The Glimmer Of The Monochrome Rainbow Shine

 

self-medication
uncoils its side-venom medicine
rationing the universe of salt forlorn
imbibing its spawning spoil unawares
incisor gums inject fanged straws
anonymised in a tryst with misery
the viper strike enticement
the slick lunging kiss of a wraith
in generous sympathy
the self-medication venom oils
stays the immediate execution with the slaking palliative
once a pleasure now the chore
though in the delay
ingeniously disguised as self-preservation
floored
holds court like the ludicrous emperor
the jester and source
war paint licks..

in the numbness
the illusion sauce
glosses the barbed candyfloss rescue
the price the cost
tumbling out the matryoshka doll the trojan horse
beneath the dark light flicker
the ebb away so fleet
inside flesh out
slide rule-kindness a blindfolded
essence effortlessly debilitates..

palms wash the mirror through the face
like a veil through dry ice cold-boiled cobalt midnight
discarnate gate-crasher liminal
gaming make-believe filters
humanising the broken toy with frost
garlanding the suspension..

within the crystallising bubble
the alarm is softened
the caressing clouds avalanche a compress
slowly deceptively deliberately
rotate like lowering blade-sheathed wisps
ungrasped then grasped
as fanciful timelines coalesce
the present absences univited appear ever more apparent 
and implodes and implodes the fateful agency target..

Yet

 

whatever next
will you trust your intuition..

a prison planet
the severest test of the spirit and soul
a descension ascension
for whom earth-life tolls..

whatever next..
yet
an open heart your fortress
cosmos..
a beautiful earth..

Utopia, Incoming (The Correct Deployment Of Fluffy Towels 101)

 

First Aid At Work 2027
Scenario Test Question 9 Of 11

percy patel works in accounts by the fourth turning of the third floor
his desk sits by the east-side emergency fire exit stairwell *
you are his designated first aider..

+percy delightedly informs you that his waters are about to break
  he has gone into labour..

you only have a first aid box and a high-viz tabard
what do you do..

Best Practice Answer

firstly you would inform security/reception/or your other designated contact
to call for an ambulance immediately
your designated contact should already have been made aware
that percy is with child and expecting shortly..

and so that paramedics can be escorted directly to him
clearly identify the floor and desk number/location of percy..
..
then take four clean **fluffy towels from the person-cabinet
and put on your high-viz tabard..

how to embrace and relate..
do not be afraid to dig down deep to your unfathomable depths 
breathe deeply and lilt to a falsetto
ecstatically exclaim
make way and celebrate
make way and celebrate
stop all work
percy patel is breaking water
percy patel is having a his-baby
you may wave your arms high in the air uplifted
be in your own presence
but be careful not to accidentally punch anyone in the face=..

reassure percy that an ambulance has been sent for
and paramedics should arrive very soon..

what if percy is sweating..
you must only gently mop his fevered brow 
with the specialised moistened wipes provided
because so-called fluffy towels might scratch his skin #..

then comb both of his eyebrows in an upwardly direction
and away from the eyes..

to allow percy privacy
ask nearby staff members to please stand away and make space
dignity is power..

deploy the aloe vera testicle-guard and operate gently
watch out for stubborn pubic hair recoil..

designate a trusted colleague to fetch the backside-defibrillator
then open the first aid box for the conductive serum sachet
then to mitiagte the compressed clenched tension
squirt on your trained massage-hand generous dollops
by caressing and rubbing his backside cheeks tenderly until soft and shiny
backside cheeks should burnish like ancient bronze
see illustration..

carefully place on a non-flammable surface
a lit essential lavender oil candle
there should be one safety lighter
and one lavender oil candle provided in your first aid box..
..
to protect dignity
at two increments of thirty-three degrees
his maternity skirt should be lifted up respectfully
it might help to imagine lifting a wedding dress veil..

ensure that his gum shield is firmly fixed
and manufactured with british-standard rubber..

