Nailed On The River Styx

Some glide, some slide,
And some couples list from both sides,
Energy drink fugue fried,
Glow worms on boards swiftly unglued by the night,
A babbling brook of dreaming lips steam-open the frazzled,
And closed circuit dollies shall frack their eyes.

Glittering indigo swans card shuffle the dawn
slim-line nascent functioning forms;
The store fronts' knee-deep teardrop lights
glow with the reckoning:
Inkling herds concussed with ultraviolet kisses,
The neon wash of cobalt, fuchsia, oyster and saffron hues,
Their shopping bags which shimmer
withhold intelligent tags resounding with personal news to lose..

Earphones wash the tumbling ice rink sonics of youth -
The white noise smeared illusions,
Fancifully duct taped with lip-read truths:
Cinnamon fairy tales of moon/June travails and trampled over glamour;
The vapouriser aspirations paint a palate of crowbar colours.
Defunct holy grails mist in laser guided vapour trails -
This planet's constellations of hurt sailed,
And embers stoke and smoke desires and wishes,
Burning,
The burned burn those bridges..

With purpose, the legions parched return their unwanted gifts,
Spilt back inside their glass plastic sense,
I'll be good for your gold, perhaps,
if you'll allow a cash refund for this myrrh and frankincense..

Duty Of Care - Extreme Combat

Staff Notice

Dear all
Please take this refresher advice as a friendly reminder
Of our protocol for calling in sick
Which is 

In the first instance call the shift supervisor
Inform them why you are unable to attend your shift
Be as clear as possible
The more information the better
We don't need to hear a blues lyric
Only the truth
This information will of course remain confidential
And will only be passed on
to the internal interested parties and relevant stake holders
As deemed appropriate

In addition to calling the shift supervisor
Please call the assistant manager on duty
Or leave a message with the manager
If the assistant manager isn't on duty
However
Please note
If the manager is not in
Please do not leave a message on their answer phone
This is no longer acceptable
In point of fact it never ever was
Instead speak to the senior manager on duty
This is all part of our Duty of Care
To ensure we are able to do all we can
To encourage and assist with your well being
The assistant manager has been informed to escalate this chain accordingly

Please note that if you are adamant to call in unwell for your shift
We may call you at home
This is only to check on the progress of your recovery
This too is part of our Duty of Care
We may be able to offer you assistance and advice
On how you might be able to attend a later shift on the same day
Affording you the opportunity to perform lighter duties
As part of our
Duty of Care

If you still insist on being unwell for the whole day
Please on your return fill in the Return to Work form
And bring it to a shift supervisor
Who will book a Back to Work Interview appointment with you
With your immediate line manager
Where you will be offered the opportunity to discuss your absence
With them
A member of occupational health might also attend
Should it be deemed appropriate
And of course a human resources adviser
Will be informed should there be any issues arising
That require a more tailored intervention and monitoring
This is all part of our Duty of Care

Please also bring your notes of your day's sickness
To your next six month review
This is to help you refresh your memory
Of your sickness
And we may discuss and go over the relevant factors
This should take no more than half an hour
This is all part of our Duty of Care to you
While you remain an employee

I Broke The Office Paper Shredder The Day Before Yesterday

i broke the office paper shredder the day before yesterday
and needless to say
the cruel word has spread around the office town
i broke the office paper shredder
i arrived to work yesterday
and there was an awkward tea point silence
nothing was said you understand
but there was that definite vibe
similar to one of those who jammed the photocopier vibes
you know the drill
precisely like a more bloody episode of the wire

i opened an email
did you break the office paper shredder
did you inform anyone
it took us nearly thirty five minutes to fix it..so i'm guessing that means it took them up to thirty four minutes
..it took us nearly thirty five minutes to fix it
also you must have folded the paper in half before shredding
why
please respond asap
we never thought you would be capable of doing something so..
 
i responded guilty
i'm guilty and i'm sorry
i didn't know i jammed it
i'm sure the paper went through
and i never folded it either
or if i did it was an oversight
it wasn't on purpose
it's not like i'm some kind of terrorist
oh we'll be the judge of that
will you please step outside..
now as i have a day off today
i shall only find out tomorrow night whether
this case will be escalated
to the hr herbal tea bag jihadis
perhaps i should get the union involved
perhaps i should ask for a priest of my denomination
i'm in trouble
no doubt about it
it's karma isn't it
i will be reincarnated as a jammed sheet of shredded paper
and this poem won't help
it might make things even worse
as if they can get any worse
lord krishna please forgive me
i'll work on opening my third eye from tomorrow
i promise
i'll even work on opening my eyelids

i broke the office paper shredder
it lay broken  for nearly thirty five minutes
i received an email
i could see that all the important management people were also copied in
i'm gonna bleed
i'm wondering now
while on my day off today
who they have also 
forwarded and cc'd and bcc'd
no doubt you too will soon receive that email
loaded with coded comments not so veiled
i must take ownership of my sin
perhaps save myself from being thrown head down
in the man's recycle bin
it's morning but i need a drink

i broke the office paper shredder
it lay broken for nearly thirty five minutes
they knew it was me
because they looked inside the shredder
yes they actually looked inside the shredder
and they recognised that particular brand of coloured paper
that we use only for the committee rooms
and they knew i would have been the one to shred those sheets
there's no point in denying it either
they might have already checked the cctvit must gone down all csi
they must have taken prints dna ultraviolet
and as i live in the uk
i can't take the fifth or plea bargain
or drive to mexico
or become a guy stripper in vegas
where will it end
is this what i have worked for
is all this dust meant to only turn to
dust
the office gossipers have me in their twerking grips
those smirking smug ninja pixies
their dead eyes swinging from their hips...


on a positive note
although i'm a middle aged man
is this breaking the office paper shredder
that lay broken for nearly thirty five minutes remember
my rock star moment
will the office ladies see me now as that edgy guy
hey look it's that guy the he broke the office paper shredder guy
i just wanna rip my clothes off
i just don't care
a man like that loses control for a reason
he's probably misunderstood
he probably writes really deep poetry
or does something even worse than that
he has that tortured million mile stare and everything
and to think
i always just used to walk right past him
when will i learn
when will i learn..

