Haiku

Mad cow zen -
the sound of one leg clapping
asychronously

Lackadaisical Heterosexual

I'm a lackadaisical heterosexual,
Doe I don't bunga-bunga the fractional symmetrical.
Maybe it's temporal,
Or maybe it's vegetable,
Or maybe it's the invertebrate.

There among the reeds are magical bushes,
I hush, I admire, but spare the hard-pushes.
Yes, those cushy tushes are never off-putting,
But sometimes my rule-laying is only note-footing.

And when tentacles explore for tappable,
And reach only the unflappable -
The lazy asp struck by the frosty apple -
It really doesn't matter for the lackadaisical heterosexual,
So long as it's not marital..

Positive Feedback Psycho Destroyer

Here's a unique kind of troll.
He trawls eBay to seduce sellers kiss-blowing
hundred percent positive feedback after their letters;
Those sellers that truly adore their customers proud,
Mesmerised by their own encore-bows..

And that's when he strikes,
That's when he pounces:
Scoping them from his subterranean below-the-radar watchtower,
He buys stuff he neither wants or needs,
Only so he can destroy sellers positive feedback.

Just for that? Yes. 
He loves destroying sellers one-hundred percent positive feedback.
Well we all need a hobby.
Welcome to the twenty-first century.

For he is the King Neg Feedback Man.
The Genghis Attila Neg Feedback Man.
He leaves neg feedback because..? He can?
Yes.

Your bubblewrap made the wrong popping sound.
The packaging was grey; I prefer light brown.
The rubber duck you sold me is unrealistically buoyant;
I couldn't drown it - imagine my disappointment.

Roaring scornful vapour trails his neg feedback warlord lust,
Grinds yet another gobsmacked seller pitilessly into pixillated dust..
Another old lady, mashed, weeps into her rusks;
It was her late husband's cardigan,
She didn't ask for much,
But no, still he ruthlessly blancmanged her baby-boomer,
love-not-bombs bone-ashing collapsing face with neg feedback.
She'll never get over that.

She'll never get over that..
Her dead husband's cardigan got neg feedback.
Her granny farm cell is now the Heartbreak Hotel,
Memories of her husband's cardigan swirl down swallowed 
to where troll demons dwell.
The ravines on her face deeper than Martian sands.
Tears for her bedpan.
Tears for her bedpan.
Her name is Roxanne.

And lo, let it be written,
As the years roll on by,
Under different false names, accounts and guises,
He will continue to traumatise, baffle, vaporise and tyrannise
the positive feedback prize-agonizers -
Fazing and hazing,
Liquidising and mayonnaising them with neg feedback.

He doesn't seem angry, bitter or twisted;
He's never been bullied or abused;
He's never had a penchant for sniffing badgers - or glue,
(or sniffing badgers that sniff glue).
His kids love him,
His wife, his mistress, his goldfish, his garden gnomes do too.
He just loves buying things so he can leave neg feedback.

Your old man's cardigan smells of plastic buttons.. 

See, it's just his hobby,
It's just his aphrodisiac,
It's just the way he blows his stack,
It's how he gets his black back into even more black.
He just loves leaving negative feedback.
It's as simple as that.
Some people are just like that.
It's that deep.

Mitt Romney - Star Mangled In Daggerland

From the land of socialised arms care, laissez-faire,
Mitt Romney lands,
Blown into the cruel sands,
Of fangled Palin "death panels" medicine-bad.

This could be the start of another special relationship..

Politically appointed judges pro-death penalty,
Supported by God Squad firebrand misogynistic ideology;
Oil men funded creationist, literalist illuminati,
Tipping the wink the priapic military-twink hegemony.
United in paranoia, cash cows, prophecy, fear and flag:
Follow their money, spam their Man.
AmerIran.

Masking Agents

High rise blocks' rooftops gun-turreted,
Missile launchers: on your marks..
The anti-terror squad and the extra-special forces,
Scan and train on Olympian sky.


The car thieves, robbers and burglars gaze upwards,
Their bosoms swell with pride,


Yes, the incoming existential threat shall beguile.
And our synchronised asymmetric kinetic combat teams meanwhile..


Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya,
Stratford Olympic Village -
Eyes on International Terror,
And off - a kindly waver - the mundane locally sourced murder-lite-pillage;
Our boys in combat have got the streets,
And the boys in green,
Have got that bit of sky. 


Jubilate! Rejoice! Exult!

• Feel the positives
• 
  

The Scent Of Broken Glass

Everytime I see your face,
It reminds me of your face.
How do you do that?


If you can read this poem,
Then you're standing far too near.
Step back a little, slowly,
Making sure you don't bump into the poem behind you.


If you place your nose next to this poem,
You will realise it's made of glass.


If you place your nose next to this glass,
You will realise it's made of poem.


If you drop this glass,
It will break like a poem,
And release the scent of broken glass.

