waves

There
I’m not even sure that was you

Radiohead's New Album: Gainful Employment in a Philistine World - Song Titles and Artwork

11 penguins inside your pillow

diffi cult c ard tric  k

minimax

antibiotics for everyone  !

                                       in my                                  toothpaste

                  a
                    stra
                          phobia

thank you for reporting a fake troll

hoax majure

g
  l
   i
     mmer
                                            trampoline casino

                   xylophones and
 frankincense

stud farm moon landing/nodding dog drone

strychnine lopped hedgerows

                                                                                 i am the stickman (song for brent)

 radiohead


           gainful employment in a philistine world

Mind That Child

Mind that child
Which child
The Baby On Board child in the back of my car
How do you wish me to mind them
Drive carefully
My child is in the back of my car
Should I knock over the other children
Yes
That would be helpful
The school I wish my child to attend is over-subscribed
Don't quote me
The nuns

Unfortunately I don't have a driving licence
So I cannot drive a car
It would be against the law
So I'm not allowed to knock over the other children
It's probably in the highway code

Well I wish you had said that in the beginning
Are you a psychopath or something

Post Rock Song Titles That Probably Don't Exist But Probably Should (A List Poem, Part 1)

Fish to the Sound of Neptune
Synonymous Acropolis
Falling Off Crystals
Purgatory Daffodil in Musk
Gemini Gerbil
Livid Contract Negotiations in a Quarry
Eyewash for my Snowflakes
As Her Hand Grips the Atom Smasher I Run into an Exploding Volcano
Screaming at Triangles
Song with Insufficient Form
I LOve Her Like Zero Loves INfinity
Your God Hates Mirrors
Uncomfortable Guitar Shapes
Khartoum Lap Dancer
The Tip of Time in a Blade of Glass

I Broke the Internet
Helped by People Living on Stranger Worlds
Your Ectoplasm, My Face
The Nuclear Fission of Nuns is Present
I Fell in Love with a Forbidden Archaeologist but She Fell in Love with an Exo-EgyptologistThe Hindu Goddess of the Delay Pedal Drinks Rose Milk

Granny Farm Stage 3 (Fat Chance)
She Points to Orion as this Earth Melts
The Sound of Ten Thousand Ears
Filament/Bingo Atrocity
Brand New Cardigan for My Fata Morgana
My Ears See My Eyes Listen
Revenge of the Vegan Lobsters
Corn Circle Bottleneck Blues
Six Seconds of Silence for Two Minutes
In Praise (of British Dentists)
Shoot those Asterisks at my Heart
Effects Affect Effects
Ultraterrestrials in Devon
If Goldfish Played Guitar

Liminal Turpentine
I Smoke Chemtrails
Is That Supposed To Mean Something?
She's a Blow-up Sheep (but She Loves You)
Tell Me About My Childhood
Forms of Boredom at Prayer
89% of a Ming Vase
Lozenge Picnic in an Elephant Graveyard
Bill Oddie Accidentally Killed My Badger Part 2 (Extended Version)

Tulip Abuse on the Web (Shills on the Seashore)
Ununpentium (A Tribute To Bob Lazar)
Unpronounceable and Single
Pituitary Argonaut
NasaAstroturf/The Moon is a Flat Earth

Magenta Apollinaire
O
Glue Mermaids on Sax
Acoustic Feedback at Cern
My Soul is in Kilos
12:32 Sonic Integer
No Aspartame, No Crime
Smoke Signals for a Predictive Programmer Apocalypse
Sink Holes of Helsinki
Infinity Plus One Equals Zero Minus Time Squared
Yoga 4 Yetis
Chords Across the Rubicon
Killer Cheerleaders Never Die
Petal Crush Smoothie
Gandhi and Buddha Smash up a Hotel Room with a Candy Floss Light Saber
Of Neon
Mad Cow Rodeo (Who Stole the Sports Tyres from my UFO?)

etcetera..


*If any of these titles are real please let me know; I don't want to get sued for copywrite infringement

**No offence to post rock bands who hate being categorised as such; it seems to upset them 

***Examples of the genre: GSYBE, Sigor Ros, Mogwai, Explosions in the Sky, Beta Band, Cheryl Cole..
 

Papadum Sommelier Redux

Inside Indian bleeding edge vegetarian Restaurant Go! Transcendental Yeti Goddess
Attractive couple at table reading menu. Intimate, chilled, sophisticated vibe, subdued lighting and candlelight. Indian ambient jazz music gently waft over everyone..

Elegantly dressed man walks up to a couple's table. This is Shashi, Papadum Sommelier extraordinaire..

Shashi: Good evening, my name is Shashi, your papadum sommelier for this evening. Would you like to order?

Man: Oh yes, thank you. We're impressed with your extensive papadum list I have to say. I haven't even tried most of these.

Shashi: Sir, thank you. I can confidently argue that our papadum list is the finest in Shoreditch. All our papadums are hand-made, especially flown in from India and Nepal especially for our London Shoreditch clients.

