Not Ships Exactly

We were dodgems that crashed in the night,
And while were seeing stars,
We also span stars.

A Silly Stream Of Consciousness

A silly stream of consciousness,
A steam train of lozenges,
A lounge lizard,
David Attenborough in a jazz club - nice.
Granny bingo militia,
Bono,
God no,
Not Bono.

Bees of Borneo.

A silly stream of consciousness,
Soporific sonata,
Ballet/belly dancer,
Carmen Electra,
Ornithologist.

One big owl.

This poem is a poem,
Poem poem poem poem,
And you have lovely ears,
Especially when you put on your lipstick,
Poem poem poem poem,
I've loved the smell of ladies' lipstick,
Ever since I was a small young man of three.

And before I take my leave,
May I say,
How deeply impressed I am,
With these petit pois peas:
Flavoursome spangles these,
I don't wish to go on about it!

Land ahoy!
Our stream of consciousness journey,
Is at an end,
Beautiful friend,
This is the end,
I love the taste of petit pois peas in the morning.

Can't Speak French

She's a performance poet,
That wants us to know she knows French,
So she's reading her poem in English,
And now she switches into French,
Oh, and now back into English again,
And now back into French,
See.

I think it's about Iraq and Afghanistan.
No.
Maybe it's about two lovers of hers?
Not quite sure,
And,
She's finished,
(I think),
Yes, she's finished,
Definitely,
Because she says "that's it..",
I understood that bit.
An applause smatters,
And she sits back down again.

That's it.

Totally Chilled

We should never take out our personal frustrations,
On our colleagues,
No. That's just plain wrong -
We should reserve that for the people we love!
Laughed the human resources consultant.
And with that,
Another conflict-management training day,
Was brought to a successful,
And enlightening conclusion.

And with a new spring in my step,
I bounded homeward,
Smiling.
And with the sun still shining,
And the birds still a-twittering,
(Like they do in happy, life-affirming poems),
I opened my door,
Ran up to my loved-ones,
And beat them to a pulp!

Laughing,
I then threw all their assorted,
And utterly defenceless furry pets,
Off the cliff!

And you know what?
When I went to work the next day,
I didn't let any work-colleague wind me up anymore,
And I took out my frustrations on no-one;
In fact all my frustrations seemed to have magically disappeared!

I felt totally chilled.
Just totally chilled.

Open Mike

Colder than a dentist's surgery
on a Monday morning,
In touch with his feminine side,
Like Genghis Khan on crack,
He's a stand-up comedian with a twinkle in his eye:
A jewel that sparkles,
With all the humanity,
Of mercury on baby-food.

More evil alien-reptilian-humanoid hybrid,
Than David Icke's worst fears,
He talks a slick game-show host,
His shtick wants to rip your asshole a new ear.
He hates because he cares,
About the cruelty of life,
He wants to open you
to his spiritual truth,
(And when you're not looking),
Open the legs of your wife.

Heterosexual Bishop Shocker

When gay bishops are "exposed",
Why are they only exposed in the Sunday tabloid press?
Do editors believe gay bishop "shock exposes",
Carry an especial resonance,
Appropriate for revelation,
Only on the Good Lord's day of rest?
Bless.

The day the Sunday papers expose,
And "out",
England's first heterosexual bishop "romp",
Well that truly will be a shocker!
Maybe they have a secret hetero-bishop hit-list,
But they're currently keeping mum,
Perhaps the twenty-first century,
Isn't yet able to deal,
With an heterosexual bishop's in flagrante delicto fun.

Broken-Heart Emoticon

Menu,
Messaging,
Write new,
Options,
Broken-heart emoticon,
Add,
Continue,
Recipient,
Send..

Your message read,
Your message deleted.

...No new messages

...No new messages

...No new messages

The end.

Vase

I broke their vase.
It wasn't easy.

"God I'm sorry" I said.

Well,
Good manners cost nothing.

A New Way Of Doing Jerusalem

"..and in the national interest,
We,
The politicians,
Feel duty bound,
To put aside,
Our petty differences,
And allegiances,
In order to reach a satisfactory compromise,
In this new spirit of unity,
That history demands of us,
In these precarious,
And uncertain,
Economic times.."

..And,
Eavesdropping,
In Westminster's secret connecting passageways,
The thronging, sinister Easter bunnies,
Cheered, danced and sang..

Sunglasses

If we had to soak in the colours,
Through our childhood eyes,
Even at night,
We would reach out for sunglasses.

King Baby Fairy

Hey little Tommy,
Can you come here and sit down?
Your mother and I need to talk to you.

No,
Don't worry,
You've haven't done anything wrong,
It's just that your mother and I,
Believe that it's about time,
You knew about,
The Real Facts of Life,
You know:
About where babies really come from.

Tomorrow Tommy you are twelve,
And we have to admit,
That everything we told you so far,
Up to now,
About babies,
And where babies come from,
Was not strictly true Tommy,
We're sorry..

Mums and dads make these stories up,
To protect little children,
So they can enjoy their childhood in innocence,
Believing that little babies,
Are conceived,
In fairy tales:
You know: drunken but loving one-night-stand relationships,
That kind of thing..

Maybe you believe Tommy,
That you were conceived one winter's night,
When Father Christmas,
And a Premiership footballer,
Had a spit-roasting session with your mother,
In a cordoned-off v.i.p area,
Of an exclusive nightclub.
Is that what you think Tommy?
Is that how you think you were made?
Oh, you do.
Well no Tommy, that's not strictly true,
That didn't actually happen I'm afraid..

So here are the real Facts of life Tommy:
Adults do not conceive children,
By having ecstatic, rampant, meaningless and sordid sex.
Ha! Ha! No.
The truth is Tommy,
In the real world,
Sex doesn't really exist,
It's a totally made up thing:

It's never happened.
In fact you Tommy,
Like all children,
Were actually delivered to us by the King Baby Fairy,
Yes that's right:
The King Baby Fairy.
The King Baby Fairy.
The King Baby Fairy.
And one of his little helpers,
Will visit you tomorrow,
To explain,
As you will be twelve.
You see the King Baby Fairy's helpers,
Always visit children when they are twelve,
To explain everything to them,
About The Real Facts of Life..

Now Tommy you look a little stunned:
No, that's right Tommy,
Sex doesn't exist,
Not at all.
Premiership footballers and celebrities,
Don't exist either,
Are you disappointed?

Now obviously,
Your mother and I realise this is a lot to take in,
So don't be shy Tommy,
Ask us anything you like..

Xanadu

Why aren't you networking?
Why don't you have any profiles?
Where are all your pictures,
Your legends?
You're not proving anything you know.

Ah, maybe you're in love?
Are you,
In love?
Oh,
But how long will that last,
Realistically?

Come on now,
Join the communities:
Almost billions of them.
You never need make new friends,
Messily,
In the old-fashioned, in-your-face way, ever again:
Time-wasting!
Recruit via inner space,
Gracefully,
Situationally:
The beginning and the end.

Once sited,
You will never be deleted,

So,
Inoculate yourself against mortality,
Personalise your existence.
Widget your apps,
Snoop on yourself with our maps,
Select up to ten thousand friends:
Reply,
Reject,
Ban,
Resend,
Report,
Pretend,
Ineluctable friend,

Click,
Open:
Xanadu.