then and only then take the paddles of the backside-defibrillator
shout stand back
administer two shocks
wait thirty seconds
and only if the baby does not begin to appear
administer two more shocks
continue until the paramedics arrive..

 to catch the baby "
 unfold the vacuum-pack bamboo bucket
 and hold one metre above the backside
 use the purple measuring tape provided..

  only utilise this purposed bamboo bucket
  plastic buckets are bad for the environment
  but even worse for the head of the jettisoned his-baby...++

should the his-baby begin to appear
do hold and support its head
do not pull its ears
do encourage the birthist to scream and safely be in his own moment
exploring the range of sounds he can make with his vocal tract unleashing
essentially generating and pouring out all his tenderest emotional expressions..

observe primal vowels twisting and turning
rising and elongating
and fusing with abrupt yet spirited interludes of silence
ask a trained colleague to help time the silences
see chart..

footnotes

 *never ask a pregnant man-person breaking water to run down the stairs
  always use a wheelchair and lift if available 
  knees and shins should firmly rest on the chair seat
  backside raised proud and high toward the lift doors
  any false teeth should be gently removed
  allow the paramedics to lead..

+make a mental note of anyone refusing joy
  inform
  feel empowered..

= (insert name) is having a his-baby..
   percy patel is used only as example 
   so if the delighted man-person is named bob smith
   you would not ecstatically exclaim
   make way and celebrate
   percy patel is having a his-baby
   you would ecstatically exclaim
   make way and celebrate
   bob smith is having a his-baby..

   fun question
   what would you ecstatically exclaim
   if bob smith is in a relationship with percy patel
   whose his-baby would he be having
   see notes for correct protocol..
   ..
** remember just because a fluffy towel may look soft and fluffy
   does not mean it is soft and fluffy..

# fluffy towels are only to be deployed to protect privacy and dignity..

" be careful not to drop the his-baby
   it is not a marrow or a man-size baby melon..

 ++ fun fact
        a his-baby will fly out at speed
        often exceeding 7km/h..

Save Yourself, Marry A Semicolon

Dear Reader, 
Reading time will be at least twenty minutes.

..as the we empowers the all

empowered by the all are the we..

GONG..

down and out
drowned inside the images of this rules-based order dawning
unceremoniously marched to a meeting room by a sashaying demon
i was summoned to appear before a grave senior manager..

not one of your semicolons have preferred pronouns
not. one.
not. one.given a smidgen of safe space to self-identify
not. one. of. them.
yes we noticed..
please sit down..
and please do not try to self-justify..

i had to sit down after hearing that
indeed the chair i sat on also needed a chair to sit on..
the high strangeness continued unabashed..

i chose your semicolons charitably
semicolons oh so slyly sliden
nestled forested within your moon/jejune vocabulary
i could have gone for all your full stops
                  there were plenty aquaplaning there
as kind as i am to all living punctuation you are not..

the grave senior manager gazed at a militant-level lavender tea bag
and as he held it up to the anglepoise lamp like a bag of precious gems 
grazing knuckles rubbed the perforations sniffed
he continued
we have this held in abeyance
in abeyance yellow-carded as a colonistic micro aggression
i believe you were offered training for this
we are offering you this again
               bespoke tailored to your..special
needs
yours specifically
accept this time please
and no use pretending you have not taken the jab
tuesday nine ayem
yet again the trainer has been apprised and primed and is ready to..
..is ready to..receive you..

utterly discombobulated and bewildered a million squared
in a cyclonic vacuum to home i traipsed
a basketball of spruced up cat hair-thoughts spiked my clouted head
the conversation replayed again and again without end..

the pavements i swum beneath dove the rising moon quicksand teeming
not one of your semicolons have preferred pronouns..
not one of them given a smidgen of safe space to self-identify..
there hiding in plain sight 
lay so vividly displayed the what-nature of some ludicrous consciousness
already fallen rising..

and what on earth is living punctuation..
i could not recall ever watching living punctuation on attenborough
i could not make sense of any of it
what was all that meant to mean..

searching for guidance at home that evening meditating
i connected with a vedic ascended master
his third eye only shrugged
advised me to welcome this as yet another spiritual test
oh no not again i groaned and protested
but he casually waved me away with his usual scratch-and-sniff cursory blessing
thus resigned to my fate off the next morning to the training i went..