Woman: Do you have a papadum special?

Shashi: We do. Today's papadum is "Mumbai Platinum". I'll fetch one for you if you would like a tasting..

Woman: Oh that would be lovely.

Shashi leaves to collect a "Mumbai Platinum" papadum.

Woman: gorgeous restaurant darling.

Man: Thank you. It comes highly recommended. If you haven't eaten a papadum here, they say, you haven't eaten a papadum anywhere..in Shoreditch.

Woman: Oh darling, you think of everything.

Shashi returns pushing a tray table on wheels. On top of the tray is a covered dish. Shashi puts on some white gloves and carefully pulls back the dish cover, and voila! we see the Mumbai Platinum papadum sparkling on its silver plate. Shashi then very carefully picks up the Mumbai Platinum papadum, and holds it before the couple, showing one side of the papadum, then the other..

Man: That's lovely.

Woman: It's very pretty isn't it?

Shashi: The Mumbai Platinum is a light papadum, indeed so light its calories are in minus figures. You practically lose weight eating these. By the end of this evening you'll be floating.

Couple laugh.

Shashi: The top notes of Mumbai..are distilled fenugreek over atomised saffron bay leaf, with a dimpled cumin aftertaste, very very for the palate. The middle notes reflect its linear counterpoint - simply, pink cardamom with a sheer coral turmeric powdering. The flip side of the Mumbai Platinum lies puffed parcel occlusion centering liminal cucumber peppercorns at her base. One whole organic peppercorn utilised per papadum... All our papadums are organically grown and fair trade..

Man: That's good to hear..Yes I'd like a tasting. And darling?

Woman: Yes, let's try.

Shashi takes the papadum lists from the couple, handing it to another staff member. Shashi then places the Mumbai Platinum papadum very delicately back on its dish, then places the dish with the same care onto their table. He then pulls from his pocket an ornate and very small golden hammer. Shashi holds the hammer a few centimetres above the papadum and closes his eyes, seemingly in intense meditative concentration. The hammer hits the Mumbai Platinum papadum, and the papadum cracks. The couple applaud, indeed the whole restaurant politely applaud. Shashi shyly acknowledges, then takes a sliver of papadum and puts one each on the couple's plates.
Shashi then offers them a strange-looking small spoon.

Shashi: Madam, sir, here are your papadum scoop spoons.

With the spoon the couple take the sliver from the plate, smiling, delighted. The couple eat their sample. Both look ecstatic as the flavours and tastes roll around their tongue.

Man: This is just delightful. We'll have one!

Woman: Darling, let's have two!

Man: Why not. Let's go crazy! Yes, we'll have two papadums!

Shashi: Great choice sir, madam!

A Labour Leadership Contest Candidate Reaches Out

conference
i've been a member for as long as i can remember
i've always believed in things recently..

we've had that traumatic election result
where we were all but wiped out in scotland and even london
they sent us a message
and the message they sent us was this..

..is that we need to stay in the centre
and this we need to remember
now and forever
the scots of the north wanted us to stay in the centre
and the zero-hours people of east and south london
and we let them all down

principles are reasonably necessary at least some of the time
principles though don't..
don't put secretaries on the table
don't put us in those positions..

the hard-working families
not the scroungers

the hard working families
not the scroungers
i can't say that enough

justice and fairness need to be balanced against financial constraints of the real world
we must have some justice and fairness
yes
but too much and we could end up..

fairness only makes sense if you have some unfairness
justice only happens when you have injustice
so we need some unfairness and injustice
but only moderate unfairness and injustice
that's the new third way
you could call it a fourth third way
the new new labour way
if you vote for me
i pledge i will try and deliver that pledge not a promise
a pledge that together we will
fight for uh..

and let's hear it for the hard-working families
not the scroungers
i'm surprised i haven't said that already..
 
we need to defend our country against threats
that's why i promise
the only promise i will make to you conference
that come hell or high water
i will waste no more that one hundred billion pounds on trident
and if more than one hundred billion pounds is wasted i will be very cross indeed
that's the kind of tough-talking labour leader i will be
prudent with your money
i will try to waste no more than one hundred billion pounds on trident
remember we still live in a post-austerity austerity society
that will be with us an eternity
a cruel world of uncaged disbelief requires someone like me
to be sensible with your trident money..

at this point i would like to reach out to uh
the demographic hard-working families
not the scroungers
 
yes people like houses
i like houses too
they're great
some people live in houses
i would like more people to live in those houses
but we need to defend ourselves first
and then we can have people in houses
people need to feel secure in houses
and the best way of doing that
is to spend one hundred billion pounds
but not a penny more
on trident
not houses

may i mention at this point
the hard-working families
not the scroungers

imagine if you will
that the economy is a gateau
you know one of those german not french ones
a black forest gateau
with cream on the top and a chocolate base
and some sprinkled icing on the sides
nice isn't it?
well no it isn't
because if you sit on that gateau
and i mean that not in the literal sense
but by squashing it
the cream in the gateau squirts out the side doesn't it?
well we need to promise that to the electorate
we need to present ourselves as trustworthy with that black forest gateau cake..

conference i promise to you this
that i will not squirt your cream out of your cake dish
not even literally
i will not sit on that cake
because that is your cream
and your cake
i will put that cake in the fridge
and it won't be a german fridge
it will be a british fridge
but a british fridge that celebrates
this is 
this is the vision that i see
conference i am the new credible authentic alternative
to the other candidates for leadership
that say similar things to me..

and please let's hear it for
the hard-working families
not the scroungers..