Poets Anon

..then it was my turn to stand up and share.
I know there's a moral in there somewhere..

I'm A Bit Pissed I know But You Remind Me A Bit Of My Ex-Boyfriend Who Dumped Me, So Don't Get Me Wrong But Do You Fancy A Fuck Or What?

I'm a bit pissed I know but you remind me a bit of my ex-boyfriend who dumped me,
So don't get me wrong, but do you fancy a fuck or what?
You can say no if you want to..


By the way did I mention I'm pissed?
Actually I'm not that pissed,
Do I look pissed to you?
Be honest, I don't mind..


Stop! I implored.
Get your coat you lucky girl - you've pulled.

He Spreads His Legs Wide On The Train

He spreads his legs wide on the train,
Like he's firing a missile, medium range.
Maybe his drain has constrained varicose veins,
Maybe he dreams of attracting a nymphomane..

He spreads his legs wide on the tube,
But it's your inner-zone Oyster he dreams to pass through;
So will you scuba his Cuban cigar tuba,
Or cork his bazooka for a less cocky cockatooer?

He spreads his legs wide on the bus,
For he is the egg man and he is the walrus.
A wand, his sceptre; your pot of honey,
For how long will you spurn his shot-of-money? 

He spreads his legs wide on budget planes,
He wishes you to hydroplane his polyurethane'd champagne.
And when he moons his club-class do you wax or wane?
When he raises cane do you want to crack his crane?

He spreads his legs wide on public transport,
He fancies himself as the male alpha-sort.
His love for himself is primarily self-taught,
For he docks with himself - he's the wrist-astronaut.

We Regret Your Pavement Services Are Subject To Delay

We regret your pavement services are subject to delay,
The wrong kind of leaves have blocked the passageway.
There's an old lady pile-up near the bingo alleyway,
Engineers are removing them; it will take a couple of days.


This pavement has been shut down for the next two hours,
An over ego'd celebrity chef's orangutan'd a bag of flour.
Following this pedestrian action, your pavement's lost all power.
We recommend you activate your hidden yogic-flying superpowers.


This pavement is overheating due to climate change,
Powdery sun rays are melting flagstones a crazy golf course range.
For health and safety considerations please continue your journey by plane.
For a refund claim, our pavement office is located in the deep Ukraine.


Pavement Rage - that's rage against pavements; we're striking pavementists!
We apologise to all pavement providers for our actions industrialist.
Should pavement operators wish to complain or seek our benediction,
We're conveniently located inside a pyramid in the Martian jurisdiction.

Difficult Day

I have a feeling,
Today is going to be,
A very difficult day;
A very, very,
Difficult, difficult day.

I anticipate,
The day today,
Might prove as difficult,
As another day today I had,
Of eight-years ago.

And that really was,
A very difficult day.

And please put that in very large capital letters,
Inside incredibly ginormous inverted commas, like this:
"VERY LARGE CAPITAL LETTERS"
Because Honestly, it really was that difficult.
Verily very.

For all our yesterday's relived in the today,
Seem somehow less difficult,
Reprising in Mandalay;
Our revivified-backwards life where every sense is made -
Every sense that's there,
Seems so elusive for here today.

I wish I could sleep through a difficult today,
Like some people are now sleeping through mine -
Perhaps including you?
No wonder you aren't reading this,
Oh, I know you might think you are;
But you're really only dreaming you are,
So mired you are,
In this very difficult dream you are.

My hair smells of biscuits,
So I don't eat biscuits.
So does anyone eat biscuits,
So their hair doesn't smell of biscuits?

Still think you're not dreaming?

This is a very difficult day.
I cannot phone sick:
I know of no-one of that name.
I'm just having a very difficult day.

Difficult, difficult day.
Why of all days should today be a very difficult day?
Why, wouldn't it be so much easier,
If we had our difficult days scheduled on easy days?
Mind you, then the easy days wouldn't be so easy either.
Oh, this really is proving to be,
A very, very,
And a difficult, difficult day.
(And two very very's added to two difficult difficult's,
Equals very, very, difficult, difficult,
In my book).

Supposing today is a vegetable,
It would be a difficult vegetable:
A rude broccoli;
An angry frozen guacamole;
A passive-aggressive fleeyamblafroosh,
Or a boiling-with-rage tangly reeybuffooff!

And if today is a difficult carpet,
It would be an angry Axminster as tender drains.
Or a torn bamboo rug,
With impossible-to-remove wine stains.
Or a kitchen mat in musty-basement seventies mustard, custard swirls.
Or a student-fitted floor rag,
Spangled with moth-designed swirls.

And if today is a poem,
It would smell of biscuits.
Very difficult biscuits.
That's very and very,
And difficult and difficult,
Biscuits.

There's Nothing Like A Rhyming Dictionary

There's nothing like a rhyming dictionary,
To help a poem originally dishwasher.