Artistic Integrity - A Parody (Revised)

parody - noun

1.A literary or artistic work that imitates the characteristic style of an author or work for comic effect or ridicule

2. The genre of literature comprising such works.

3. Something so bad as to be the equivalent to intentional mockery; a travesty.

Your latest album has caused,

Well, lets be honest,

A hosepipe amount of controversy,

Especially your last single:

Proud to be Celibate at the Global Capitalist Gang Bang.

I mean,

That was pretty angry,

I mean,

It's great,

But, wow! what inspired you guys to..?

..Oh, you know,

Wasn't one thing,

More a combination of everything,

Merged together:

You know the bankers' bail-out,

Unbelievable,

All those free marketeers being saved by,

Irony!: A collapsing banking system that had to be socialised!

All that,

That's what the single was about.

It really seemed to touch a nerve..

I'd say!

More nerves than a brain neurologist!

The lyrics,

What is it?:

"You said that greed is good/

But It's Karl Marx whose got the morning wood/

Your reign is full of acid/

Your eyes are flaccid.."

Whooh!

Yeah, there's definitely anger there,

I'm no Marxist, but I was making the point...

Sometimes you have to get past their defences,

Go straight for the arteries.

It's dangerous:

You attack the system like that,

You attack yourself..

How do you mean?

Music is like a psychic sieve,

My thoughts drain out into society,

And if they're subversive,

Especially if not articulated politely,

Can be frightening.

You're putting yourself in the firing line,
.......
Like you or I eat pies.

Do you think that there is any contradiction,

Then,

When,

You allowed,

Proud to be Celibate at the Global Capitalist Gang Bang,

To be used as the theme tune to the Bloonex toilet roll advert?

God, no.

No?

No.

Why?

Why? Because it's another way to get our message out there,

It appeals and pulls in a different consumer demographic,

That's central to us enablising -

if that's a word -,

Our musical product,

But I mean that it an obviously positive way,

To an otherwise discluded -

if that's another word,

Brand identity,

And thus,

Revitalise our base.

It's no use playing to a stadium that's empty.

As long as you keep your artistic integrity.

We Swooned, Just a Bit

We swooned,

Just a bit,

As only commuter-strangers,

Swoon.

Daring and guarded, she passed,

And,

Her fingers,

Feather stroked my hand,

So I turned,

And,

Of course,

She was gone.

She was gone.

"There you go",

I probably smiled.

That instant yearning deja vu.

Not again!

This is no good,

This is no good at all.

I probably said to myself.

How I hate my moon/jejune heart, when,

When it gets all double-jointed earnest,

Like this.

And,

You know something?

Such episodes,

For what they are,

Define the lives,

For the,

Dazed, dozy,

Love hazy,

Shy,

And daft,

Commuter.

I'm also good at almost tumbling down escalators...

This Tragic Poet Is Proudly Brought To You By

This tragic poet is proudly brought to you by:

Caligula Pesto Sauce;
Mwah-Aah! pregnancy test kit;
Lulu, the French poodle organic food people;
Magic Ninja Noodles;
Cheeky Bunny Dildos, the cheeky bunny dildo company;
InterBlast - "We kill. We lightly maim. We don't murder."
Bespoke state sponsored exotic weapons of distinction;
Cybosimian Experimental Children;
And,
D'Bingonan! - Designer false teeth for the urban geriatric chic.

Don't Mess With Them

Women with their hair,

Pulled into,

A very tight bun,

They wear those Puffa style coats,

Usually red ones.

You think they're joking?

They're not even joking.

The Big Celebrity That Could

Thank you so much for doing this interview.

It's my pleasure too, thank you.

Before we talk about your new film,

I've read in your interviews, that,

You don't like talking about all the charity work you do?

Oh it's just,

I don't want people,

You know what they're like,

Thinking,

I'm doing this for publicity.

For me,

It's a very personal and private gift,

That I am giving of myself,

Yeah I know,

They say I've saved lives,

But,

In all honesty,

I'm no better than anyone,

Jesus,

Or even Oprah Winfrey.

Empathy

All we need is empathy,

Empathy is all we need.

Non Stick Frying Pans Simply Don't Exist

Non stick frying pans,
They simply don't exist,
Say it with me:
They. Simply. Don't. Exist.

