Downing Street: Today's Covid-19 Daily Press Briefing - The Best Bits

and the government coronavirus chief medical advisor continued..
flashy new ventilator lights are working well
they twinkle prettily
actually much better than we expected
and once you are switched on to them that is it ~ blast-off..

watch football
have a barbeque..
watch football
have a barbeque..

and if you do not have a mask
a vinyl doormat taped over your mouth will work wonders
no harm in trying..

and did i mention
soon you might also be able to watch some football on the tell-lie-vision
with optional real fake virtual crowd noise added
with cardboard cut-out people social distancing on the empty terraces
plebs..

you may also visit a car showroom
but please avoid driving a car
you may also visit a garden centre
with up to five garden gnomes from your immediate household..

proviso ~
direct your garden gnomes to stand at least one metre apart from one another
and in an abundance of caution at least three metres away from you
you may talk to them but only in the open air outdoors
with the wind at your back and with the gnomes down-wind in front of you
gnomes must wear bespoke pandemic n95 gnome-masks
especially when they are conversing with youalways wear overalls and a tunic
it is vital..

please note fake chinese garden gnomes cannot spread the virus
even when they are wearing fake n95 gnome-masks..

please do not pick up your gnomes to stroke them on your lap
control that urge
yes we know it is not easy
but in these unusual and difficult times
we must embrace and get used to these new strictures and modalities..

stay at home
save lives
i might have been banging your wife..

stay at home
save lives
i might have been banging your wife..

pleb ~
you believed your wife was at home
while you were working in strained conditions down on some granny farm
wrong term ~ care home
so sorry..

first slide please..

this table
is my study table and shows me on top of your wife
she is taking it enthusiastically doggy style
i am always vigorous
that is my kind of lockdown
but put simply it cannot be yours ~ pleb~directive..

stay at home
save lives
i might have been banging your wife..
stay at home
save lives
i might have been banging your wife..

so now over to secretary of state priti patel
she will take you through the latest figures
go priti..


and secretary of state priti patel said..
thank you
hello viewers
i am trying not to smirk duper delight
are you scared yet..

here are the latest figures..

seven eight nine eleven twenty-two and thirty-three
and the bonus ball is forty-two
and that concludes the lottery draw..

and so far in the you-kay nearly forty-thousand real people have died
but nearly forty-thousand is not actually forty-thousand
but we can do it
imagine this is like a telethon
we might not even need that much touted second new and improved pandemic wave
although we may bring it in anyway just for shits and giggles..

stay at home
save lives
we can do what we like..
stay at home
save lives
we can do what we like..

please get yourself tested so we can acquire your valuable dee-en-eh data
so i strongly encourage you to download the contact tracer app
it will be very good for you
the lady who once headed talk talk will be running it..

additionally in the not to distant future our mandatory vaccines will be free
so are you scared yet..

we are all in this together
we are all in this together remember..

football
car showrooms
garden centres
gnome cars..
car gardens
scented footballs
snowball gardens
scented showroom gnome cars gardenia footballs..