Freedom Fries

this poem is dedicated to all the victims of the recent paris attacks
and as we all eat our freedom fries
at concerts and sporting events
let us salute their flag

this poem is dedicated to all the victims of the recent paris attacks
facebook and google have painted themselves tricolour
for a few hours

this poem is dedicated to all the victims of the recent paris attacks
we are all french now
they are so much like us
now
and for the next few soundbite moments

this poem is dedicated to all the victims of the recent paris attacks
but this poem is not dedicated to the more recent victims of the mali attacks
to be honest i don't even know what their flag looks like
do you
no concerts
no silence at football matches
no candles
no special facebook button
no reporters overcome with emotion

this poem is dedicated to the victims of the recent paris attacks
but not the victims of boko haram
or the yazidi communities wiped out by the salafists of saudi arabia
considering everything would it not make a whole more sense if we sung the saudi national anthem
we are all saudi now
not houthi
or doctors tortured in bahrain

this poem is dedicated to the victims of the recent paris attacks
not the people we and our allies ourselves daisy bombed to bits in iraq afghanistan yemen or libya
like those patients and medics slaughtered in a hospital a few weeks ago with american friendly fire
no anthem for them
no shimmering candles
no earnest entertainers
just a sorry we will try not to do it yet again
again
there may be a cheque after due diligence if you make no trouble and go away
no tears for you
no way
because this means war

this poem is dedicated to the victims of the recent paris attacks
but not the two thousand who died last year in gaza
the five hundred and fifty one children
no songs or poems for them
we were never all palestinian then
no minutes silence for nairobi
we were never kenyan at football matches
the few dozen in lebanon also murdered last week
mentioned on the news
in brief
after the sports
before the weather
yet i don't remember any of our politicians turning lebanese

this poem is dedicated to all the victims of the recent paris attacks
and as we all eat our freedom fries
at concerts and sporting events
let us salute their flag
but probably not the next's

Wordless Whisper

language the poor cover tune for pure thought
words the tune the words toys
language a poor substitute for the music
the wordless music wordless
the music is the light the stark freedom sheer
the words are at best only as good as the words

gold fire lifts the linking stars to your skin
alighting the stations through your eyes
your lashes like distant cranes drop molten tears igniting
my rivers of nights 

rush to your palace rising
rest in the shade of the pinnacle
my wash of mind has soaked a thousand torched dreams
whose visions only ash under the cold menace of all the cruel machinery
gift me forgive the fateful hour and proof
i am another awol prodigal son
i return with your one-way ticket to burn
how abysmal we give our lives in the spilt and spilling water of eyes stroking hours
yet one day this whisper offered the eternal second's bliss
without warning and in a flash
here the is
a trillionth of the grain of the wordless

A Stranger Holds Your Hand

A stranger holds your hand
Grips it tightly
They are just holding on
to your hand
They don't want anything from you
The stranger doesn't want to hurt you
The stranger is giving something to you
And you most likely won't see them again

Free Drugs

If you say no to drugs
Pretend you've said yes
That way you can blame the drugs
If you've made a bit of a mess

I Am Component

I am component
I am a
part

A clicking clinking trinket
A sliver of light in another rolled up wave

I live night in
Inside in
I deliver human
humanish

I clutch the strings that bind
If they loosen I'm my skin unnatural on my bone
The only way I feel at home is when I place my earphones on
Wherever I place my earphones that's my home
There's no place like earphones

I fell as the component
I once believed I only need to imagine
And there together we'd celebrate our strangeness

Now integrated slaves
Even though strays
Here's a cv
Baptised with the water from in-ashtrays
The stare of nothing
I pace

Sanguine so hopeless
This twenty-first century
The charmed epoch of aloneness
At least when I blush I'm on my own
I have this affect on alcohol
There's no place like earphones
Hear yourself fall
And flash by a reflecting android
He's still got his earphones on
He's still got his earphones on

Fearporn Orgasmatron

Enmesh your head with the End Game practitioners
As they crack open the codices of Saturn's cube vicars
Where there are shills
Are trolls
Mainstream lickers who answer the call
Hollywood stars flipping the masonic steeple
Showbiz is showbiz for ugly people
The debunkers wear plaid for an downside-up crown
Name-calling to snare the ghouls with a frown
So put on your helmet and wave your pom poms
You've just entered the Fearporn Orgasmatron

                                                                                    ON it's on as it's always on

Fearporn Orgasmatron
Where every day some new apocalypse wriggling is born
The Mayans just got the date wrong
Monument Six
Or six six six
The mark of the beast
Celebrities scratching an itch
A sacrifice
A witch hunt
Or the breakdown of a hoaxathon
Crisis actors' marathon with firecracker-perforated ear drums
There are the stills
There's the fake blood
There's an exclusive
To bubble-boil and simmer the rolling funding
So really who are the brave
Choose wisely the subversive thoughts that might form
Ever so tricky an assignment even outside the Fearporn Orgasmatron

You show me your Planet X
I raise you my Fukushima
You show me the chemtrails like a dance of diffusing feather boas
Undulating rainbow hues inject a strontium sky
The strange orbs that form
The planes with reflective paint dye
And if this conspiracy is a lie
Then which lie is The Lie
Subscribe share
Lock your door
Have three years of water
And prayer
Or
Pray and wait
My personal apocalypse brand might be late
It takes time to fate that perfect storm
Such are the dream-drains drop-shipping limpid sink holes
Fearporn Orgasmatron