Flying saucers,
The yeti,
Quality day time telly,
Okay,
Maybe.

But non stick frying pans?
Come on!
They simply don't exist.

Amen.

Pavements with Airbags

When are we going to have pavements with airbags?
Pavement rage seems to be a growing menace
these days,
Bouncy castle style pavements are also
a sensible option,
To combat the growing menace,
That is pavement rage.


There are all sorts of new rages
waiting to happen,
Once they are given the green light,
To be a malaise,
Lying fast asleep rage seems like a viable psychosis,
Airbags on pillows,
For deeply sleepy rage.

Significant Celebrity Death

Claw-back,

Assimilation,

Accountability,

Holistic, provisional, procure,
Invest, steering group,
Financial upturn,
Bi-annual performance review,
Ring fenced blue sky thinking,
Ciabatta.

All this and more,
In my next love letter to you,

Please don't leave me,
I've never said all this to anyone before,

You promise not to tell anyone?
I'll kill myself if you do..

No love,
How could I,
No one has ever whispered such
heartfelt and wonderful things to me,
So rare,
To actually know,
A woman,
Who isn't scared to express her feelings,
With such abandon,
And joy,

I feel the love,
Imagine what our children
would be like,
We're still so young.

We're so nineties,
God bless Kurt Cobain,
He had a significant celebrity death,
But,
He's not that dead really,
Not with people like us around..

I Pluck

I pluck my moustache with tweezers,
Don't look so surprised,
What would you expect me to pluck my moustache with?

Very useful they are too,
Especially when I'm having,
An official,
Bad Moustache Day.

I tried to pluck my moustache with a plectrum once,
Didn't work;
Musical differences.

A Thought

A thought just crossed my mind,
Sadly,
It forgot to look this way,
So got knocked over
By its train.

What a waste,
Such a young thought too,
two-and-a-half nanoseconds,
The coroner said.
So sad and thoughtless.

You never know though,
It could return,
In the evening,
Going the same way as the opposite train.

Jejune Moon

We fell in love under the moon,
It was jejune,
Or was it jejuly?
Sorry,
I'm a bit drunk,
And a bit jejolly.

This Poem

This poem doesn't rhyme,
But at least it scans.

Perhaps?

Well,
Perhaps.

Or to be more precise,
And,
Perhaps more accurate too,
Perhaps perhaps.

Big Bang

There's absolutely,
No,
No sound-proofing in my flat,
Whatsoever,
None..

BOOM!

See what I mean?
That's my next door neighbour,
Again dreaming about the big bang.

You know,
At night,
I'm kept awake,
I can hear the dreams of people right down my street,
And sometimes,
As we walk past each other,
We turn away and smile.

They must hear my dreams too.

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within a new psychic paradigm shift structure,
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- and it goes without saying,
ratified primary objectives - ,
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thus maintaining the artistic integrity,
of its brain-union with consumers,
and the retroactive poetic license,
in the contextual resource of the sub-domain unity therein,
sparkle.

Moving forward,
it has been determined,
that this blog's Best Value Quality Assurance benchmarks,
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at this primary stage of the blog's spiritual cycle.

Kind regards

Suki Spangles

"Cruelty Free" Tuna

In the supermarket,
The tins of tuna,
Labelled boldly,
"Cruelty Free",
Tickled my curiosity,
I paid,
And peeled the lid back,
And sure enough,
There were only seashells inside.

Women with Arms Folded Walk Down Our Streets

Women with arms folded,
Walk down our streets,
So many,
So many,
What secrets are they hiding?
What mystery?

Women with legs folded,
Yogic fly above our streets,
Ease traffic congestion,
Transcendental birds text-tweet.

For they are flying,
Totally Eco,
No high-heeled carbon footprint,
Yogic Overground with Nico.

Nut Cutlets

Nut cutlets,
Were invented by carnivores,
To ridicule vegetarians,
But vegetarians are smiling,
For nut cutlets,
Refuse to eat them.

Penis Anti-Wrinkle cream - For Men

Penis anti-wrinkle cream,
Penis anti-wrinkle cream for men.
Just,
For Men.

For men.

You think I'm joking?
I would never joke about something like this,
No,
It will happen.

So relax then,
And get ready,
For it shall happen.
Cheer up,
It really will happen.

