As Angry As A Pavement Cyclist

he's as angry as a pavement cyclist
because he is a pavement cyclist
his lycra'd bollocks hanging inimitably like
only lycra'd bollocks hang
revolting neon slalom pilot
a face as puce as spam
 
he's as angry as a pavement cyclist
because he is a pavement cyclist
his recording moloch eye
a protein-fuelled protean spy
pedestrians he can prang
his birthright in a can

his legs, muscular violent toothpaste
the treetops drop-ship pigeons' bubble spaceships
billy the kid rides on oblivious
handlebars sculpted for fists
goggles for piranha fish
eyes like charles bronson in death wish

if you're in the bus queue you must die
pedestrians on pavements learn to fly
traffic lights it seems are always green
cross the road safely? in your dreams
pavement cyclists own everything
and they are always very angry
very angry indeed

I Am A Blog Poet

this is an immersive blog poem
so please put your blog poetry helmet on before banging your head repeatedly against this blog poetry screen

i am a blog poet
a blog poet
for blog poet read
plankton poet
bottom-feeder poet
swimming belly-up in the cyber fukushima sea moat
poet

i am a man that writes blog poetry
so where are my groupies
where are my rock star human rights
we need to ask ourselves here one important question
is prejudice against blog poets the last acceptable form of ism

i am a humorous poetry blog poet
that means i'm the lowest of the low
beyond redemption
the kind of human being that would make even gandhi want to pick up a baseball bat
to smash my brains in
well everyone needs a way to wind down

i am a blog poet
i sometimes receive postive feedback from
nigerian billionaires that want my bank details so they can send me fifty million pounds
exotic temptresses who need to marry me for a nominal fee
mumbai pharmacists promising to make my little fern a proud tree
or another poetry agent that definitely doesn't want to help me
i am a blog poet

i am a blog poet
sometimes i receive encouraging emails from other blog poets
encouraging me to
follow them on their blog
and leave them positive feedback
so i oblige by forwarding their blog email address to nigerian billionaires
exotic temptresses
and mumbai pharmacists
and poetry agents that hate blog poets
well one good turn..

i am a blog poet
and if you are reading this
you probably are too
it's horrible isn't it
god save the queen
thank you

i am a blog poet
i've had my blog since two thousand and nine
i should reach one thousand subscribers
in about three to four years' time
although i'm not holding my breath
i am a blog poet

i am a blog poet
i sometimes try to do something constructive about it
i watch ufo case files
or ancient aliens instead
ancient aliens were much better than the modern kind
they used to build pyramids and temples
and teach meditation and play the sitar
now the bastards abduct american cows
and burn inscrutable geometric graffiti on fields of distant stars

i am a blog poet
i am a blog poet
i am a blog poet
repeat and fade away..

so please let us be upstanding for the national anthem of this weird island next to the big part of europe
that's of no significance at all
next to this small part of europe very significant
that wants to leave europe
and move to neptune
and the neptunians can feel significant
feeling now a sense of belonging to the small significant stellarish part of europe

god save the queen blog poem

god save the queen blog poem
god save her corgies
god save those soldiers guarding buckingham palace
from german tourists trying to make them laugh
by singing kraftwerk songs in broken spanish
god save the queen
but not german tourists singing kraftwerk songs in broken spanish
god save the queen blog poem

god save the trees
but please first save the queen
unless the queen is sitting in a tree
in which case god save the queen
and the tree in which the queen is sitting
but god don't save the other trees
because they're probably communists or something
god save the queen
blog poem

god save atheists that love the queen
but don't save atheists that don't want to save the queen
even if they want to save the queen only for a rainy day
god don't save atheists that don't want to save the queen
even those cynical atheists that want to save the queen only for a rainy day
god save the queen
blog poem

god save agnostics that aren't sure about the queen
but don't save them entirely
save only a bit of them
like an elbow or leg
for example
or another part of their body
it doesn't really matter
i gave an elbow or leg only as an example
it could be a chin
or ear cartilage
it doesn't really matter to be honest
god save bits of agnostics that aren't sure about the queen
any bit really
god save bits of agnostics that are okay with god saving the queen
even if the queen might not exist
blog poem

god save the queen from commoners' austerity blog poetry
god save the queen from flowers that make her sneeze
kill 'em all
militant republican daffodils must be taught a lesson
mow the treacherous scum down
god save the queen

likewise god save evil terrorists that want to kill the queen
that is until god needs to kill them to prove he saved the queen
super-heroically
and at the very last minute
and all the people
will be grateful
for god acting like batman
god save the bad guys so god can save the queen from them
it's a bit complicated but god knows what god means
and batman would definitely know what god means
you need batman predictive programming
god save the queen

god save blog poets that want to save the queen
because then they can write blog poetry
about god saving blog poets' poetry about god saving the queen
god save the queen
and blog poetry about god saving the queen
a little like all those poems written after nine eleven
apart from those tinfoil dark web poems about how did building seven..
god save the queen

god save nauseating bbc royal correspondents who want you to want them to save the queen
god save jesus who wants to save the queen
but if he doesn't
then that's a different story
so let's hope he does
god save the queen and jesus but only if jesus wants to save the queen
otherwise there's nothing we can do for him
stupid man
god save the queen

god save everyone who wants to save the queen
god save god who wants to save the queen
but god don't save yourself if you don't want to save the queen
it's a win-win
so god save your sorry self and save your god the queen
the queen save god
god save..