                                                                                    always on always it's always ON
Fearporn Orgasmatron
Where everyone's either a racist or a politically-correct liberal moron
A misogynist or a feminazi
A true patriot or a treacherous fifth-columnist
Subtlety and shade
Complexity and minds changed
The science here is horny impotent rage
If they disagree they are simply wrong
My truth is the only truth inside the Fearporn Orgasmatron

                                                                                      you too can always be ON         go on
Contrails with their boots on
Predictive programming verses the confirmation bias riddle
Angels or Lucifer or the NWO neoconNeos itchy with the boot-up trigger
Is it written in your scriptures
Or subliminally hidden in the pictures
Is it in the barcodes
Or slipped inside Scanners
                                     These pixels
Is it the NSA Isis or Mossad
I'll go to the right channel
With a damp towel of fevered cucumbers wrapped tightly around my head
I am the messiah of my matrix
A lone wolf correctly attired inside my crystal shed
I'm better off dead than dead
I think lots of thoughts as deep as this
My Zen of Said
Hear my words
Then batten down the hatches
I am Alpha and Omega and Zeta Reticuli
Please think of funding me
I am broke for meds
But how I shall help you stakeholders see..

ii) Cute Kittens and Genocide

Fearporn Orgasmatron
It's a child who has just uploaded her cute kitten playing the piano
                                                                       then strumming a toy banjo..
Well don't we all need a sprinkle of levity
A little light relief
Laughter is a wonderful thing
Let's read the humorous children's comments beneath
Blindfolded
It starts off with the supportive mum's comment LOL
But the thread intellectually compromises itself a full two replies later
When the other responsible adults join to play
        Here's the first debater
the Chinese eat kittens I knew a waiter
STFU you probably eat cows comes a quickfire riposte
reply you STFU if it wasn't for us you'd be speaking German
    reply I am German
              reply prove it
            reply Troll
                          reply  troll

And so on it goes..

                                   reply the Chinese occupy Tibet so They are the worst genocidal maniacs of all time
And They eat dogs worse Israel bombz Palestine
                                                               reply  you stfu really what about the British empirabsolutely millionsdied churchill and the Bengal famine look it up some time
                                                                        reply   wdum stfu?!?

                                                                                   reply  sixty million native Americans
                                                                              Now that's a proper atrocity LOL..
                                     reply LOL!!
                                                                                 reply STFU
                                                                                                               reply  LOL
                                                                           and
The confused seven-year-old girl has just written
                                                                           Asking
                                                                                         Get ready for this                                                                                                         reply  What do think of my kitten?

Well
From the mouths of children..

I think I need a wash
I think I need to cry
I'll climb the blue walls that try for the bleeding sky
I think I need to watch a shopping channel
A place of gentle humanity
Where attractive middle-aged presenters sell lifetime-guarantee bargain Christmas trees
                                                                                                       It must be January

But you know what it's like
Once you learn how to be the zen rabbit in your chosen headlights
..Swivel salute selfie salivate swivel

It's the kill-shot coronal mass ejection
It's a fundamentalist's hate erection
Or it's a god-atheist mild paedophilia hectoring tweet thing
Who has had a go at Catholics previously
There's the magic of interweb binary irony
It's a Prison Planet and Firmament thing
It's a flat earth NASA shell game
It's school girls selling anorexia
It's a suicidal survivalist praying for an apocalypse
That never seems to arrive
it must be a test of faith i must reread between the lines
                                          i'm not worrying three will probably come along at the same time
                                                                                                         in numerological design

It's another false flag
It's another grooming Channel Jihad
It's yet another celebrity leak
See how she wants it so bad
It's another former actor on crack
It's an alien attack
It's seven seconds of an ad
Seven seconds you will never get back
I can count the astronauts' bubbles
As upside-down they hang like..
                                              Well like upside-down hanging bats
                                                         Hmmm
So what do I think about that..Six amazing things you never knew lobsters could do
One perfect trick for getting killer abs for your genitalia
Eighteen reasons why Katie Perry is really a vampire slayer
Fourteen more unprovable facts about Tupac
The Queen is a lizard
                          yeah you knew thatOPINION PIECE ******* ********* Ate My Penguin and Why I forgave him
 For we are all sinners.....

comment
     It's political correctness gone mad....The greens only care about penguins because some are half-black so why don't they say anything about the half-white ones!!?!
no I thought so..so not surprised you liberalz havn't replyed back..

                                                                         On oN ON

Fearporn Orgasmatron
The accidents of intelligence of the human species on race
The transhumanist agenda is a sleeper cell hidden coiled inside my toothpaste
Cortana is scary there's no getting away
Bill Gates' vaccines
Abbotabad and the CIA
Bin laden thrown into an ocean
My tin foil hat is floating in the waves
Of fluoride and aspartame and face palms
God save Jeremy Corbyn
He has to see the queen
I'm going to eBay Jerusalem

Fearporn Orgasmatron
A kaleidoscope of id-visionary
A cocktail stick of diamond
Pizza and energy drink
The night breathes deserting air
Wanderers stalking for the lost to lead
Hope in the believing subscriber
The white screen noise the word and screed
And every comedian you've never heard of
No fear of an ad hominum planet
The outlier mainstream love-in
The spin of yin and yang
Cern's answer to the big bang
Nostradamus' never never go to Geneva
And if we're still here revise the time and place
Fearporn Orgasmatron is kind that way
Another upload another timeline
It's another day

Fearporn Orgasmatron
Tepco Melting Starfish Time (TMST)
Locusts dropping bread
Did you just call my favourite follower a dickhead
Here's another unboxing of the cult of Apple
The gravity of sponsored newtonian-like propaganda
NULL
It's the push of marketing pull
And alas another misguided child a criminal
Or stabbed glassed
For a fistful of plastic that tags you
And talking about the price tag
Swish army knife
Just do it and get life
Fearporn Orgasmatron
Quantum metadata viral nanobot persondoms and forms
Consume shall eat itself
Window shoppers left like abandoned muses deafened by the screaming shelf..