Hydra sensitive,
Liposome smooth,
Collagen bollock serum,
Plump up those gravity grooves,
Penis anti-wrinkle cream,
It will only be for real men,
Not yet invented I'm dismayed to say,
So I better face-moisturiser mine until then.

Fascist Grannies Razz Pavement Tractors

Fascist grannies razz pavement tractors,
Dodgem prams and school-bling gangstas,
Fascist grandads gas F1 hamsters,
Skittle mums into bendy bus shelters.

Give 'em respect though,
They fought in the war,
The mods and the rockers,
On a beach,
In that century, late, of yore.

Some are immigrants,
- They live in Spain,
A few are too fat to work,
And entitled they are
- to be pavement rage clowns,
As they ear-plug Sir Cliff and Kraftwerk.

Through Her Looking Glass Eyes I Fall Into Wonderland

Through her looking-glass eyes,
I fall into wonderland..

"We need a telethon for war",
The minister appealed,
"I feel a need for a telethon for war,
Blair used all our cluster bombs
in our Iraq invasion,
And,
The unintended consequence,
Of this damned credit crunch,
The collateral damage it's caused,
Billions cannot be borrowed for war anymore,
So we need a telethon for war."

"Secretary,
Phone the gurning celebrities,
Throw fallen empire medals in front of them,
I'm sure they'll be delighted to cheer lead,
The telethon effort for war."

Jelly Conundrum

When I drop jelly,
On the floor,
Why does it land upside-down,
Like a toaster?
And when a woman says,
We need to talk,
Why do I always run for cover?

Is it?

Is it just me?
Am I the only one?
Who hates it when people ask:
Is it just me?
Am I the only one?

A Fortune Teller

A fortune teller,
After swirling,
And swirling,
And swirling my tea leaves round and round,
For nearly forty-four seconds,
Enquired,
Without looking up,
If I own a dishwasher,
I said no I didn't.

And,
She shook her head,
So slowly,
With a theatrical thoughtfulness,
Like she was a female beardless Brian Blessed,
Pronounced,
Bless-ed.

Have you ever owned a dishwasher?
No, never.

She stared into space,
For what seemed a bite-sized eternity.
A barely discernible thin film of sweat.
Then finally,
She stabbed,
Do you know anyone who owns a dishwasher?

I'm sure I do,
I'm sure i do.

Good.
She said.
Good.
Because, you know,
If you had said no,
I would have had no choice,
But to return your consultation fee.

Now,
That impressed me.

Polkadot Iridescent Ectoplasm

Polkadot,
Iridescent,
Ectoplasm.

And,
Candy floss,
Snowflake,
Tulip.
Four vikings,
Bloom,
Eiderdown,
Breasts,
Telegram,
Magic mountain fairy.

And finally,
Betray,
Kalashnikov,
Tahiti,
Moon,
Yonder.

They sound like words that belong
in a high quality poem,
But unfortunately,
For them at least,
Not this one.

Isn't that sad?
Terribly, terribly?

The Secret of Great Poetry

The secret,
Of great poetry,
Is all about,
Economy with words,
Especially in the current economic climate.

I wandered,
Daffodils.

Pornography for Poetry

I buy pornography magazines,
To hide my poetry inside,
But,
If I have a chance,
To have a girl stay over,
I throw all my poems away.
Just in case.

Car Insurers Keep the Faith

Iggy Pop,
Advertises car insurance,
That does not cover other musicians.
Why is this selling out?
Car insurers always cover themselves.

Do You Need a Bag?

Do you need a bag?
Yes please.
You always ask me that question.
And you always answer it the same way.
Oh, I think I understand,
You'd like me to answer in a different way.
Yes, you've picked up the hint.
Got you. Okay, ask me again.
Do you need a bag?
Please, yes.
That's better!

Hey, Suki, Can you put me in one of your so-called poems?
No, definitely not.

I Knew It!

".., So where were you last night?"
She's brushing her hair,
Glazing at my rabbit-in-speed light reflection,
From her dressing room table mirror.

"..I was..uh."
" "Uh"? No! You! Weren't!
Where were you
Really?"
No point in lying,
"I was in a bar near London Bridge..uh.."
This isn't going well..