******************************************

the meeting room i was sent to was vast and bare
i heard a noise
sounded almost like a voice 
i was the only one there..                                                                                             can                                                                                                  you hear me..  
after a few minutes waiting
the door clicked closed behind me
and i beheld the facilitator
she advised me not to be scared
and for some strange reason that made me feel very scared..

i see you as a challenge
your semicolons we will champion
soon all this will only seem fathomless
to those lacking the required empathy
though that will not be tolerated or excused..

to use a forbidden term the facilitator appeared all female
not tattooed or studded but demure and elegant
that threw me off somewhat and i sensed she guessed my confusion
she smiled and sniffed confounding the given lazy stereotype i bought into
then she pointed at the screen with her laser pen..

right..a little bit about myself
yes i am female and heterosexual
i like men..there..i said it..
now that really threw me..

she smiled continuing..
of course we know that semicolons cannot have preferred pronouns
we know that any form of punctuation cannot self-identify
even in this day and age that would be ridiculous..
though we know you have noted young children are encouraged now
to not only self-identify but to reassign..
she gazed at me..

taking my cue i asked so what is all this about
what is really going on here..
she advised me to think laterally..
to that i probably laughed or threw my hands in the air..

think of the analogy of boiling a frog..
simmer it slowly to a boil
and no surprise it does not jump out the pan..
after a beat the facilitator continued
and through various technologies we have soul-mapped you
we noted you demurred even stepping in for a gentle lukewarm bath
yes you received the memo but then you shredded it..alas..
we are not asking you to believe any of this
only to pretend to
is that so difficult..

apart from the sexualising children aspect
with the rest okay i will comply i replied
and as i picked up my coat to leave she laughed
oh no not so quick i will note your remark
but please sit down
i have not finished..

as you know the uk no longer has much of a manufacturing industry
and we are hopeful that our banking sector will collapse later this year
later this year..fairly precipitously
so we need to plan for a mad max-style world economy
i hope you begin to sense where i am going with this
we intend to pull the rug from under everything
in every way
it will be a noble calling
a noble calling to lead the flock to exude stranger ways..

you see for reasons i cannot not divulge here
the world population is scheduled to collapse wondrous
wondrous..
bread and circuses soon to be mostly circuses
not imminently i am reliably informed so please do not fear
meaning you should be all right for at least another..
she turned away toward her voice trail..

thing is..
we need to make ourselves fit-for-purpose
create industries we can excel in
for example biomechanoid intelligence is one of them
or the bleeding edge work researched at porton down and cern
i can skip this if you wish..

no i replied perplexed though intrigued
i asked the facilitator to please go on..
so you know about porton down the facilitator asked
i replied yes it is five miles from salisbury
mythical novichok-land..
and cern is the large hadron collider near geneva
i am not sure exactly what they do there..

well it is a particle accelerator she replied
but beyond the pr it is used to tap into other dimensional realms
already we have discovered and reached into alternative universes
and managed to pull in some of their resources
which we are busy finessing and manipulating
to succumb to our utopian ends..

the point is we have managed to imprint a kind of consciousness
a kind of consciousness onto everything 
and every kind of inanimate..object..
will thrive in this society where stones are to be your loving pets
and where certain kinds of liquids your benign partners and..
..and initiating masters..

the silence that fell between us was like floors of stacked night collapsing
i was so uncomprehending
soon we will live in a society where stones are to be your loving pets
and where certain kinds of liquids your benign partners/initiating masters..
i could not tell whether she was mocking me
or being serious
i wanted to be hugged by a fluffy bear
or failing that i wanted to jump off from the tallest building..

would you like a comfort break the facilitator delicately enquired
yeah that would be great i anxiously replied..