Fearporn Orgasmatron
           It's always on
It's the fun of the everything like thought matters
                                          Edgar Allen Poe bungie jumping with crows
                       Wounded on Google Maps
         Spam of Manga

             Ping pong balls bounce inside the empty submarine
                         The next serial killer shall share a dismal dream
         His unrequited Reality quenched drips ice 
The next serial killer shall share some life
          A selfie within some guns
  Another lone gunman who lived like a nun
               The middle west or the middle east
                        Get a piece ~ peace
                ..he always kept himself to himself
     he never hurt a fly until he...
                         he must have had a screw loose..
                              if only the priest had had a gun..
                                   it's a second amendment issue..

Drill and arm your mind to the teeth
                                               Roll right along and weave your patterns And waves and waves
                                                                                                   The slipstreams of pain
                                                                   Purple Haze Methane rising shall Save
                                                                      surroundsoundmachineslaves
           Burning the midnight lamp inside any number of Mystery Trains

15 Years After I Had Sex With A Palanput

15 years after I had sex with a palanput
Even if I say so myself
That's a great title for a poem isn't it
A real world-beater
It was there floating confetti-like in the poetry ether
And I grabbed onto it like a panther
15 years after I had sex with a palanput

15 years after I had sex with a palanput
Poetry titles like this only come once a blue moon
I went online to search palanput
And nothing returned
I caught a made-up word
Well how about that
15 years after I had sex with a palanput

15 years after I had sex with a palanput
14 years doesn't sound right
16 years seems too distant
15 years after I had sex with a palanput
Was it in a plant pot
Palanput/plant pot
John Lennon would have been proud of that one

15 years after I had sex with a palanput
Will poetry readers palanput up with this
It will either be a big hit or a big miss
15 years after I had sex with a palanput
This might be the most original poetry title I shall ever write
Now the boring bit
Thoughts words lines

 

The Moment's Sight

Everything lost lost again
A sculptur embraces a melting snowman
Everything lost lost again
That fleeting glimpse locks the moment’s sight
That terrible second or so

Everything lost lost again
Embers ash underline the emptied lines
Everything lost lost again
Where time unhinges so cruelly a random reminder
There
A threadful of nothing to seam

Everything lost lost again
A small paragraph for you there spoken in volumes
Everything lost lost again
A pristine photograph framed in a dark room
The wordless secret laughed by spies

No melodrama but my inside-to-fade
A swedish TV detective frozen
Holding on to a pebble
Standing in the sift and waves

There
I’m not even sure that was you

Radiohead's New Album: Gainful Employment in a Philistine World - Song Titles and Artwork

11 penguins inside your pillow

diffi cult c ard tric  k

minimax

antibiotics for everyone  !

                                       in my                                  toothpaste

                  a
                    stra
                          phobia

thank you for reporting a fake troll

hoax majure

g
  l
   i
     mmer
                                            trampoline casino

                   xylophones and
 frankincense

stud farm moon landing/nodding dog drone

strychnine lopped hedgerows

                                                                                 i am the stickman (song for brent)

 radiohead


           gainful employment in a philistine world

Mind That Child

Mind that child
Which child
The Baby On Board child in the back of my car
How do you wish me to mind them
Drive carefully
My child is in the back of my car
Should I knock over the other children
Yes
That would be helpful
The school I wish my child to attend is over-subscribed
Don't quote me
The nuns

Unfortunately I don't have a driving licence
So I cannot drive a car
It would be against the law
So I'm not allowed to knock over the other children
It's probably in the highway code

Well I wish you had said that in the beginning
Are you a psychopath or something

Post Rock Song Titles That Probably Don't Exist But Probably Should (A List Poem, Part 1)

Fish to the Sound of Neptune
Synonymous Acropolis
Falling Off Crystals
Purgatory Daffodil in Musk
Gemini Gerbil
Livid Contract Negotiations in a Quarry
Eyewash for my Snowflakes
As Her Hand Grips the Atom Smasher I Run into an Exploding Volcano
Screaming at Triangles
Song with Insufficient Form
I LOve Her Like Zero Loves INfinity
Your God Hates Mirrors
Uncomfortable Guitar Shapes
Khartoum Lap Dancer
The Tip of Time in a Blade of Glass

I Broke the Internet
Helped by People Living on Stranger Worlds
Your Ectoplasm, My Face
The Nuclear Fission of Nuns is Present
I Fell in Love with a Forbidden Archaeologist but She Fell in Love with an Exo-EgyptologistThe Hindu Goddess of the Delay Pedal Drinks Rose Milk

Granny Farm Stage 3 (Fat Chance)
She Points to Orion as this Earth Melts
The Sound of Ten Thousand Ears
Filament/Bingo Atrocity
Brand New Cardigan for My Fata Morgana
My Ears See My Eyes Listen
Revenge of the Vegan Lobsters
Corn Circle Bottleneck Blues
Six Seconds of Silence for Two Minutes
In Praise (of British Dentists)
Shoot those Asterisks at my Heart
Effects Affect Effects
Ultraterrestrials in Devon
If Goldfish Played Guitar

Liminal Turpentine
I Smoke Chemtrails
Is That Supposed To Mean Something?
She's a Blow-up Sheep (but She Loves You)
Tell Me About My Childhood
Forms of Boredom at Prayer
89% of a Ming Vase
Lozenge Picnic in an Elephant Graveyard
Bill Oddie Accidentally Killed My Badger Part 2 (Extended Version)

Tulip Abuse on the Web (Shills on the Seashore)
Ununpentium (A Tribute To Bob Lazar)
Unpronounceable and Single
Pituitary Argonaut
NasaAstroturf/The Moon is a Flat Earth

Magenta Apollinaire
O
Glue Mermaids on Sax
Acoustic Feedback at Cern
My Soul is in Kilos
12:32 Sonic Integer
No Aspartame, No Crime
Smoke Signals for a Predictive Programmer Apocalypse
Sink Holes of Helsinki
Infinity Plus One Equals Zero Minus Time Squared
Yoga 4 Yetis
Chords Across the Rubicon
Killer Cheerleaders Never Die
Petal Crush Smoothie
Gandhi and Buddha Smash up a Hotel Room with a Candy Floss Light Saber
Of Neon
Mad Cow Rodeo (Who Stole the Sports Tyres from my UFO?)

etcetera..