god save ancient aliens
but not the modern ones who want to save the queen
unless they stop murdering american cows
then okay they may save the queen
god save sacred geometry graffiti only there to save the queen
god save the queen
blog poem..

i am a blog poet
i am a blog poet
i am a blog poet
you are a blog poet
you are a blog poet
you are a blog poet
we are a blog poet
we are a blog poet
we are a blog poet
blog poem

this has been an immersive blog poem experience
you can take off your helmet now
which colour pill do you want

Ethical Cheating Dating App 101

ethical cheating -
it's the bleeding edge of online dating -
subscribe share appropriate delete
rinse selfie, repeat

i'll be late tonight again honey
don't wait up
yeah yeah..i have to go
deadlines, we need the money
yeah i know i know..

Blow-Up Sheep Blues

Blow-up sheep blues
It's really bad ewes..

Showbiz

For we come from Planet Blancmange
For short we call Planet

We're good people
So we'll keep an eye on you
Make sure you don't do anything bad
We're interested in your funny habits
We the still ones like to know
Because
We come only for your soul
We're interested only in the rock and roll
We come for all the good stuff
We come from Planet Blancmange

For short we call ourselves Planetarians
Or Blancmangarians
Sometimes we call ourselves nothing
Because we're almost all there is

So
You don't need to apply to join the Blancmangarian brethren
You're in
And if you want to stay out
Then we'll make sure to find out what you're about
We thirst to wet nurse

We mentioned
We come from Planet Blancmange
We are avian
Fly on springs
We'll build you a strong new society made of twigs
A net of twigs
A trampoline made of twigs
We'll give you springs as we don't do wings
Silly things
We spring along our string
String you along your springs

We're close to the entertainment industry
We've already made good use of that military
Lather for your brain to make it snow slow
Wherever we are
                       you go
And just so you know
We come from Planet Blancmange

We welcome your input
We'll give you all the salient facts
Then we'll encourage you to feed them back
Confirmation bias has a bad rap
Anything else is tin foil hat
We are all there is
Now what's so wrong with that
That's not a question
That's a fact

We don't like penguins
They cause global warming
That's why there's a hole over Antarctica
You don't like penguins
They cause global warming
That's why there's a hole over Antarctica
See how natural that sounds
And to effortlessly amplify
Just a simple example
A small free sample

Remember people who don't like us don't like you
We you are all there is
Don't be a Sceptical Simon
It's a form of ideological violence
We are electricity you shall be a taut string-strong pylon
Don't be a Sceptical Simon
We you are all there is

We encourage frank debate
We'll plate-up your spinning plates
Crumbs are baby cakes
We'll serve you our choices
Our singularity shall bend and curve only with tailor-made voices
We'll moisten the bespoke hand-picked fears
We'll imagineer situations and schedule tears and seamlessly shift through the gears
Embed our white noise machinations
Inoculate the calibrations
Toll the bells of celebration
Baptise in the dark the tips of the enemies spears
Our diverse fraternity goes back a few years
You'll really wish we are here
We are the talent you are the balance
We come from Planet Blancmange
We you are all there is
Soon there won't be anything
But showbiz

Genghis Gandhi

His name is Genghis Gandhi
Let's strip his campaign hand shandy
As he blows straw men away through the msm In door
A free trade for peace
Here's another just war
Lock-on the porn of fear
Conquer and divide
Score and shoot
It's the name of that game
Kiss the ball of that boot

Weaving spells over his seashell crowd
Mesmerised by himself
The shepherd swells a coal that glitters
Slivers of vows smoke and lick melting mirrors
The thrumming of lectern stage-craft and spin
Camouflage the spiders' hidden vision

Perhaps that sits with you too strange
Perchance yearning to X the return-to-sender vote for change
Mustn't be cynical then
They're not all the same
Please consider Gandhi Genghis

Her name is Gandhi Genghis
She's all sympathetic dentist
She lip-syncs "the family..the hard-working poor.."
Yet flows for covert wars' surveillance whores more
She'll kiss your baby
                             before
                                      it can
                                             hit the floor
It's all tough love from Gandhi Genghis
Where compassion dovetails with a fistful of menace

They both spoil the rod
Withered lips gritted quote slayed men of peace
And if the said men were still alive
Laser guided boomerangs with fangs shall seek them deceased
Trolling truth to power speaks
Vacuum packs their spirited sheep
A theremin tune serenades
The curb kicking the bleating street

The gurning tango twerks the rabbit-hole sky
Let's pay obeisance sisters and brothers to the inverted all-seeing eye
Genghis Gandhi Gandhi Genghis
The croneys' The Internationale revelation in genesis

Poppadum Sommelier

May I introduce you to today's House Special Nominated Poppadom: Lumbini Nightingale.

