King Baby Fairy

Hey little Tommy,
Can you come here and sit down?
Your mother and I need to talk to you.

No,
Don't worry,
You've haven't done anything wrong,
It's just that your mother and I,
Believe that it's about time,
You knew about,
The Real Facts of Life,
You know:
About where babies really come from.

Tomorrow Tommy you are twelve,
And we have to admit,
That everything we told you so far,
Up to now,
About babies,
And where babies come from,
Was not strictly true Tommy,
We're sorry..

Mums and dads make these stories up,
To protect little children,
So they can enjoy their childhood in innocence,
Believing that little babies,
Are conceived,
In fairy tales:
You know: drunken but loving one-night-stand relationships,
That kind of thing..

Maybe you believe Tommy,
That you were conceived one winter's night,
When Father Christmas,
And a Premiership footballer,
Had a spit-roasting session with your mother,
In a cordoned-off v.i.p area,
Of an exclusive nightclub.
Is that what you think Tommy?
Is that how you think you were made?
Oh, you do.
Well no Tommy, that's not strictly true,
That didn't actually happen I'm afraid..

So here are the real Facts of life Tommy:
Adults do not conceive children,
By having ecstatic, rampant, meaningless and sordid sex.
Ha! Ha! No.
The truth is Tommy,
In the real world,
Sex doesn't really exist,
It's a totally made up thing:

It's never happened.
In fact you Tommy,
Like all children,
Were actually delivered to us by the King Baby Fairy,
Yes that's right:
The King Baby Fairy.
The King Baby Fairy.
The King Baby Fairy.
And one of his little helpers,
Will visit you tomorrow,
To explain,
As you will be twelve.
You see the King Baby Fairy's helpers,
Always visit children when they are twelve,
To explain everything to them,
About The Real Facts of Life..

Now Tommy you look a little stunned:
No, that's right Tommy,
Sex doesn't exist,
Not at all.
Premiership footballers and celebrities,
Don't exist either,
Are you disappointed?

Now obviously,
Your mother and I realise this is a lot to take in,
So don't be shy Tommy,
Ask us anything you like..