*If any of these titles are real please let me know; I don't want to get sued for copywrite infringement

**No offence to post rock bands who hate being categorised as such; it seems to upset them 

***Examples of the genre: GSYBE, Sigor Ros, Mogwai, Explosions in the Sky, Beta Band, Cheryl Cole..
 

Papadum Sommelier Redux

Inside Indian bleeding edge vegetarian Restaurant Go! Transcendental Yeti Goddess
Attractive couple at table reading menu. Intimate, chilled, sophisticated vibe, subdued lighting and candlelight. Indian ambient jazz music gently waft over everyone..

Elegantly dressed man walks up to a couple's table. This is Shashi, Papadum Sommelier extraordinaire..

Shashi: Good evening, my name is Shashi, your papadum sommelier for this evening. Would you like to order?

Man: Oh yes, thank you. We're impressed with your extensive papadum list I have to say. I haven't even tried most of these.

Shashi: Sir, thank you. I can confidently argue that our papadum list is the finest in Shoreditch. All our papadums are hand-made, especially flown in from India and Nepal especially for our London Shoreditch clients.

Woman: Do you have a papadum special?

Shashi: We do. Today's papadum is "Mumbai Platinum". I'll fetch one for you if you would like a tasting..

Woman: Oh that would be lovely.

Shashi leaves to collect a "Mumbai Platinum" papadum.

Woman: gorgeous restaurant darling.

Man: Thank you. It comes highly recommended. If you haven't eaten a papadum here, they say, you haven't eaten a papadum anywhere..in Shoreditch.

Woman: Oh darling, you think of everything.

Shashi returns pushing a tray table on wheels. On top of the tray is a covered dish. Shashi puts on some white gloves and carefully pulls back the dish cover, and voila! we see the Mumbai Platinum papadum sparkling on its silver plate. Shashi then very carefully picks up the Mumbai Platinum papadum, and holds it before the couple, showing one side of the papadum, then the other..

Man: That's lovely.

Woman: It's very pretty isn't it?

Shashi: The Mumbai Platinum is a light papadum, indeed so light its calories are in minus figures. You practically lose weight eating these. By the end of this evening you'll be floating.

Couple laugh.

Shashi: The top notes of Mumbai..are distilled fenugreek over atomised saffron bay leaf, with a dimpled cumin aftertaste, very very for the palate. The middle notes reflect its linear counterpoint - simply, pink cardamom with a sheer coral turmeric powdering. The flip side of the Mumbai Platinum lies puffed parcel occlusion centering liminal cucumber peppercorns at her base. One whole organic peppercorn utilised per papadum... All our papadums are organically grown and fair trade..

Man: That's good to hear..Yes I'd like a tasting. And darling?

Woman: Yes, let's try.

Shashi takes the papadum lists from the couple, handing it to another staff member. Shashi then places the Mumbai Platinum papadum very delicately back on its dish, then places the dish with the same care onto their table. He then pulls from his pocket an ornate and very small golden hammer. Shashi holds the hammer a few centimetres above the papadum and closes his eyes, seemingly in intense meditative concentration. The hammer hits the Mumbai Platinum papadum, and the papadum cracks. The couple applaud, indeed the whole restaurant politely applaud. Shashi shyly acknowledges, then takes a sliver of papadum and puts one each on the couple's plates.
Shashi then offers them a strange-looking small spoon.

Shashi: Madam, sir, here are your papadum scoop spoons.

With the spoon the couple take the sliver from the plate, smiling, delighted. The couple eat their sample. Both look ecstatic as the flavours and tastes roll around their tongue.

Man: This is just delightful. We'll have one!

Woman: Darling, let's have two!

Man: Why not. Let's go crazy! Yes, we'll have two papadums!

Shashi: Great choice sir, madam!

A Labour Leadership Contest Candidate Reaches Out

conference
i've been a member for as long as i can remember
i've always believed in things recently..

we've had that traumatic election result
where we were all but wiped out in scotland and even london
they sent us a message
and the message they sent us was this..

..is that we need to stay in the centre
and this we need to remember
now and forever
the scots of the north wanted us to stay in the centre
and the zero-hours people of east and south london
and we let them all down

principles are reasonably necessary at least some of the time
principles though don't..
don't put secretaries on the table
don't put us in those positions..

the hard-working families
not the scroungers

the hard working families
not the scroungers
i can't say that enough

justice and fairness need to be balanced against financial constraints of the real world
we must have some justice and fairness
yes
but too much and we could end up..

fairness only makes sense if you have some unfairness
justice only happens when you have injustice
so we need some unfairness and injustice
but only moderate unfairness and injustice
that's the new third way
you could call it a fourth third way
the new new labour way
if you vote for me
i pledge i will try and deliver that pledge not a promise
a pledge that together we will
fight for uh..

and let's hear it for the hard-working families
not the scroungers
i'm surprised i haven't said that already..
 
we need to defend our country against threats
that's why i promise
the only promise i will make to you conference
that come hell or high water
i will waste no more that one hundred billion pounds on trident
and if more than one hundred billion pounds is wasted i will be very cross indeed
that's the kind of tough-talking labour leader i will be
prudent with your money
i will try to waste no more than one hundred billion pounds on trident
remember we still live in a post-austerity austerity society
that will be with us an eternity
a cruel world of uncaged disbelief requires someone like me
to be sensible with your trident money..