The pronounced narrative notes of this boutique poppadom are deceptively languid and delightfully off-centre:
The top notes:
A flourish of cardamom, the organic sage sparkles cheeky eyelash dreamy saplings of jovial erotic saffron,
Glowing her golden epidermis shyly, enticingly..

Elusive zephyrs of Tibetan sage,
Slivers in landscaped peppermint oblongs blush her meandering subterranean canyons a bronzed cream.

Counterposing an arresting dandy of succulents, deftly alongside a parallel astronomy deckchair of fenugreek, Mumbai lemongrass..
Are a transcendental sprig of atomised turmeric,
Even more cheeky and vicarious,
which co-mingles entirely her crispy sandy sentient oceans mermaid..

Mentoring the top notes -
A burnished olive's fluorescing knob marine hosannas melting play jazz butter quavers sobbing the Vedic grass petals a love-in melody of subdued coriander.

So moving along the light-range of medium note-trigger-descriptors locking down this poppadom..
Going from middle-range to top then reverse to minimals, as that's easier:
A Daphne of ginger, 
Two iambs of Himalayan powdered yeti berry - the blessing Buddha's tincture liminal,
And dimpled to marvel..

A flamingo's flamenco of nutmeg tornadoes spruce glimmering lanterns a moon-night-lit dream;
The sandalwood scented rosewater sprinkling brazenly piggy backs iridescent like a giggling dancing temple girl -
Erotic yet timorous, fully tipped escarpments, secluded, forbidden, almost verboten,
rubs moistened olive butter-fingers along her edges..
Example, see here and here..

For me,
The almost baroque basenote architecture of this poppadom incarnation is where the real surprise of this truly blissful installation excoriates the tongue-lashing to orgas mesmerically:
Toasted sesame bugle-slivers imprint a miasma masala engineering;
A llama scrutiny silhouettes perpendicularising the strobes paprika, lime, and clove.
Tresses-dimini slips headlong inside the mezzanine.

Moving onto her nervous system's textual descriptors shimmering this boutique-level executive poppadom -
Observe the ambient hounds-tooth stitching - ships along the borderline - contrasting a yoghurt culture with a peachening shell filigree of coral cinnamon..
And if I may cheekily interrupt myself, this tickles my pickle every single time.

The heartland of this poppadom jamboree, geographically at least, habituates the middle shaman chakra bilinguals:
Lightly sunset tones, minute jade speckles, dappled peppercorns atomise the spirals-in-spirals
bohemian racy radish hymn to itself.

The flipside, ditto with minimal counterpoint-occasions,
Shifted by a light frosting of roasted almond submarine-dapples dazzling this fierce panda of a poppadom concerto's mangrove, Fernando.

I heartily recommend this poppadom for fifty pence sterling, fully inclusive of VAT and service charge.

*Poppadum can also be spelt papadum or pappadum!

One Day I Ate A Vegetarian Prawn

One day I ate a vegetarian prawn
I know it was vegetarian
Because all prawns are vegetarian
In fact they are all so vegetarian
They don't even eat vegetables
And you can't get much more vegetarian than that
For a prawn

One day I ate a vegetarian prawn
I think it was a Tuesday
Although I don't recall which Tuesday it was
No wait
I do
It was the very Tuesday
The very Tuesday that I ate a vegetarian prawn

One day I ate a vegetarian prawn
It was quite warm
But not as warm as the prawn
I'm a Sagittarian
And this vegetarian prawn had never eaten a vegetarian
So I asked myself why did it call itself a vegetarian prawn

One day I ate a vegetarian prawn
Thankfully it didn't taste of vegetarians
Unless vegetarians taste of prawns
Vegetarian prawns

One day I ate a vegetarian prawn
But on another day I didn't
I do not know what this proves
No wait
I do
It proves that one day I ate a vegetarian prawn
But on the other day..
Oh this is getting so complicated

One day I ate a vegetarian prawn
While doing yoga
I never knew vegetarian prawns could do yoga
I said to the prawn
I never knew vegetarian prawns could do yoga
Neither did I she said
I'm a vegan prawn
I only eat carnivores
They don't taste of vegetarians
Prawn vegetarian prawns

April Fools' Poem

Politician Chops A Tomato In His Kitchen, Another Politician Sips Tea In His Second Kitchen

Politician chops a tomato
in his kitchen
Now he's chopping a lettuce
in his kitchen
He's saying things at the same time
in his kitchen

He's endowed with multi-skilled sets
Yes he must live in the real world I've guessed
He can chop a tomato
And then a lettuce
And talk at the same time
I've never chopped a lettuce in my life
in my kitchen
I have chopped a tomato though
But it wasn't in my kitchen
It was in someone else's
kitchen
It was a pretty weird situation
That pretty weird kitchen situation is for another poem
And probably one you won't want to read
if  I'm being honest
So I won't be honest..honest.