Bigotry Inc.

Bigotry Inc.

We are Bigotry Inc
Bigotry is an Equal Opportunities Employer
Whatever your religion
Whatever your creed
Whatever your politics
Whatever your class or caste or clan
Whatever your flag waving spam
Whatever your skin colour
Whatever your so called truth and facts and historical spin
Bigotry Inc welcomes you in
Wilful Ignorance here is very much not a sin
Every lie gets laid and gets in
Selective amnesia is Dream

Bigotry Inc is an Equal Opportunities Employer
We positively welcome all your demons and shills and belittlers and destroyers
We recognise that all groups and sub cultures and sects
Have as much right to celebrate their hate and prejudice and fear
As any other
It is all cleared

Different demagogues for different demographics
Bigotry Inc is flexible and plastic
Bigotry Inc prefers the measures drastic
The mobs the vigilantes the prophets of the anti
The ones who need to save us from the outsiders of ourselves
Where the moral high ground lead down to the gates of hell
Where the slippery slope is our wishing well
Where the silken sheath hides the noose man's rope
Where every fist has its blessing pope
Where every god will anoint the righteous
Follow the promised land to burning tyres
Where oil kisses fire
Where music grapples piano wire
The scent of blood desired

Every group has its day
Some more than others we have to say
But that's okay
Because in every system there's an overlord that owns
Every village has buried bones
Every culture sticks and stones
Beliefs cloned
Finessed and forged anew
Hello and goodbye you and you and you
Adieu

Bigotry Inc resends the unbroken spell
Appropriately reviewed for the different ages and epochs and eras
Forge the burning speakers
Stoke the cheer leaders
Ready the tears and save the cut and paste hysteria
We at Bigotry Inc will always be here
No fear
Smell the fever
Drink the beer

We at Bigotry Inc
Have been the most successful organisation since man crawled out a fish
We have always gifted the entitlement to stomp and twist
We at Bigotry Inc
Love all bigotry
No hate is too big or too small
None too ridiculous
No superstition too superstitious
All maliciousness is just delicious
All hateful fictions build our empires nutritious
Bigotry Inc is felicitous to earth's multi-variant piss artists

We are the human race
We are every night fable of every face
You have the right to hate
As do those you call they
And so do they
It's funny it slays us too
Come on in
And join the fun
Don't analyse or empathise
There's enough bigotry here for everyone

We at Bigotry Inc are always ahead of the curve
We know how to operate the myths' reflexive nerve
With verve
To project and serve
We are the lines that light the words that burn
And guarantee we never learn

If Wordsworth Suffered From Hay Fever

I wandered lonely as a cloud
But started sneezing so went back home..

 

The Goddess Of The Clickbait

she'll say something bad
because she's the goddess of the clickbait
she'll get the lubrication
lols thumbs-up love and hate
pavlov's date
kiss her crumbs
make her make her a multi-millionaire
that's really all she wants

she'll say something waaay
because she's the goddess of the clickbait
make her day
react share comment wait
suckle from her putrid lair
the bread and circus vultures pray
make her make her an opinion maker
a mainstream outlier legislator

react - she wins
hate her - she wins
love her - she wins
comment - she wins
she wins - she wins
she loses - she wins
as invisible puppeteers..

..set the dials to maximum distraction
fast-breed the trolls for the alchemical reaction
a fukushima of lost souls - sold
to the demagogues broking the new philistine code

and let us build this promised land
a promised land fit for nero
let us dance programming this chemtrailers' art
lols thumbs-up love and hate


 

Selfie Suicide

And yes, he jumped.
So they took their selfies,
And agreed he was selfish.
Laughing, they carried on..

As Angry As A Pavement Cyclist

he's as angry as a pavement cyclist
because he is a pavement cyclist
his lycra'd bollocks hanging inimitably like
only lycra'd bollocks hang
revolting neon slalom pilot
a face as puce as spam
 
he's as angry as a pavement cyclist
because he is a pavement cyclist
his recording moloch eye
a protein-fuelled protean spy
pedestrians he can prang
his birthright in a can

his legs, muscular violent toothpaste
the treetops drop-ship pigeons' bubble spaceships
billy the kid rides on oblivious
handlebars sculpted for fists
goggles for piranha fish
eyes like charles bronson in death wish

if you're in the bus queue you must die
pedestrians on pavements learn to fly
traffic lights it seems are always green
cross the road safely? in your dreams
pavement cyclists own everything
and they are always very angry
very angry indeed