after the break the facilitator prodded
you probably have a question or two..
and i asked with a fatalistic sigh
what is the most important thing i need to know..
need to know and understand at this time..

the facilitator pondered
and then with a finger drew a diagonal line..
at the appointed date and time
we wish to nominate you as the semicolon ally
we will facilitate you a heartfelt damascene conversion
and broadcast you conversing with every kind of sentient punctuation..

eventually you will marry a semicolon fashioned from an alternative realm
or if you prefer you may marry a full stop or a comma
soon none of these things shall be regarded as extremely strange
or worse still fatuously decreed as unholy perversions
but merely new norms reflecting our ascension..

multi-dimensional stakeholders sublime
the sparkling black hole dance floor we shall tap-dance
circumventing the mind our grand upskilled inversions
higher than the stars
designed finer than creation shall scintillate..

the timetable has been set
the scripts of our sceptics fine-tuned and polished
this enfeebled controlled opposition shall be plastic injected
to be obliterated
by our dimmer-switcher fanatical pop culture moulded sculptors..

and in a very believable way you shall also be inserted
as part of the strategic infantry for this fresh order..
oh and please do not ask why we are doing all this
without offending we know you will not understand..
that we are doing this because..
because..we can..

after collecting my thoughts atomised
i asked the facilitator whether i would be offered a choice
she replied i will offer you that illusion
for if you opt to say no and try to walk away
the end result would be exactly the same
through electronic warfare we could brainwash you anyway
to be programmed and activated
or we would allow you to simply implode and implode
fractured inside ever-looping spiralled deja vu..

you could be sent on a one-way ticket returned to another realm
for we have an exchange programme with..them..
or you could do the wiser thing and volunteer
remember you only have to pretend to believe
at least that part really is up to you..

i responded no thanks i will take my chances
and as i got up to leave
the facilitator replied
let us circle back and see
a gentle taster of what might be..

be prepared..
tonight after you fall asleep..
you soon will know what i mean
please realise it will be real and not a dream
and you will not recall anything i have mentioned to you here
and linear time will not mean a thing
past present and future will be so last year..

i locked my front door
i gargled with and then swallowed a fistful of elephant knock-out pills
i screwed ear plugs tightly in my ears
then i pulled the bed covers right over me
i clutched a new baseball bat in one hand
though felt only as gangster as a ping pong champion
and then and only then i allowed myself to enter sleep
so slowly..so very slowly..

******************************************

i found myself in the centre of a vast and packed-full amphitheatre
i was sat on a chair in the centre of a rostrum
and no more than two metres looking away from me
stood a human-size exclamation mark..

the exclamation mark seemed almost gendered 
though i asked myself how can that be
it wore an elegant flowing scarlet dress
and a strange apparatus suspended over its head
which looked like a lampshade made of spinning coloured glass..

the exclamation mark looked out to the audience
the audience made up of all kinds of strange animate shapes
all in exotic dress complete with diadems
with a flourish the exclamation mark turned to them..

welcome back
our next guest is a so-called human being
part of the exchange programme we have with..them..

the demure exclamation mark floated above me..
welcome human..being..welcome
let us start by discussing the current controversy..

so human being please answer
please answer this..
why should we provide toilets for human beings here
for we understand there are no toilets provided yet
for any living punctuation guests in your realm over there
please explain..

i could only splutter out
i had no idea where i was
and i had no any idea what living punctuation is
or knowledge of living punctuation in my realm
or what realm meant
or why so-called living punctuation require toilets..

my statement was met not only with utter disgust and disbelief
but the most derisive and uproarious and mocking audience laughter
the demure exclamation mark archly raised its one eyebrow
my goodness 
so-called living punctuation you say
and we are told to celebrate that we are you and you are us
that we are all in this together
allies with purpose
yet you archly claim that living punctuation does not exist in your realm
and clearly you do not even pretend to empathise
as to why we might require specialised toilets
the exclamation mark turned to the audience and mimed WOW
anyway we know the truth
i already interviewed your senior line manager..