at this point i would like to reach out to uh
the demographic hard-working families
not the scroungers
 
yes people like houses
i like houses too
they're great
some people live in houses
i would like more people to live in those houses
but we need to defend ourselves first
and then we can have people in houses
people need to feel secure in houses
and the best way of doing that
is to spend one hundred billion pounds
but not a penny more
on trident
not houses

may i mention at this point
the hard-working families
not the scroungers

imagine if you will
that the economy is a gateau
you know one of those german not french ones
a black forest gateau
with cream on the top and a chocolate base
and some sprinkled icing on the sides
nice isn't it?
well no it isn't
because if you sit on that gateau
and i mean that not in the literal sense
but by squashing it
the cream in the gateau squirts out the side doesn't it?
well we need to promise that to the electorate
we need to present ourselves as trustworthy with that black forest gateau cake..

conference i promise to you this
that i will not squirt your cream out of your cake dish
not even literally
i will not sit on that cake
because that is your cream
and your cake
i will put that cake in the fridge
and it won't be a german fridge
it will be a british fridge
but a british fridge that celebrates
this is 
this is the vision that i see
conference i am the new credible authentic alternative
to the other candidates for leadership
that say similar things to me..

and please let's hear it for
the hard-working families
not the scroungers..

Bigotry Inc.

Bigotry Inc.

We are Bigotry Inc
Bigotry is an Equal Opportunities Employer
Whatever your religion
Whatever your creed
Whatever your politics
Whatever your class or caste or clan
Whatever your flag waving spam
Whatever your skin colour
Whatever your so called truth and facts and historical spin
Bigotry Inc welcomes you in
Wilful Ignorance here is very much not a sin
Every lie gets laid and gets in
Selective amnesia is Dream

Bigotry Inc is an Equal Opportunities Employer
We positively welcome all your demons and shills and belittlers and destroyers
We recognise that all groups and sub cultures and sects
Have as much right to celebrate their hate and prejudice and fear
As any other
It is all cleared

Different demagogues for different demographics
Bigotry Inc is flexible and plastic
Bigotry Inc prefers the measures drastic
The mobs the vigilantes the prophets of the anti
The ones who need to save us from the outsiders of ourselves
Where the moral high ground lead down to the gates of hell
Where the slippery slope is our wishing well
Where the silken sheath hides the noose man's rope
Where every fist has its blessing pope
Where every god will anoint the righteous
Follow the promised land to burning tyres
Where oil kisses fire
Where music grapples piano wire
The scent of blood desired

Every group has its day
Some more than others we have to say
But that's okay
Because in every system there's an overlord that owns
Every village has buried bones
Every culture sticks and stones
Beliefs cloned
Finessed and forged anew
Hello and goodbye you and you and you
Adieu

Bigotry Inc resends the unbroken spell
Appropriately reviewed for the different ages and epochs and eras
Forge the burning speakers
Stoke the cheer leaders
Ready the tears and save the cut and paste hysteria
We at Bigotry Inc will always be here
No fear
Smell the fever
Drink the beer

We at Bigotry Inc
Have been the most successful organisation since man crawled out a fish
We have always gifted the entitlement to stomp and twist
We at Bigotry Inc
Love all bigotry
No hate is too big or too small
None too ridiculous
No superstition too superstitious
All maliciousness is just delicious
All hateful fictions build our empires nutritious
Bigotry Inc is felicitous to earth's multi-variant piss artists

We are the human race
We are every night fable of every face
You have the right to hate
As do those you call they
And so do they
It's funny it slays us too
Come on in
And join the fun
Don't analyse or empathise
There's enough bigotry here for everyone

We at Bigotry Inc are always ahead of the curve
We know how to operate the myths' reflexive nerve
With verve
To project and serve
We are the lines that light the words that burn
And guarantee we never learn

If Wordsworth Suffered From Hay Fever

I wandered lonely as a cloud
But started sneezing so went back home..

 

The Goddess Of The Clickbait

she'll say something bad
because she's the goddess of the clickbait
she'll get the lubrication
lols thumbs-up love and hate
pavlov's date
kiss her crumbs
make her make her a multi-millionaire
that's really all she wants

she'll say something waaay
because she's the goddess of the clickbait
make her day
react share comment wait
suckle from her putrid lair
the bread and circus vultures pray
make her make her an opinion maker
a mainstream outlier legislator

react - she wins
hate her - she wins
love her - she wins
comment - she wins
she wins - she wins
she loses - she wins
as invisible puppeteers..

..set the dials to maximum distraction
fast-breed the trolls for the alchemical reaction
a fukushima of lost souls - sold
to the demagogues broking the new philistine code

and let us build this promised land
a promised land fit for nero
let us dance programming this chemtrailers' art
lols thumbs-up love and hate


 

Selfie Suicide

And yes, he jumped.
So they took their selfies,
And agreed he was selfish.
Laughing, they carried on..

As Angry As A Pavement Cyclist

he's as angry as a pavement cyclist
because he is a pavement cyclist
his lycra'd bollocks hanging inimitably like
only lycra'd bollocks hang
revolting neon slalom pilot
a face as puce as spam
 
he's as angry as a pavement cyclist
because he is a pavement cyclist
his recording moloch eye
a protein-fuelled protean spy
pedestrians he can prang
his birthright in a can

his legs, muscular violent toothpaste
the treetops drop-ship pigeons' bubble spaceships
billy the kid rides on oblivious
handlebars sculpted for fists
goggles for piranha fish
eyes like charles bronson in death wish

if you're in the bus queue you must die
pedestrians on pavements learn to fly
traffic lights it seems are always green
cross the road safely? in your dreams
pavement cyclists own everything
and they are always very angry
very angry indeed

