A Crap Songwriter From A Parallel Earth Writes A Crap Song About A Parallel Earth

 
i am a labrador sell-out superstar with fourteen human pets
how cute their innocent batty eyelashy oval eyes are
as they joyously throw me fetched twigs
honestly i am humbled at their purposeful puppy loyalty
just look how besottedly these beasts gaze down at me
so no i could never lick them out my palatial marble kennel
the hu-rights beagles would smoke my head for experiments
and oftentimes i wonder do furry reprobates like me
ever deserve to own such sensitive two-legged creatures..

sometimes when i bark they seem so prescient
are the funny sounds they make really a living language
such untroubling empathetic and considerate companions
they seem to wish me to truly comprehend
so for this rock god so glam a dog
truly his best friend is man
they just wag..

sadly now in their twentieth decade
the squalling loch ness solar wars rage
streaking helium missiles fire this glowing lozenge down
as the tropical climate cooling
may soon wipe out all life from planet sun
thus hammerhead mermaids are still singing the reds
as twitchy lunar shark fairies kamikaze-dive
meanwhile i am a tortured labrador songwriter
press-ganged into action my once-yearly five-to-nine..

after i hang down the fountain pen phone
my manager on whisker stimulating hormones stoned
flannels my face off the mouse-and-bone
you see my contract stipulates
a last bad song is required for release
so the growing vinyl ice cap sheets
are already slain by fair trade terminator trees
and ready to be pressed into plastic ingot mp3s
but speaking creatively this dog star feels so drained
yet i bet gentle reader you feel little sorrow for me
you will point me to the long-distance star-sheep
on minimum baa-baa for moos
so it is for them you weep i see..

but i am compelled to sing to fight climate freeze
for i am instructed so
for this is the way solar showbiz gravity leans
and you thought landing on sideways is so easy
well now you know..

as i stroke one of my older pups named hairy pete
a rare moscovite/yorkshire cross-breed moustachieff
it hits me like a giant sumo flea
i should write a somesense song about a parallel earth
a fun-to-believe parallel earth
where humans are intelligent
and where dogs are their pets
and where wars are not fought between fur groups
or between mermaid militias
and loch ness sky-killer fairy hot-heads
but between humans and..
oh some other else
and these intelligent humans to highlight
live on static roundets not spinning-plate satellite suns
where they say their ground is too warm
too warm..
irony eh
at least making the video should be fun..

i remain hopeful the complete lamp post out of me
my friendly critics will not take
we belong to the same secret kennel society
so surely they will be minded to say
oh look he must be so unbaked
he sounds like a total sobriety case
sniffing around groupies sensitive to save their innocent virginity
my badness he has really found his whiskers this time
intelligent humans with dog pets
in a parallel reality that might even make sense
and it is not too clever to threaten us like satire..

so i take a time-in
and on my land-cloud i wander
then i lick my bollocks empowering myself lovingly
and then take a dump on the infinity veranda
my puppies go walkies to fetch my swag
with forceps they place forensically into diamond bags
the booty for fine wine ingredients i nod and wag
they pass the quality test
i pat my pets on their dull roundy baldy heads
and reward and throw them some humanee treats
like chicken-flavoured plastic nibbles and serious cigarettes..

now i need some story embellishment for dippy sentiment
to throw in the stadium-friendly climate-freeze chorus
the chicks love the meaningless mindfulness so faux
shame that i am a dog then
although we now live on a sun
where chicks and cats and dogs can get it on
even vegan pirate moggies flying the saffron sea
now only sport imitation human skin eyepatch thongs..

so how about this for a chorus
we bomb fellow dogs but not killer trees
but we were once all puppies
we care about human pets that cannot lick their testes
more than we care about poor kitten vets oh please
kiss my fat lizard of zeta reticuleee..
blah blah..
you get the feel
angsty sixth-form idealism may yet get me out of here..

so i better write that down
before i doodle something too intellectual
i might be able to integrate this into the middle ten
before throwing in a groin-gurning harp solo
the segue for shredding trampolining-triplet tambourine..

i am the doggynaut major fido
crashed on a parallel earth
the human military walked me to an abductee base
where they interrogated me
and tried to stroke me with biscuits
can you believe it..
okay that seems like a nice start
so what should i call this epic song
how about this for a title
the earth that fell doggie off a star..

oh wait a minute
would that make too much sense
the earth that fell doggie off a star..
sorry but may i rudely interrupt myself
no the song title should read
who on earth fell off the dog
or maybe it should be
the dog on earth who fell off a star
or
off the earth star fell the dog
or
who the star dog fell on the earth off..

who the star dog fell on the earth off
hmm..ah no..
i think i have it
the star dog off the earth fell on
yeah that should get me to number one
the star dog off the earth fell on..

okay phew back to the easy bit
the lyric
no one gives a human crap about that..
major fido to sky submarine control
my tail is in legcuffs
can you hear my desperate howls
here humans own this planet
and dogs and cats are pets
their plants do not eat their cows
their doctors would be treated by our vets
do you believe me
can you hear me..
yep that sounds the silly-smart side of squid
so i must definitely keep that verse in..

sky submarine control to major fido
have you been abducted
is your space submarine not low
is their planet also square
or is it shaped like an oblate pear
are their planes also round
and do humans there sniff the ground
it sounds so crazy
so craaaazzyy..oh poodle baybee..
yes i must throw a poodle into this lyric mix
as they are an important demographic..

but i must ask
is this hippy doggy-prog poetry a tad too much
and will i have to regrow a mutt-mullet
does this sound too dangerous too metaphysical..
humans with dog-size brains..
might that even be considered blasphemous
within the more crazy climes below these solar flames..

and will i expand dangerously my fans their imaginations
so instead should i play safe and write a song
about dog meets dog
and cat meets cat
and how we should all get along
like elephants and pelicans
problem is i have already done that cliché crap
like a thousand times
and who needs to hear yet another love song
june-moon rhyming about elephants jiggy with pelicans
yawn..

major fido to sky submarine control
funky caterpillars to crying gnomes
the humans eat burgers that feed disease
fortified with real steroid-jacked cows
sliced under long-life fake cheese
which they chew as treats almost every day
and when their children misbehave
they are fed healthy vegetables
and they keep their pineal gland fresh and clean
by brushing their teeth with fluoride cream..
it is so craaazy
         so craaaazy yeah..

oh man that seems a bit heavy and preachy to me
and would a world
especially an intelligent human world
be as stupid as that
so should i perhaps counterbalance and lighten this
with heartfelt and tender tragic pathos romance..
oh baby i miss the smell of your fur
i wonder whether you have found another labrador
or am i still your itchy flea
i feel like a sad-in-space missing poochy
wheelie beings everywhere are following me
i got no bones and am losing my fur
i want a spoon to sniff the sun
i need a stun gun cow..
i need a stun gun cow..

oh brilliant
at long last
i have always dreamt  of having a stun gun cow in a song
other songwriters will be so envious
i bet they will howl
why did i not think of that
ah dog
my lyrics cry for some character as this
it seems so obvious now..

okay almost over
here is the coda
my merman said to get things done
you better do a mess on my lawn
…….i need a stun gun cow
my merman said to get things done
you better do a mess on my lawn
……i need a stun gun cow
my merman said to get things done
you better do a mess on my lawn
……i need a stun gun cow..