i replied that i had no idea what my senior line manager meant
when he upbraided me for not giving my semicolons preferred pronouns
again i asked the exclamation mark if it would explain to me
what living punctuation is and why they require washroom facilities
and why not comprehending or not complying
is the sin for which i have been sent here
wherever here is
i asked if this was a punishment or some kind of purgatory..

a punishment a purgatory
the exclamation mark acted horrified..
and there was a sharp intake of breath from the audience
the palpable shock rippled through the amphitheatre
the sentient shapes twisted and screamed blue murder
for they felt insulted their home i had described as my punishment..

insult upon insult
this will not stand
human reprobate
your time is at hand
to you the audience i ask
should this heretic human being hang..

the entire amphitheatre screamed YESSSS
some chanted HANG IT HANG IT HANG IT
then i was roughly pulled off my chair
to be dragged across the stage
as terrifying coronets screeched and belted and blasted..

to rapturous cheers a neon gallows rose slowly off the floor
then a rope was pulled tightly around my neck
the exclamation mark smirked her treppaning smile
there and then i realised
as tears welled up and stung my eyes
i was about to meet my ignominious end..

the exclamation mark enquired any last words human being
human being soon-to-be-human fairly dead
shocked on hearing her words
the reality of my situation really hit me there and then
stunned and utterly defeated
i only could shake my head despairing
so alone so abandoned and so confused and devastated i felt
becoming ever more terrified the more i struggled for breath..

there was an excruciatingly slow countdown from ten to one
though the audience was having fun..
as i closed my eyes waiting for zero..

ONE…………………..ZERO.
the trapdoor gave way beneath me
a snap to silence
welcomed me to a lived eternity of nothing..

***********************

suspended in grey nothingness i float
i have only hazy memories of who i am or was
i have a vague feeling i may have done something very wrong
is it some kind of bleed-through flashback
or am i going mad 

another flashback

but of what..

we are trying to rescue you
this is not a test..
meditate
try to remember
can you hear...

were those sounds a voice..
..i might not be the only one here
the space i sit in is vast and bare..

i hear a door click closed behind me
i behold someone
the facilitator
the facilitator advises me not to be scared
and for some strange reason that makes me feel dreadfully scared..

..moving forward as we phase-shift to this elegant age..

then as we lift ourselves up from dusty ground

the unbroken-i slays to cultivate the lost

we pray to remain unblemished

we avow allegiance to the gracious we-i the all..

rollling waves the aquarian transition

the new and widest spectrum of love

as the we empowers the all

empowered by the all are the we..

GONG..

To Hear The Thud Of The Fallen Feather

 

the conscience pink-slip
to swan and sip the rainbows drop-shipped
the silvery transition drip-drip-drip so beguiling
the knock-knock apprehends the permeating silence
the vista from near the top of the tower shade
the non-player characters attenuate
the falling feathers echo
the thud of a fallen feather..

compartmentalised merit-ants
bend as they snap storm-tossed
watchtowers beam their atoms shrunken blesses
as the cryptocracy crystal ball-visualises
the strongest heavy-hitting lid closes ever-tighter
comfortably compressing the compressed
as all the coincidences neatly lined up in a row
are always best-dressed..

another knock-knock stills the uneven air
where a few of the chosen ones waver
all the treats all the baubles
their beautiful white noise not quite..
not quite vanquishing the within stirring within..
that purer voice dilates the murmuring
knock-knock..the last chance presents the offer
to those ones not yet so gone..

 

Their Banquet You

 

as they make their today splendid by dangling you worms for tomorrow
promises delayed eternally only fulfil such architects of sorrow
as they make their tomorrow brighter by redefining emptiness today
a fortune equips the designer vacuum and scripts the sating soliloquy..

grow a wish-list of lacquered thought-trinkets
replace and replace until extinguished
be a data node on their cashless farm
terminate heretics hiding in the reeds of the panopticon
gift yourself the given gilded status uniform
prepare their banquet you the fatted lucky charm..

cash cow vital statistics
smear your essence with colour-schemed spit
be as individual at a tattooed winking actor
be their sunbeam pounding the hamster wheel
be their wind blowing their sails
be their green beached whale..

virtue signal your vestige
bottled awareness is the message
drill for nectar in the abyss-breeder
zombie defiance of the festooned creature
measure yourself by their demographic vectors
babble the same chrome-koan as your corporate mentors..