I Am A Blog Poet

this is an immersive blog poem
so please put your blog poetry helmet on before banging your head repeatedly against this blog poetry screen

i am a blog poet
a blog poet
for blog poet read
plankton poet
bottom-feeder poet
swimming belly-up in the cyber fukushima sea moat
poet

i am a man that writes blog poetry
so where are my groupies
where are my rock star human rights
we need to ask ourselves here one important question
is prejudice against blog poets the last acceptable form of ism

i am a humorous poetry blog poet
that means i'm the lowest of the low
beyond redemption
the kind of human being that would make even gandhi want to pick up a baseball bat
to smash my brains in
well everyone needs a way to wind down

i am a blog poet
i sometimes receive postive feedback from
nigerian billionaires that want my bank details so they can send me fifty million pounds
exotic temptresses who need to marry me for a nominal fee
mumbai pharmacists promising to make my little fern a proud tree
or another poetry agent that definitely doesn't want to help me
i am a blog poet

i am a blog poet
sometimes i receive encouraging emails from other blog poets
encouraging me to
follow them on their blog
and leave them positive feedback
so i oblige by forwarding their blog email address to nigerian billionaires
exotic temptresses
and mumbai pharmacists
and poetry agents that hate blog poets
well one good turn..

i am a blog poet
and if you are reading this
you probably are too
it's horrible isn't it
god save the queen
thank you

i am a blog poet
i've had my blog since two thousand and nine
i should reach one thousand subscribers
in about three to four years' time
although i'm not holding my breath
i am a blog poet

i am a blog poet
i sometimes try to do something constructive about it
i watch ufo case files
or ancient aliens instead
ancient aliens were much better than the modern kind
they used to build pyramids and temples
and teach meditation and play the sitar
now the bastards abduct american cows
and burn inscrutable geometric graffiti on fields of distant stars

i am a blog poet
i am a blog poet
i am a blog poet
repeat and fade away..

so please let us be upstanding for the national anthem of this weird island next to the big part of europe
that's of no significance at all
next to this small part of europe very significant
that wants to leave europe
and move to neptune
and the neptunians can feel significant
feeling now a sense of belonging to the small significant stellarish part of europe

god save the queen blog poem

god save the queen blog poem
god save her corgies
god save those soldiers guarding buckingham palace
from german tourists trying to make them laugh
by singing kraftwerk songs in broken spanish
god save the queen
but not german tourists singing kraftwerk songs in broken spanish
god save the queen blog poem

god save the trees
but please first save the queen
unless the queen is sitting in a tree
in which case god save the queen
and the tree in which the queen is sitting
but god don't save the other trees
because they're probably communists or something
god save the queen
blog poem

god save atheists that love the queen
but don't save atheists that don't want to save the queen
even if they want to save the queen only for a rainy day
god don't save atheists that don't want to save the queen
even those cynical atheists that want to save the queen only for a rainy day
god save the queen
blog poem

god save agnostics that aren't sure about the queen
but don't save them entirely
save only a bit of them
like an elbow or leg
for example
or another part of their body
it doesn't really matter
i gave an elbow or leg only as an example
it could be a chin
or ear cartilage
it doesn't really matter to be honest
god save bits of agnostics that aren't sure about the queen
any bit really
god save bits of agnostics that are okay with god saving the queen
even if the queen might not exist
blog poem

god save the queen from commoners' austerity blog poetry
god save the queen from flowers that make her sneeze
kill 'em all
militant republican daffodils must be taught a lesson
mow the treacherous scum down
god save the queen

likewise god save evil terrorists that want to kill the queen
that is until god needs to kill them to prove he saved the queen
super-heroically
and at the very last minute
and all the people
will be grateful
for god acting like batman
god save the bad guys so god can save the queen from them
it's a bit complicated but god knows what god means
and batman would definitely know what god means
you need batman predictive programming
god save the queen

god save blog poets that want to save the queen
because then they can write blog poetry
about god saving blog poets' poetry about god saving the queen
god save the queen
and blog poetry about god saving the queen
a little like all those poems written after nine eleven
apart from those tinfoil dark web poems about how did building seven..
god save the queen

god save nauseating bbc royal correspondents who want you to want them to save the queen
god save jesus who wants to save the queen
but if he doesn't
then that's a different story
so let's hope he does
god save the queen and jesus but only if jesus wants to save the queen
otherwise there's nothing we can do for him
stupid man
god save the queen

god save everyone who wants to save the queen
god save god who wants to save the queen
but god don't save yourself if you don't want to save the queen
it's a win-win
so god save your sorry self and save your god the queen
the queen save god
god save..

god save ancient aliens
but not the modern ones who want to save the queen
unless they stop murdering american cows
then okay they may save the queen
god save sacred geometry graffiti only there to save the queen
god save the queen
blog poem..

i am a blog poet
i am a blog poet
i am a blog poet
you are a blog poet
you are a blog poet
you are a blog poet
we are a blog poet
we are a blog poet
we are a blog poet
blog poem

this has been an immersive blog poem experience
you can take off your helmet now
which colour pill do you want

Ethical Cheating Dating App 101

ethical cheating -
it's the bleeding edge of online dating -
subscribe share appropriate delete
rinse selfie, repeat

i'll be late tonight again honey
don't wait up
yeah yeah..i have to go
deadlines, we need the money
yeah i know i know..

Blow-Up Sheep Blues

Blow-up sheep blues
It's really bad ewes..