Well that tells us all we need to know
I'm convinced
I always wondered whether he could chop a tomato
in his kitchen
It's not easy at the best of times
You know that
I know that
Let's not pretend
And he did it all in front of the cameras
in his kitchen
Chopping a lettuce truly earns my respect
And should earn yours too
A man who can chop a lettuce and talk about not wanting to be prime minister for a third term
When he's still in his first
To think that far ahead
in his kitchen
While chopping a tomato
and then a lettuce
in his kitchen
Talking at the same time
in his kitchen
About not wanting to be prime minister for a third term
When he's still serving his first
That truly earns my respect
Like watching a marine punch a gazelle..

And regardless of whoever's kitchen I happen to be in
Were I to be in your kitchen for example
I would feel that same swell of admiration
And I promise I would never chop a tomato
in your kitchen
And definitely not a lettuce
Just in case you're wondering
I don't eat lettuce
And even if I did
I would never chop it in your kitchen
Even if I were to be in a really bad mood..

And here's another politician
This one is in his second kitchen
Conversing with his wife while drinking tea
in his second kitchen
I know that could never be me
I don't have a first wife and I don't have a second kitchen
(and I don't really sip tea for I'm an uncouth gulper
probably my Indian upbringing)
Thus I could never be a democratic socialist leader
Although I'd like to be
Who could believe in me
When I don't have a second kitchen to sip tea in
with a wife which I don't have
Listening attentively to my democratic socialist thoughts
While sipping tea which I wouldn't sip anyway
Being more of an uncouth gulper probably because of my Indian upbringing
in my second kitchen
which I also don't have..

To be that man who can sip tea so nonchalantly
Not even in his first kitchen
But in his second kitchen
The one that he's not used to sipping tea in
That's beyond the call of duty
So beyond you
And me
So who really lives in the real world
Well I think that's plain to see

It's Another Man Thing

Us men -
We write poetry about love,
Because we aren't very good with words.

Job Interview: I Loved It There So Much I Had To Leave

So tell us why you want to work here

I was impressed with your annual report, and attended one of your seminars.
I have no interest in learning tedious office IT packages, climbing the corporate ladder, improving my so-called work skill sets..

I mainly stare out windows and daydream. Your windows are very impressive, different colours..Some reflect and refract the light in interesting ways I bet..

Yes, when we commissioned this office to be built, one of our first requirements was to incorporate different shapes and colours. Windows are one of the most important things, yes? We also discourage corporate skills, they give us a bad reaction. That's good.
 
Now what do you bring in terms of experience?

I've been daydreaming for decades. In my last place I managed a team of daydreamers. They manage themselves now. In fact they are so committed to the cause they daydream for others. We actually secured the UK's largest daydream commission. It's time for me to move on, spread the word. I loved it there so much I had to leave. They want me to spread the word, evangelise daydreaming.

We know, really impressive. What other skills can you bring to us?

I astral project, bend space-time reality, stand around and stare into space, lie down, and occasionally walk around aimlessly listening to music..I'm exceptionally good at that.

That's lovely. The UK is so short now of people with such experience. What would you do to address this shortage?

Apprenticeships. Young people are especially wonderful at daydreaming. They should be encouraged to do it all day long. I'm amazed that at the moment there isn't even one app to help people do nothing but daydream. It's a worry.

We agree. We have a project in development, a quantum daydream app. 

And what is your greatest weakness?

Chocolate.

Wonderful! It's ours too. We have a chocolate emporium on our roof. You can eat chocolate while gazing at the sky, watching the lunar waves ripple and wash over the twinkling lights of Aristarchus.

No kidding! I do that all the time; it's one of my hobbies.

Well, talking of hobbies, what other hobbies do you have that you can bring to the workplace table lying prone while staring at the stars?

Sometimes when I'm half-asleep I've been pointed to the strangest YouTube channels. They help me have lucid dreams. Captain Bill, Crrow777, Streetcap1, 1967Sander..

Captain Bill?

He's a Brazilian guy who channels Mythi, a benign extraterrestrial. It's fabulous.

Are you daydreaming now?

Are you daydreaming now?

Yes. It's a good world we both live in here.

Well, everything seems to be in order. Your references checked and..so welcome on board! 
Let's go to the chocolate emporium and chill. The sky awaits..