So An Imperial Octopus Walks Into A Bar

 

effervescent loneliness bubble-wraps zipping crowds
the static shakedown only enervates the fizzling agitation
the throbbing synapses twine and strain wirelessly-strung necks
avid finger-painting beings tap-tap bids for arid immanence..

hand-me-down-dreams hermetically steal for foamy noggin goatheads
bifurcating lives fold their souls beaming lickened blackened glass
the welded hand hovers to voraciously snack on vapour trails
whilst whisking other presences to dazed simulacrum at half-mast..

so an imperial octopus walks into a bar
nothing happens..
so the imperial octopus uploads itself stealing a phone
and all experiential hell breaks loose..

treadmills power anthills on landfills of embalmed mirrors
so why take the forked road down to triffids but not up to daffodils
such hills welcome the lost and lonely formerly forlorn and forsaken
and may re-establish the awareness of a kinder and more real connection..

Another Mournful Emoji In The Pipeline

 

and a few coins drop on and around him
gifts lobbed wingless hit..hit..hit..
oftentimes with so little warning
bronze/silver pebbles skim and dash the concrete flags
dully flash then land near his hat near his feet near his sign
his eyes unevenly fluttering open sting
hypervigilance snake and stalk his sleep..

a whispery thank you for your service
and he hates himself
hates himself that once-upon-a-time he also believed
he nods and drifts
some of his comrades still take their own lives
as do enemy comrades theirs
marionettes shed crocodile tears
pass on to posterity the collection tray
self-mythologising lies silvery scythes..

their voices and their faces
their voices and their faces..
are his..
thank you for your service
his slower suicide sips him away
one drink at a time
churns and within his throat burns and returns
their voices and their faces
their voices and their faces
ripple ripped..

some of the many fallen have yet to fall
only a matter of time
another facebook rip-post in the pipeline
a link to a favourite song
a mournful emoji to a martyr
thanks you for your service..

but never speak of..or..
such careless talk must never spill
you are tough so the so-called trauma will fade
you enjoyed travel and you must have learned a useful trade
so why not think of it that way
you can reintegrate..

their voices and their faces
their voices and their faces..
where..
he feels more kinship with those who walk past him
he feels helpless pity for the earnest younger men now deceived
the reprinted glossy brochures sew ideas
in pliable minds like dough to knead
for mourners to draw bead on rosaries
and to the roar of the deafening silence
the abandoned truth abducted missing in action
cast low with replenished buy-it-now trinkets
and for a widow a pension and a polished casket reflecting..

asked to move away for safety
as an urban gardener sprays herbicide on pavement weeds
he retreats further after a threat from a charlatan not to violate his patch
or run the risk of getting his face profoundly keyed
so he stumbles to the alleyway to the side of the store
and in the alcove for the bins he recedes and weeps..

For The Sceptical Tinkerbells

 

the object moved so very slowly
so unearthly it seemed as it floated up the street
the dawn chorus fell so silent
and sealed the stillness so completely
and so uniquely for even the supermarket owl stared transfixed
and i could only catch my breath through a sieve
and to challenge myself witnessing such phenomenon
three times i pinched myself to reconfirm the experience was real
for moving closer the craft seemed to resolve into a 3d-oblong
and vibrating and sounding like a distant vacuum cleaner
it swayed and lilted ever so gently
i surmised perhaps it was experiencing difficulty
phasing in and out of our dimensionality..
..
glinting off the baffled dawn light
so luminous its sides shone like rippling liquid glass
and across one side in green and black and white
were depicted strangely joyful pictographical symbols
pressed on the synthetic surfaces of its power packs
and as it began to move ever closer still
there..
there was the distinct outline of a type of being
the being peered out piloting
the being wore a visor half-covering its face
the being pressed something on a console
and an orb light projected out illuminating the surrounding space
and the vehicle slowly faded away..

before you ask
no i dare not reveal to anyone my close encounter
though elderly folk still whisper of ancient visitation myths
but at least now i know this for sure
milk floats and milk float-fairy folk still exist..