Showbiz

For we come from Planet Blancmange
For short we call Planet

We're good people
So we'll keep an eye on you
Make sure you don't do anything bad
We're interested in your funny habits
We the still ones like to know
Because
We come only for your soul
We're interested only in the rock and roll
We come for all the good stuff
We come from Planet Blancmange

For short we call ourselves Planetarians
Or Blancmangarians
Sometimes we call ourselves nothing
Because we're almost all there is

So
You don't need to apply to join the Blancmangarian brethren
You're in
And if you want to stay out
Then we'll make sure to find out what you're about
We thirst to wet nurse

We mentioned
We come from Planet Blancmange
We are avian
Fly on springs
We'll build you a strong new society made of twigs
A net of twigs
A trampoline made of twigs
We'll give you springs as we don't do wings
Silly things
We spring along our string
String you along your springs

We're close to the entertainment industry
We've already made good use of that military
Lather for your brain to make it snow slow
Wherever we are
                       you go
And just so you know
We come from Planet Blancmange

We welcome your input
We'll give you all the salient facts
Then we'll encourage you to feed them back
Confirmation bias has a bad rap
Anything else is tin foil hat
We are all there is
Now what's so wrong with that
That's not a question
That's a fact

We don't like penguins
They cause global warming
That's why there's a hole over Antarctica
You don't like penguins
They cause global warming
That's why there's a hole over Antarctica
See how natural that sounds
And to effortlessly amplify
Just a simple example
A small free sample

Remember people who don't like us don't like you
We you are all there is
Don't be a Sceptical Simon
It's a form of ideological violence
We are electricity you shall be a taut string-strong pylon
Don't be a Sceptical Simon
We you are all there is

We encourage frank debate
We'll plate-up your spinning plates
Crumbs are baby cakes
We'll serve you our choices
Our singularity shall bend and curve only with tailor-made voices
We'll moisten the bespoke hand-picked fears
We'll imagineer situations and schedule tears and seamlessly shift through the gears
Embed our white noise machinations
Inoculate the calibrations
Toll the bells of celebration
Baptise in the dark the tips of the enemies spears
Our diverse fraternity goes back a few years
You'll really wish we are here
We are the talent you are the balance
We come from Planet Blancmange
We you are all there is
Soon there won't be anything
But showbiz

Genghis Gandhi

His name is Genghis Gandhi
Let's strip his campaign hand shandy
As he blows straw men away through the msm In door
A free trade for peace
Here's another just war
Lock-on the porn of fear
Conquer and divide
Score and shoot
It's the name of that game
Kiss the ball of that boot

Weaving spells over his seashell crowd
Mesmerised by himself
The shepherd swells a coal that glitters
Slivers of vows smoke and lick melting mirrors
The thrumming of lectern stage-craft and spin
Camouflage the spiders' hidden vision

Perhaps that sits with you too strange
Perchance yearning to X the return-to-sender vote for change
Mustn't be cynical then
They're not all the same
Please consider Gandhi Genghis

Her name is Gandhi Genghis
She's all sympathetic dentist
She lip-syncs "the family..the hard-working poor.."
Yet flows for covert wars' surveillance whores more
She'll kiss your baby
                             before
                                      it can
                                             hit the floor
It's all tough love from Gandhi Genghis
Where compassion dovetails with a fistful of menace

They both spoil the rod
Withered lips gritted quote slayed men of peace
And if the said men were still alive
Laser guided boomerangs with fangs shall seek them deceased
Trolling truth to power speaks
Vacuum packs their spirited sheep
A theremin tune serenades
The curb kicking the bleating street

The gurning tango twerks the rabbit-hole sky
Let's pay obeisance sisters and brothers to the inverted all-seeing eye
Genghis Gandhi Gandhi Genghis
The croneys' The Internationale revelation in genesis

Poppadum Sommelier

May I introduce you to today's House Special Nominated Poppadom: Lumbini Nightingale.

The pronounced narrative notes of this boutique poppadom are deceptively languid and delightfully off-centre:
The top notes:
A flourish of cardamom, the organic sage sparkles cheeky eyelash dreamy saplings of jovial erotic saffron,
Glowing her golden epidermis shyly, enticingly..

Elusive zephyrs of Tibetan sage,
Slivers in landscaped peppermint oblongs blush her meandering subterranean canyons a bronzed cream.

Counterposing an arresting dandy of succulents, deftly alongside a parallel astronomy deckchair of fenugreek, Mumbai lemongrass..
Are a transcendental sprig of atomised turmeric,
Even more cheeky and vicarious,
which co-mingles entirely her crispy sandy sentient oceans mermaid..

Mentoring the top notes -
A burnished olive's fluorescing knob marine hosannas melting play jazz butter quavers sobbing the Vedic grass petals a love-in melody of subdued coriander.

So moving along the light-range of medium note-trigger-descriptors locking down this poppadom..
Going from middle-range to top then reverse to minimals, as that's easier:
A Daphne of ginger, 
Two iambs of Himalayan powdered yeti berry - the blessing Buddha's tincture liminal,
And dimpled to marvel..

A flamingo's flamenco of nutmeg tornadoes spruce glimmering lanterns a moon-night-lit dream;
The sandalwood scented rosewater sprinkling brazenly piggy backs iridescent like a giggling dancing temple girl -
Erotic yet timorous, fully tipped escarpments, secluded, forbidden, almost verboten,
rubs moistened olive butter-fingers along her edges..
Example, see here and here..

For me,
The almost baroque basenote architecture of this poppadom incarnation is where the real surprise of this truly blissful installation excoriates the tongue-lashing to orgas mesmerically:
Toasted sesame bugle-slivers imprint a miasma masala engineering;
A llama scrutiny silhouettes perpendicularising the strobes paprika, lime, and clove.
Tresses-dimini slips headlong inside the mezzanine.

Moving onto her nervous system's textual descriptors shimmering this boutique-level executive poppadom -
Observe the ambient hounds-tooth stitching - ships along the borderline - contrasting a yoghurt culture with a peachening shell filigree of coral cinnamon..
And if I may cheekily interrupt myself, this tickles my pickle every single time.

The heartland of this poppadom jamboree, geographically at least, habituates the middle shaman chakra bilinguals:
Lightly sunset tones, minute jade speckles, dappled peppercorns atomise the spirals-in-spirals
bohemian racy radish hymn to itself.

The flipside, ditto with minimal counterpoint-occasions,
Shifted by a light frosting of roasted almond submarine-dapples dazzling this fierce panda of a poppadom concerto's mangrove, Fernando.

I heartily recommend this poppadom for fifty pence sterling, fully inclusive of VAT and service charge.

*Poppadum can also be spelt papadum or pappadum!