"And? You weren't with another woman were you?"
No point in lying,
"No,..I.."
She's laughing now,

"You just can't stop yourself can you?

No self control,

When you get the urge you just have to do it,

Don't you?

And I just have to wait for you to finish.

I can have any man I want,

You know that,

And yet I put up with you my darling.

So what happened?

Was it good

How long did it take,

Was it good?"

"Yes, it was good,
It took me twenty minutes,
The first time!
But then I got an unstoppable urge to..
Redo it again and again,
Like a had no choice."

" No choice?
Oh you poor thing,
Held at gun point weren't you?
So what did you get the urge to versify about this time?
Garden gnomes, mad cows, your strange taste in food?"
"All three,
I'm sorry.."
"I knew it.."

"I KNEW IT!"

The Bobble Hat Incident

I'm quite organised,
Usually,
And when I get ready for work,
I collect my keys, my travel card, my work pass and my wallet,
Lying neatly arranged on the mock-Formica,
Ready for me to pick up in the morning.
I also collect my lunch and penis from the fridge,
I place my lunch in my bag,
And my penis in my trouser area (top half).



I remember one time,
Seems like not so long ago,
I accidentally left my penis inside my favourite winter woolly hat,
It needed emergency airing,
After it got drenched by a typically vicious horizontal hail storm,
As did my winter woolly hat.
Anyway,
The next day when I went out with my winter woolly hat on,
I forgot my penis was still nestling snugly inside,
Snoozing, fast asleep,
And,
Well,
Let's just say that something happened,
I'm not going to tell you what happened,
Because it was most embarrassing,
My penis could not stop blushing for four-and-a-half days afterwards,
Which is fair enough if you think about it,
And after that,
I never saw that lollipop lady again.


I do hope she is okay.
Needless to say,
It was never meant to happen.


And to this day my penis refuses,
Refuses,
To talk about,
What we have come to refer to as,
"The bobble hat incident."

That worries me.

Oh, this weather.

The bobble hat is currently at the dry cleaners.

Okay..thanks

A couple of years ago she cheated on me,
And now she regards me as her most trusted friend.

Ouch,
And,
Ouch again.

This Poem Doesn't Really Work For Me

This poem doesn't really work for me.

And the opening line is so promising..

I Eat Tomato Puree on Toast, I Use it Instead of Jam

I eat tomato puree on toast,
I use it instead of jam.

And, incidentally,
What a wonderful tube of toothpaste this is,
The tube I'm clutching in my hand,
Almost like it's a bunch of flowers.
And ironically this does taste of jam,
Toothpaste flavoured jam.
Now isn't that interesting?

As I was saying,
I eat tomato puree on toast,
I use it instead of jam.

For Britain is in the Grip of Slightly Bad Weather (yet again)

For Britain is in the grip of slightly bad weather,
Yet again!
Oh my God.
Could get slightly worse,
Could get slightly better,
Yet again!
Nearly aquatic conditions may prevail,
A mermaid's dew cover pavements like a dangerous chiffon veil,
Polar bears may bring a stand-still to the rail,
Your eBay garden gnomes delayed for a few minutes in the mail.
For Britain is in the grip of slightly bad weather,
Yet again!

Penguin lampshade,
Subutteo marmalade,
Vegan mayonnaise.
Yet again!

Ode to My Vegetable Samosa

Oh,
And Oh again..

Oh, you're so inviting,
With your light brown slightly crispy corners,
You're such a cheeky triangle,
Minty, and coriandery,
You entice my saucy condiments,
Your translucent bronze sari skin wraps and teases,
Cumin sin fragrance releases.
And as I dip your points in my cucumber raita,
Your lingual volcano kisses my melting snow.

Roasting, spicy,
That will do nicely,
Veg delightful,
A mouthful of you,
An eyeful,
Transcendental Eiffel Trifle.
Ooh you are a cheeky triangle.

Is This Deep Fried Chocolate Pizza Organic?

Is this deep-fried chocolate pizza organic?
I sincerely hope so.
And is the chip fat it's fried in organic?
I sincerely hope so.

Is this sheath prophylactic biodegradable?
My eroticism, thus, rain forest sustainable?
Has this boiled alive lobster been boiled alive cruelty-free?
And has that animal over there been beheaded tenderly?
I sincerely hope so.