Stirred

all the clouds widened on the river stretched
the electric eel thames slept
swans for pillows
rejected dropped cigarettes..

beneath the liminal space flew the birds
escalating on snowy blue stairs of sky
the rollerbladed skater arced a scarlet umbrella
to wand the benday dot skyline..

glassy rivulets off the mossy bank sprang
somersaults of snipped limpid string
such lush composition whet sore coffee break-eyes
lavishing its panacea for the steely dullness between..

between those lines slipped light
glowed around the closed timeline curve
as a zebra crossed people for pelicans
wispy rain marbled my coffee..

the high-viz jacket of the creamy turmeric sun
wished a cloak over the slate-bright satin air
seconds stretched out like mercury drops
the night of the workday an evening away..

Why Twenty-First Century Suicides Sometimes Go Postal

 

so tell me a little about yourself..

so why did you apply for this vacancy
tell me about your relevant skill set
what is your biggest weakness
what do you most enjoy about this kind of work
what do you least enjoy about this kind of work
how must you deal with a really difficult but very important client
are you willing to be on-call at short notice
where do you see yourself in six months
as you know xxx are recognised as the leaders in the xxx industry
bearing this in mind why should xxx choose you over the other applicants..

here are some lateral questions for you..
so you are stranded on a desert island..
and not blaming anyone else
please tell me why you ended up there
what mistakes did you make
what did you do wrong
and what are your key learnings going forward..

imagine now that you are in a maximum security prison cell
there is no chance of escape
once every week you are given a small piece of string
why should that interesting offer fill you with hope..

now imagine that you have an upside-down garden gnome in front of you
sell it to me without in any way being frivolous or humorous or entertaining..

what is your biggest secret
one that you have not shared with anyone else
the more shameful and humiliating the better
unburden yourself..

one of our team-building exercises include playing russian roulette
russian roulette but only with a taser
how do you feel about that
and tell me why such an exercise builds character..

are you willing to sign our ten page non-disclosure agreement
our legally binding en-de-ay..

okay the interview is over
you may relax
well done..

so yes i am delighted to offer you the position
so how do you feel..

so you will start off on a rolling weekly contract
one that can be terminated at any time
but if you are successful and manage to stay the course
and pass the six month probationary period
we will be able to offer you
a rolling monthly contract for as long as you are required
if we have to terminate your rollong monthly contract
rest assured we will have to give you a full week of pay
how does all that sound..

congratulations and welcome aboard
you are one of the few who made the grade
you know it is not often a chance like this comes up
be proud..

The Green Celebrity Branches Out

the green celebrity was joyous the green celebrity
could not put their ghost-written autobiography down
the green celebrity waved and pointed to it
smeared across the tv sofa the green celebrity bounced on
here is a bouncy castle rising from the ass-end of new atlantis sinking
and here is the interviewer feeding the writer curve ball lines..

lines..
hardball spears of enquiry such as..
how long did it take you to write this
why did you choose this cover
and i only ask because this design is so lovely
when will your book be out as i am sure all the viewers cannot wait
your pages are very glossy
your pages smell nice
you did an extremely wonderful job choosing this high-value paper
and i know how you feel as passionately as i about high-value paper
we both know it can make or break the words..

..green celebrity your autobiography in part is also about..
being effortlessly consciously green
we know you are qualified to talk about this
you informed us so..

