Pornography for Poetry

I buy pornography magazines,
To hide my poetry inside,
But,
If I have a chance,
To have a girl stay over,
I throw all my poems away.
Just in case.

Car Insurers Keep the Faith

Iggy Pop,
Advertises car insurance,
That does not cover other musicians.
Why is this selling out?
Car insurers always cover themselves.

Do You Need a Bag?

Do you need a bag?
Yes please.
You always ask me that question.
And you always answer it the same way.
Oh, I think I understand,
You'd like me to answer in a different way.
Yes, you've picked up the hint.
Got you. Okay, ask me again.
Do you need a bag?
Please, yes.
That's better!

Hey, Suki, Can you put me in one of your so-called poems?
No, definitely not.

I Knew It!

".., So where were you last night?"
She's brushing her hair,
Glazing at my rabbit-in-speed light reflection,
From her dressing room table mirror.

"..I was..uh."
" "Uh"? No! You! Weren't!
Where were you
Really?"
No point in lying,
"I was in a bar near London Bridge..uh.."
This isn't going well..

"And? You weren't with another woman were you?"
No point in lying,
"No,..I.."
She's laughing now,

"You just can't stop yourself can you?

No self control,

When you get the urge you just have to do it,

Don't you?

And I just have to wait for you to finish.

I can have any man I want,

You know that,

And yet I put up with you my darling.

So what happened?

Was it good

How long did it take,

Was it good?"

"Yes, it was good,
It took me twenty minutes,
The first time!
But then I got an unstoppable urge to..
Redo it again and again,
Like a had no choice."

" No choice?
Oh you poor thing,
Held at gun point weren't you?
So what did you get the urge to versify about this time?
Garden gnomes, mad cows, your strange taste in food?"
"All three,
I'm sorry.."
"I knew it.."

"I KNEW IT!"

The Bobble Hat Incident

I'm quite organised,
Usually,
And when I get ready for work,
I collect my keys, my travel card, my work pass and my wallet,
Lying neatly arranged on the mock-Formica,
Ready for me to pick up in the morning.
I also collect my lunch and penis from the fridge,
I place my lunch in my bag,
And my penis in my trouser area (top half).



I remember one time,
Seems like not so long ago,
I accidentally left my penis inside my favourite winter woolly hat,
It needed emergency airing,
After it got drenched by a typically vicious horizontal hail storm,
As did my winter woolly hat.
Anyway,
The next day when I went out with my winter woolly hat on,
I forgot my penis was still nestling snugly inside,
Snoozing, fast asleep,
And,
Well,
Let's just say that something happened,
I'm not going to tell you what happened,
Because it was most embarrassing,
My penis could not stop blushing for four-and-a-half days afterwards,
Which is fair enough if you think about it,
And after that,
I never saw that lollipop lady again.


I do hope she is okay.
Needless to say,
It was never meant to happen.


And to this day my penis refuses,
Refuses,
To talk about,
What we have come to refer to as,
"The bobble hat incident."

That worries me.

Oh, this weather.

The bobble hat is currently at the dry cleaners.

Okay..thanks

A couple of years ago she cheated on me,
And now she regards me as her most trusted friend.

Ouch,
And,
Ouch again.

This Poem Doesn't Really Work For Me

This poem doesn't really work for me.

And the opening line is so promising..

I Eat Tomato Puree on Toast, I Use it Instead of Jam

I eat tomato puree on toast,
I use it instead of jam.

And, incidentally,
What a wonderful tube of toothpaste this is,
The tube I'm clutching in my hand,
Almost like it's a bunch of flowers.
And ironically this does taste of jam,
Toothpaste flavoured jam.
Now isn't that interesting?

As I was saying,
I eat tomato puree on toast,
I use it instead of jam.

For Britain is in the Grip of Slightly Bad Weather (yet again)

For Britain is in the grip of slightly bad weather,
Yet again!
Oh my God.
Could get slightly worse,
Could get slightly better,
Yet again!
Nearly aquatic conditions may prevail,
A mermaid's dew cover pavements like a dangerous chiffon veil,
Polar bears may bring a stand-still to the rail,
Your eBay garden gnomes delayed for a few minutes in the mail.
For Britain is in the grip of slightly bad weather,
Yet again!

Penguin lampshade,
Subutteo marmalade,
Vegan mayonnaise.
Yet again!

Ode to My Vegetable Samosa

Oh,
And Oh again..

Oh, you're so inviting,
With your light brown slightly crispy corners,
You're such a cheeky triangle,
Minty, and coriandery,
You entice my saucy condiments,
Your translucent bronze sari skin wraps and teases,
Cumin sin fragrance releases.
And as I dip your points in my cucumber raita,
Your lingual volcano kisses my melting snow.

Roasting, spicy,
That will do nicely,
Veg delightful,
A mouthful of you,
An eyeful,
Transcendental Eiffel Trifle.
Ooh you are a cheeky triangle.

Is This Deep Fried Chocolate Pizza Organic?

Is this deep-fried chocolate pizza organic?
I sincerely hope so.
And is the chip fat it's fried in organic?
I sincerely hope so.

Is this sheath prophylactic biodegradable?
My eroticism, thus, rain forest sustainable?
Has this boiled alive lobster been boiled alive cruelty-free?
And has that animal over there been beheaded tenderly?
I sincerely hope so.