..so we know you lead a very green life
and in your wonderful autobiography
you offer us some practical and heartfelt tips
on how to be ever more lovingly green
tenderly and effortlessly and effectively green
you said you never have to consciously think of it
yes i can say that truly i never have..

after the drafted applause settled down
the interviewer knuckled down and pressed on..
green celebrity i am sure this will be a huge best seller
it deserves to be
thank you for being with us today green celebrity
and i think i speak for everyone
everyone here and almost everyone everywhere 
that it was such an honour to have you with us today
we need to have more..more like you
an endangered species
we really do..

to rapturous robotic applause the green celebrity smirked
and with a quick getaway minutes later..
the green celebrity sprawled within their private jet confines
the green celebrity snorted up some more of the finest lines
the finest lines that only free money can buy
the burdenless payback from bullshitting for entire minutes..

the agent gave the thumbs-up
projected pre-sales orders better than expected
an advance of a few hundred grand already in the bank
and with promotional and merchandising tie-ins
kerchinging all the fast-bred cash cows milked to abandon
cash cows have wings
nature is a wonderful thing
the green celebrity sniffed while glancing out the window
thinking of the upside from the upended down below
happy days
happy days..

well this calls for a few more lines then..
so the green celebrity and the agent 
blasted themselves into space
twinkling
as their private jet glided over grids of smoky dirt pearlescence
glinting like dying fireflies stretched out suspended on neon crosses..

next week back home on the range
waking up only hours after the crack of midday
the green celebrity decided to go for a walk
to invigorate the senses there is nothing better
nothing better than doing a few more lines
so the green celebrity did a few more lines 
bracing themselves to confront the unforgiving fresh air..

the green celebrity ambled down their lane to reach their private stream
listless and carefree the green celebrity gazed up at the branches
as they seemed to lower themselves down to greet the green celebrity
the green celebrity smiled
the green celebrity decided to rest for a while
the green celebrity leant against one ancient tree..

nestling the tree trunk the green celebrity with eyes closed
heard the leaves in the branches as they rustled mariachi
almost like unsettled rattlesnakes
and even the clean damp smell of the leaves
the wafting petrichor
the stained-glass silken mosaic komorebi
and the cool soft breeze brushing the skin
did not disturb the green celebrity..

the green celebrity meditated on..
how the majesty that allows for the green celebrity lifestyle
is indeed a manifestation of nature to wonder at..

the green celebrity began to dream
the bark of the tree seemed to softly yield
then the rustling slowly seemed to increase in speed and intensity
the green celebrity felt the embrace of..

the green celebrity stirred awake
the green celebrity noticed themselves being merged and pulled in..
the green celebrity was being interfused..
the green celebrity confused but this cannot be happening
the green celebrity was the tree becoming
the green celebrity struggled and pawed helplessly at thin air
the green celebrity shouted and tried to escape
the green celebrity seemed to disappear..

that night the green celebrity was reported missing
and over the next few days
police huddled then mapped and fanned out
and searched high and low for the green celebrity 
circling helicopters of media flew over the entire private estate
but the scent and the footprints of the green celebrity
only led and ended mysteriously next to a tree
police dogs repeatedly pawed and scratched at the bark
a team delicately dug around the tree but there was nothing..

and while police officers and a forensics team stood by the tree
the green celebrity tried to scream to them
the green celebrity was only a few steps away from them
the green celebrity screamed and screamed at them
and sometimes they seemed to be look directly at the green celebrity
and the transfixed dogs just stared and stared 
and one detective carelessly splashed their dna on the green celebrity
while throwing the dregs of their coffee all over some leaves..

then after some more discussion
photographs taken
and soil samples bagged
footprints cast to be examined
the bewildered tired teams traipsed away..

one police dog unmoving stared and stared
a kind handler patted the dog and offered up some biscuits
and leading the dog away whispered to a colleague
look
even fido seems baffled..

in many territories the ghost-written autobiography sits top of the charts
the agent has signed a lucrative deal with a producer for the biopic
and the devastated partner of the green celebrity is in negotiations
to give their side of the story for an exclusive to be syndicated
the public bought and sold are consumed buying and buying..